Archive for November, 2006

Dawson’s Crack, or this is worse than the trashy romance fixation

November 29, 2006

Yes, I am aware that I’ve been AWOL, my dear loyal reader who insists on emailing me everyday to find out why I’ve not posted. In fact, I’ve actually been busy. Very busy. Watching seasons one through four of Dawson’s Creek.

Please stop laughing at me now.

I’ve randomly become fixated on this TV series. It began the other day when I happened to be watching this UFC fight night thing at a friend’s house. She had seasons one through three of The Creek and I figured, well, I’ve got a long weekend coming up, might as well have something to watch. So, not realizing that the DVDs were laced with crack cocaine, I borrowed season one… In hindsight, it is clear that I failed to head Fate’s warning — the fact that she had the UFC fight thing on her TV (and actually got it with pay-per-view) was obviously a huge, blinking neon warning sign that I missed.

The first season was cute. Three small town friends from childhood are off to the scary world of high school, where they experience typical TV teen dilemmas. The main character’s parents are the ’90s version of June and Ward Cleaver and Dawson (the main character, because, duh, it’s his creek) always has a profound “Look at me, I’m so wise in my youthful naivety” moment. Oh, and there’s the love triangle. And the just-moved-to-town rebel girl thrown in for good measure. Good mindless stuff… With subliminal messages that compel innocent people to WATCH MORE NOW!!!

Not one to resist, I borrowed seasons two and three. The play by play:

Season Two:
Episode One — New theme music. It’s more angsty than the previous selection and thus better captures the mood.
Episode Two — Dawson loves Joey (who is a girl). Pacey (who is a boy) loves Joey. Havoc.
Episode Three — Dawson loves Joey. Pacey loves Joey. Joey doesn’t know what she wants. The agony.
Episode Four — Dawson loves Joey. Pacey loves Joey. Jen (the bad girl from NYC) does bad things and lets her grandmother down. Oh no.
Episode Five –Dawson loves Joey. Pacey loves Joey. Who will Joey choose?
Episode Six — Dawson loves Joey. Pacey loves Joey. Joey’s awful convict father gets out of jail and Dawson helps Joey deal with the ensuing emotional upheaval. That Dawson’s a pal.
Episode Seven — Dawson loves Joey. Pacey loves Joey. Uh oh. Convict father burns down the family business and goes back to jail. Pacey lends his shoulder to cry on. He has a sensitive side. *Sigh*
Episode Eight — Dawson loves Joey. Pacey loves Joey. A random back plot character is gay. The gang is loving and accepting.
Episode Nine — Dawson loves Joey. Pacey loves Joey. The plot thickens.

Anyway, it goes on for about 15 more episodes. And that’s just season two. In season three, there are 23 episodes chronicalling how Pacey finally gets Joey to like him back and what impact this true love has on good guy Dawson. Season four is just more of the same but with the big Sex Question thrown in. And I love it all. It’s like a trashy romance novel but I don’t have to turn the pages plus there’s a soundtrack of late ’90s sap music at moments of high drama. Good times!

Number Two is also a huge fan of The Creek. Every time Katie Holmes (who plays the whiny cornerstone of the love triangle, Joey) comes on screen, I throw a cat toy at the TV. Apparently, Number Two is half dog and thinks we are playing a marathon game of fetch. I throw the cat toys because I basically totally loath Katie Holmes (aka Kate “I married an insane gay man” Cruise). She ranks just below Rachel Ray and above the cheerleaders from high school on the List of People Whose Existence God Will Eventually Have to Explain to Me. I really can’t stand her and think she’s a hoity-toity, whiny, crazy woman. Besides the marry Tom Cruise thing, I think my mix of bafflement and hatred stems from an incident in college involving Ms. Holmes, myself, and a dorm shower. (Ew. Stop thinking that.) Anyway, my sophomore year, she was visiting a friend who lived in my dorm. During this particular incident, anybody showering (namely me) when she decided it was appropriate to likewise engage in personal hygiene apparently needed to leave the bathroom. Keep in mind that my dorm had showers with private shower stalls. But this was not enough for Ms. Modesty. Nope, Katie needed complete and absolute privacy so elusive in college. Ms. Holmes wanted a totally empty, private bathroom, which as all smart people know is not going to happen in a college dorm. But Katie doesn’t give up. In an effort to get more privacy than a shower stall can provide, so she brazenly walked into my stall and tried to make me get out. While I was showering. With shampoo in my hair. And did I mention I was naked? The discussion about my shower usage was just about to turn ugly when Katie must have realized that I eat real food like cookies and bread and bon-bons and that consequently I was twice her size and I guess she was scared off. That was the first of several pleasant Katie Holmes Visits College Episodes from my sophomore year. Ever since, I can’t stand that girl and her particularly whiny character on The Creek just confirms my opinion of her. So, I throw stuffed rats at the TV when she’s on and it makes me feel better for myself, for the other poor innocents who needed to shower during sophomore year, for Pacey and Dawson and the entire fictional town of Capeside, MA.

I will probably be AWOL again… I’ve got two seasons to go until I find out who really is Joey’s soul mate and until I can reclaim my life.

O Tannenbaum

November 29, 2006

Everybody needs a Yeti for their tree. Think of it as a conversation piece.

Present solicitation number 982,745,897,249,387,928

November 29, 2006

I actually really would like this book for Christmas. Maybe it would make the blog more entertaining.

Who am I kidding? I’m beyond help.

