A No Good, Terrible, Very Bad Day

A chronological list of rotten things which occurred today:

1. Yesterday, AEP put a notice on my front door stating the power surge problem in my neighborhood had been corrected. Liars. Anyway, my electricity wasn’t supposed to randomly go out anymore. I misguidedly put my faith in the corporate behemoth that is my electricity provider and didn’t set my backup cell phone alarm last night. Needless to say, there was a power surge, my alarm failed to go off for the 194,228,515th time and I overslept.

2. I debated skipping the shower in order to make it to work on time, but decided to have mercy on my co-workers. In the midst of achieving a state of socially acceptable hygiene, I realized I needed to shave my legs if I was going to wear a skirt. Debated the skirt vs. pants issue; skirt won since I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning yesterday and all my suit pants are being held captive by the lone Korean-Japanese-Irish-Chinese American man in Columbus. Thus, I engaged in a power shave. Nicked myself four times.

3. While I was washing my hair, Number Two learned why Bionic Kitty does not go into the shower when I’m in there. I like the shower water one step above scalding. Number Two apparently does not. After she attempted to maim my vulnerable, naked body with the claws she honed to razors on my couch, she jumped onto the plastic shower curtain–and promptly tore it down with her weight. This is the second Household Kitty Casualty in two days. I was not at home to see what happened to my office curtains, but it was an effective and total shredding.

4. Got to work only to find that my admin was sick. The totally mindless, totally gargantuan data entry project that I had cunningly foisted off on her suddenly shifted back to me. And it was due at noon. Drat.

5. Snagged my hose and got a huge run. This is amazing since it happened sometime between 2:00 and 3:00–a time period in which I did not leave my desk. Perhaps the Hose Snag Elves paid me a visit?

6. Admin called in after her doctor appointment. She has strep and will be out for the next two days. This is not good as I also have a sore throat. Further, I am an ignorant corporate drone who does not know how to function without the assistance of an admin. How does one make copies? Where is the printer? What’s my schedule? Who will screen my calls? When will I be filled in on the latest office gossip?

7. Got a nasty e-mail from library re: overdue trashy romance novels and exercise DVD I checked out in a moment of delusion. Really, who is going to want to check out the exercise DVD? Let me rush that right back for the next person on the waiting list!

8. Went to the bathroom after the office had technically closed. I am an attorney type person and consequently I am also a workaholic. Who actually leaves the office at 5:30???? Apparently not anybody who has to pee. After 5:30 an access card is needed to get back into the office from the common bathroom area. Nobody told me that.

9. Got home at 8:49. It only took two hours to actually locate a sympathetic “office cleaning professional” and 17 minutes for them to decide that I really worked there and 11 minutes for them to finish emptying the trash can in the conference room before they could let me back into my office and eight minutes for them to scold me for not having an access card and 14 minutes for them to yell at me for not recycling my empty water bottle in the recycling bin located somewhere in the bowels of an entirely different floor of my building (oh, and did I mention, that’s an entirely differnt organization on that floor). It took me three minutes for me to hide the body.

10. In a state of exhaustion, despair, and general pissiness, I went to McDonald’s and ate a meal that does not exactly qualify as Weight Watchers friendly. I have to go stand on a scale tomorrow in front of the judgmental WW lady. I think I just ate enough points for a third world country. Joy and happiness.

11. And I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning again. Is work place nudity acceptable?

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