Archive for July, 2006

The Debut of the Toledo Luggage Something-or-other, or Oh My God, I Peed at the Dolphin Lounge

July 31, 2006

This weekend, my Friday night activities were such that I planned to generally take it easy on Saturday evening. After all, a girl’s liver can only take so many martinis within 24 hours. So Saturday found me happily having a late dinner with friends and sitting a spell on the patio of local bar. I was pushing the martini limit when a friend, who we will call Johnny, called.

Johnny generally has “band practice” on Saturday evenings. There has been speculation amongst the female members of My Group of Friends about what “band practice” really entails. There is obviously a lot of drinking and some serious male bonding, but the amount of actual guitar interaction was in question. It appears that guitars might actually be picked up in between beers, however. On Saturday, Johnny informed us he and his fellow “band mates” would be performing an impromptu set at a bar called The Dolphin Lounge. Needless to say, this was the type of occasion that one does not miss, even if it is at a bar that is across town, only accepts cash, and has aquatic themed decoration. My friends and I downed our drinks (martinis are not meant to be chugged), went to the ATM, and high tailed it to the debut of The Toledo Luggage Problem (yes, the band even has a name–and I hope that’s it…It might be The Toledo Luggage Incident… I had too many beers to remember).

What can I say to properly convey the ambiance that is The Dolphin Lounge? In this case, I don’t think words can really do justice to the establishment, but I’ll try. The Dolphin Lounge is owned by a woman named Nancy. It seems Nancy is of my grandmother’s generation and has run The Dolphin since before my birth. Further, Nancy has not updated The Dolphin since she acquired the place, except to add a few more neon swimming dolphin globe things to the decor. All the seats in the bar are now covered in black electric tape and/or black duct tape. The stalls in the ladies face a wall of mirrors. And the stall doors are actually shutters strategically placed to sort of cover private functions. I can truthfully say that peeing at the Dolphin is unlike anything I’ve ever done before.

Nancy has decorated the patio with AstroTurf and fake trees that are a strange combonation of half palm and half deciduous, several chairs, and a kiddie sandbox. She also keeps Duplo blocks and toys off the side of the bar. Apparently, The Dolphin doubles as a daycare. All beers are $3, and the selection is varied enough to contain both Bud Light and Miller High Life! I forgot to ask if they had Nattie…In keeping with the extensive dolphin decor, Nancy’s tip jar is actually a trash can that has a cover on it which is shaped like a dolphin’s face. To tip her, I had to push back on the snout and deposit the tip on the dolphin’s mouth. The stage area (and I use the term loosely) sports a fire pit with a sign that says “fins up,” a set of bongo drums and a carpet covered stage. Oh, and dolphins pictures behind it.

When I arrived at The Dolphin Lounge, my three friends and I outnumbered the other patrons two to one. With our arrival, the place got packed… Anyway, The Toledo Luggage Something-or-other was in the middle of their first set. Toledo Luggage is a cover band consisting of a drummer and three guys who play things that looks like guitars. I’ve been informed that they are all actually different instruments, but I don’t know jack about musical instruments and in my mind, if it has strings and is electricish, it falls into the guitar family. Anything more specific is too complicated to understand when one is drinking enough Bud Lite to kill any and all germs that might be conveyed from the surroundings. But I digress. Two of the guitar playing guys also sing, with the drummer pitching in occasionally for sound effects and deep voice things. Johnny is one of the guitar guys, and the best one. Granted, he’s the only member of TL that I know, so I am biased, but he was also the only person to use the shiny metal thing that I later learned is called a slide. That counts for something, right?

The Toledo Luggage Problem/Incident/Happening played everything from The Cure’s Just Like Heaven (which they played twice–limited set list) to Modest Mouse’s Float On. There were covers of Pink Floyd, that Stacy’s Mom song, and an attempt at Sultans of Swing but nobody could remember the words. The best part of the evening was learning that the drummer had broken a finger earlier in the evening, but being a true musician and subscribing to the “show must go on” mantra, he just duct taped it to another finger and played away. Now that man deserves some Miller High Life!

I got to sit through two and a half sets, pee four times in the mirrored bathroom, and after the show, get my boobs signed by the band (Mom–I’m kidding about that last part). It appears that The Toledo Luggage (insert third word here) is in talks with Nancy to make an appearance at The Dolphin Lounge in the near future. If they do, I plan to bring hand sanitizer and an extra bra to throw at the stage.


