I Want a Brownie…NOW!!!

There comes a point in every girl’s life where she wants to be skinnier than she is. I don’t care if the girl is Renee “Feed Me An Oreo Before My Stomach Implodes Into Itself” Zwelleger, she has them. For me, those “desire to be skinnier” moments are pretty much any time I’m conscious. After having my friends tell me repeatedly that I have the self-esteem of a slug, I joined Weight Watchers. It’s an attempt to feel better about myself both by doing something about what I don’t like and by generally picking out the people in the room who are fatter than I am (yep, I’m going to hell).

Not only am now I on a diet–I mean lifestyle change–but I am also standing on a scale once a week, in public no less, with clothes on (no self-respecting woman weighs herself with clothes on because she might weight more), in the afternoon (hello, that adds weight, too) and having somebody besides a health professional record the number. And I pay for this. With actual cash. It seems that not only do I have low self-esteem, but I am also certifiably insane.

So on Weight Watchers, there is an allotted number of points a person gets each day. Food is all assigned a point value based on several factors like calories and fat and yummyness factor. Obviously, the higher all those numbers are, the more points the food is worth and the more I generally like to eat it. A person can pick and choose what to eat as long as they don’t exceed their points for the day. Hypothetically, if I ate a Snickers for breakfast, I could not eat anything else besides lettuce and water and broccoli florets (all zero points) for the remainder of the day. OK, it’s not really that bad, but it is still darn sucky. Trying to decide what to eat each day is akin calculating to complex algorithmic geomathmatical physics equations. Breakfast needs to be low in points but still food to trick my stomach into thinking it’s filled until lunch, and there’s a bonus for not tasting like cardboard. Lunch is always a salad. Always. It’s just easier because lettuce is no points so I can actually use a teaspoon of dressing (which is worth six bajillion) and maybe engage my taste buds. Plus, lettuce cleans me out and that’s a bonus on weigh-in days. (Is that an overshare?) Anyway, I try to eat a sensible dinner as well. Preferably, involving something that is not totally green in color.

Generally, I stay within my points, but it’s a struggle. Planning in advance with my job is difficult. Eating healthy when McDonald’s is on every corner is basically fate taunting me. Plus, I like stuff that’s not exactly on the Weight Watchers meal plan. Notice, my daily meals didn’t include anything with the words “Godiva” or “Hershey” or “Nestle” attached to it. There was no “cake” or “cookie” or “brownie” or “ice cream” or anything that would satisfy my excessive, strong, very-much-present sweet tooth. All the good stuff is generally off limits. Now, I’m a very flawed human being, and let’s face it, I cheat. And when I do, I lick the wrapper to make sure I get every single one of those calories and each little particle onto my taste buds. Heck, if I’m going to cheat, I better do it right. And I live for those moments. I dream about JuJu Bees these days, and I don’t even like them. I just can’t have them, so suddenly, I would sacrifice more to eat them than I would for a new pair of Kate Spade sandals. Sacrilege.

I also obsess about everybody else’s food and stare longingly at my boss’ lunch time brownie with chocolate frosting. And her peppermint patties. And her candy bowl. And…But undoubtedly, the worst part about being on The Program is a Chipotle Burrito is a day and a half of my point allowance. What’s a girl to do???????????

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One Response to “I Want a Brownie…NOW!!!”

  1. Leon Says:

    ME TO!!!!!

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