The Toledo Luggage Some-or-other
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.


Johnny plays a guitar
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.


Different reactions to the night’s festivities
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

All photos thanks to Kelly, who I nominate to be The Toledo Luggage Group’s publicist.

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Three cheers for…

July 19, 2006

Windex multi-purpose cleaning wipes. Today they cleaned the dust off my furniture, took off the general mush on my glass coffee table, dealt with regurgitation of what was once curtains in a kitty cat tummy, and wiped out the inside of the fridge.

I bet a mother thought those suckers up! Or maybe somebody who is as neurotic about cleaning as I am…

A No Good, Terrible, Very Bad Day

July 19, 2006

A chronological list of rotten things which occurred today:

1. Yesterday, AEP put a notice on my front door stating the power surge problem in my neighborhood had been corrected. Liars. Anyway, my electricity wasn’t supposed to randomly go out anymore. I misguidedly put my faith in the corporate behemoth that is my electricity provider and didn’t set my backup cell phone alarm last night. Needless to say, there was a power surge, my alarm failed to go off for the 194,228,515th time and I overslept.

2. I debated skipping the shower in order to make it to work on time, but decided to have mercy on my co-workers. In the midst of achieving a state of socially acceptable hygiene, I realized I needed to shave my legs if I was going to wear a skirt. Debated the skirt vs. pants issue; skirt won since I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning yesterday and all my suit pants are being held captive by the lone Korean-Japanese-Irish-Chinese American man in Columbus. Thus, I engaged in a power shave. Nicked myself four times.

3. While I was washing my hair, Number Two learned why Bionic Kitty does not go into the shower when I’m in there. I like the shower water one step above scalding. Number Two apparently does not. After she attempted to maim my vulnerable, naked body with the claws she honed to razors on my couch, she jumped onto the plastic shower curtain–and promptly tore it down with her weight. This is the second Household Kitty Casualty in two days. I was not at home to see what happened to my office curtains, but it was an effective and total shredding.

4. Got to work only to find that my admin was sick. The totally mindless, totally gargantuan data entry project that I had cunningly foisted off on her suddenly shifted back to me. And it was due at noon. Drat.

5. Snagged my hose and got a huge run. This is amazing since it happened sometime between 2:00 and 3:00–a time period in which I did not leave my desk. Perhaps the Hose Snag Elves paid me a visit?

6. Admin called in after her doctor appointment. She has strep and will be out for the next two days. This is not good as I also have a sore throat. Further, I am an ignorant corporate drone who does not know how to function without the assistance of an admin. How does one make copies? Where is the printer? What’s my schedule? Who will screen my calls? When will I be filled in on the latest office gossip?

7. Got a nasty e-mail from library re: overdue trashy romance novels and exercise DVD I checked out in a moment of delusion. Really, who is going to want to check out the exercise DVD? Let me rush that right back for the next person on the waiting list!

8. Went to the bathroom after the office had technically closed. I am an attorney type person and consequently I am also a workaholic. Who actually leaves the office at 5:30???? Apparently not anybody who has to pee. After 5:30 an access card is needed to get back into the office from the common bathroom area. Nobody told me that.

9. Got home at 8:49. It only took two hours to actually locate a sympathetic “office cleaning professional” and 17 minutes for them to decide that I really worked there and 11 minutes for them to finish emptying the trash can in the conference room before they could let me back into my office and eight minutes for them to scold me for not having an access card and 14 minutes for them to yell at me for not recycling my empty water bottle in the recycling bin located somewhere in the bowels of an entirely different floor of my building (oh, and did I mention, that’s an entirely differnt organization on that floor). It took me three minutes for me to hide the body.

10. In a state of exhaustion, despair, and general pissiness, I went to McDonald’s and ate a meal that does not exactly qualify as Weight Watchers friendly. I have to go stand on a scale tomorrow in front of the judgmental WW lady. I think I just ate enough points for a third world country. Joy and happiness.

11. And I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning again. Is work place nudity acceptable?

Somebody from…

July 16, 2006

Corona, NY visited my blog yesterday. As I am all about places that shares names with alcoholic beverages, I thought this was kind of neat.

My Training as a Jedi…

July 15, 2006

Is about to begin. I’m getting Yoda, now all I need is my light saber.

Bionic Kitty Makes Her Photographic Debut

July 15, 2006

Bionic Kitty


100_0429
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

100_0433
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

There was nothing but love that first day…

Bionic Lazy A$$


100_0439
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Watching the computer monitor is fun. One of these days I’ll catch that stupid moving thing.


100_0417
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Number Two and her Big Ball


100_0444
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

I want this…

July 15, 2006

…even though I don’t drink tea or coffee.

I Want a Brownie…NOW!!!

July 15, 2006

There comes a point in every girl’s life where she wants to be skinnier than she is. I don’t care if the girl is Renee “Feed Me An Oreo Before My Stomach Implodes Into Itself” Zwelleger, she has them. For me, those “desire to be skinnier” moments are pretty much any time I’m conscious. After having my friends tell me repeatedly that I have the self-esteem of a slug, I joined Weight Watchers. It’s an attempt to feel better about myself both by doing something about what I don’t like and by generally picking out the people in the room who are fatter than I am (yep, I’m going to hell).

Not only am now I on a diet–I mean lifestyle change–but I am also standing on a scale once a week, in public no less, with clothes on (no self-respecting woman weighs herself with clothes on because she might weight more), in the afternoon (hello, that adds weight, too) and having somebody besides a health professional record the number. And I pay for this. With actual cash. It seems that not only do I have low self-esteem, but I am also certifiably insane.

So on Weight Watchers, there is an allotted number of points a person gets each day. Food is all assigned a point value based on several factors like calories and fat and yummyness factor. Obviously, the higher all those numbers are, the more points the food is worth and the more I generally like to eat it. A person can pick and choose what to eat as long as they don’t exceed their points for the day. Hypothetically, if I ate a Snickers for breakfast, I could not eat anything else besides lettuce and water and broccoli florets (all zero points) for the remainder of the day. OK, it’s not really that bad, but it is still darn sucky. Trying to decide what to eat each day is akin calculating to complex algorithmic geomathmatical physics equations. Breakfast needs to be low in points but still food to trick my stomach into thinking it’s filled until lunch, and there’s a bonus for not tasting like cardboard. Lunch is always a salad. Always. It’s just easier because lettuce is no points so I can actually use a teaspoon of dressing (which is worth six bajillion) and maybe engage my taste buds. Plus, lettuce cleans me out and that’s a bonus on weigh-in days. (Is that an overshare?) Anyway, I try to eat a sensible dinner as well. Preferably, involving something that is not totally green in color.

Generally, I stay within my points, but it’s a struggle. Planning in advance with my job is difficult. Eating healthy when McDonald’s is on every corner is basically fate taunting me. Plus, I like stuff that’s not exactly on the Weight Watchers meal plan. Notice, my daily meals didn’t include anything with the words “Godiva” or “Hershey” or “Nestle” attached to it. There was no “cake” or “cookie” or “brownie” or “ice cream” or anything that would satisfy my excessive, strong, very-much-present sweet tooth. All the good stuff is generally off limits. Now, I’m a very flawed human being, and let’s face it, I cheat. And when I do, I lick the wrapper to make sure I get every single one of those calories and each little particle onto my taste buds. Heck, if I’m going to cheat, I better do it right. And I live for those moments. I dream about JuJu Bees these days, and I don’t even like them. I just can’t have them, so suddenly, I would sacrifice more to eat them than I would for a new pair of Kate Spade sandals. Sacrilege.

I also obsess about everybody else’s food and stare longingly at my boss’ lunch time brownie with chocolate frosting. And her peppermint patties. And her candy bowl. And…But undoubtedly, the worst part about being on The Program is a Chipotle Burrito is a day and a half of my point allowance. What’s a girl to do???????????

All right all ready…or peer pressure gets the best of me

July 15, 2006

At first a friend mentioned I wasn’t blogging and it was impinging on his ability to effectively procrastinate at work. Then another friend complained. When a third friend mentioned my lack of blogging, I realized I was in jeopardy of losing half my readership if I didn’t act quickly. But still, I’m busy. I’ve got Tivo now. I’ve got a heck of a lot of Real World/Road Rules Challenge to watch. So, nothing really happened. But today, my mother mentioned my lack of blogging. I all ready have enough mother-related guilt in my life since I currently am not married and/or breeding; I don’t need to give her another thing to complain about. I guess I better get off my (rather large) tooshy and write something.