My Ode to Ohio State Football

November 14, 2006

Yeah, I know, I didn’t go to The Ohio State University. But I’ve lived in C-bus for long enough to catch Buckeye Fever. It snuck up on me, infiltrating my soul until I learned to detest all things Azure Blue and Butt Ugly Yellow (which is passed off as Maize). Buckeye Love has even gotten me to refer to The State Up North as, well, The State Up North or The Place We Should Let the Canadians Have For Free. And that was while I lived there and had to be polite about it. Anyway, I’m an Ohio State fan and in case I’ve not made my feelings clear all ready, I pretty much think The Big House could be blown up by terrorists and it would take me a very long minute or two to realize that it might be a bad thing. And only then because we couldn’t go stomp on Michigan on their own turf… Well, maybe I’m not that extreme, but it’s close.

In case you live in a hole under a rock on the farthest reaches of Mars and were unaware, this weekend is the OSU vs. Michigan game. It’s a No. 1 vs. No. 2 match up. It’s the greatest rivalry in college football and this will determine who goes to the really big football game that is often tied into corn chips (but might not be this year, I can’t remember). On the side of Good, there is Coach Tressel (aka God in a Sweater Vest) and on the opposing side is Coach Carr (aka That Sad Sad Man). While I am sure Coach Carr is a swell gentleman who was simply led astray at a young age, I have placed my faith in the power of the sporty sweater vest. I know Carr is going to get The Laurinatis (aka some sort of funky mouth growth that seems to infect all coaches that oppose OSU this season) at some point this week and really, I just feel bad for him. It looks like it hurts.

At the place where I do lawyerly things, a misguided Michigan fan suggested that if OSU lost, perhaps all the OSU supporters at my place of work should do something appropriately humiliating. And perhaps the appropriate humiliate should consist of all of us running en masse around the outside of our complex while in the buff. Generally, I am all for nekkid time but I don’t really want to include indecent exposure on the felony/misdemeanor section of my next job application. Still, I like the idea of laying something on the line here. Thus, loyal readership (this means you, Phil, and you, Mom, and Laina and maybe the other person who reads this blog), I am open to suggestions (please put them in comments). After all, I’m not worried because WE ARE GONNA SPANK MICHIGAN.

Go Bucks!

The noise they will use in Hell to torture me

November 14, 2006

It’s the sound of Number Two attempting to climb a window pane and falling down three feet of glass, but not giving up despite the fact that gravity has had it’s way with her. It’s an extra special sound because Number Two has six claws on each paw (yep, even the back ones) so that means four extra nails screeching away at the glass at a decibel that should only be audible to dogs, but is strangely still heard by me. Maybe it’s because I can hear my security deposit shrinking by the minute…

Bionic Piggy

November 14, 2006

About twice a year, my parents go to the Air Force Base in Dayton and stock up on things like shampoo and box wine and steak. Stuff is sold much cheaper there and the military doesn’t think sales tax is cool, so a $1000 worth of stuffed crammed into the mini-van actually equates to a lot more than a $1000 at Kroger’s. Being the kind and generous woman that she is, my mother asked me if I wanted anything and of course I gave her a list a mile long. It centered primarily on cat items: cat food, litter, litter liners, litter deodorizer, more litter (because my cats don’t have any form of constipation whatsoever)…

I brought over all my cat-related loot this afternoon and in the time it took me to walk from my back door to the car trunk and carry in two 28 pound tubs of Fresh Step, Bionic Kitty managed to rip open two 7 pound bags of cat food and successfully scatter the contents across the kitchen, bathroom, living room AND basement. I was gone for maybe, Maybe, MAYBE three minutes. And it wasn’t like she was starving either. The food dishes (yes, plural, because Bionic Princess can’t have just one dish she shares with Number Two) were completely filled.

If cleaning up that mess wasn’t enough of a pain, about ten minutes later, the Bionic Eating Machine’s stomach rebelled against the ingestion of Iams bags.

There are days when she’s really lucky her Bionic Bottom isn’t kicked to the moon.

Technical Difficulties

November 12, 2006

In an effort to move onward and create blogging greatness, the fine folks at Blogger have launched a new Beta version of Blogger that’s somehow linked to Google. It sounds complex and confusing and involves HTML which in my mind is a combination of Swahili and Chinese with a few signs thrown in. I don’t get it. To me, all this means is that Google is one step closer to taking over the world and I have to figure out this stuff. That makes my head hurt.

Please, my loyal readership of five people, be patient if I break my blog…

To My Secret Santa

November 12, 2006

I know you might be tempted to buy me a union suit. After all, the union suit is a flattering sleeping garment that’s ideal for midnight bathroom runs. But really, hold yourself back.

Girl Fest 2006!! or, man, that’s a hangover

November 12, 2006
I love my friend Kelly M. for many reasons… She’s always up for Chipotle, she’s the valedictorian of our lawyerly-things class so she knows big words, and she is the only person in the entire universe who can wear shoes with little, pink flying pigs on them in combination with socks that are black and green stripped with skulls on them and stilll manage to make it look like it was designed to go together. Oh, and Kelly’s witty and honest and willing to make fun of Britney Spears at any time. All this has earned Kelly a coveted spot on Katherine’s List of Good People to Hang Out With. Kelly also gets Good People bonus points because she named her cats Eggroll and Kung Pao Kitty. But, the real reason I adore Kelly is her willingness to participant in drunken frivolities of most any sort* and so we engage in said frivolities on a large scale about once a year.

In keeping with tradition, yesterday evening Kelly and I had Girl Fest 2006. This basically means we drank excessively, talked about boys and ate Chubby Hubby straight from the container. And all this was in the comfort of my not-so-comfortable living room. It was a real “Kelly and Katherine”** kind of night…

Planning for the eveing started early in the day when I talked to Kelly about what types of alcohol I purchased for Girl Fest. And it continued as I called her periodically throughout the day to tell her what things I forgot and she needed to pick up. Ice, lemonade, something chocolate, what goes with vodka? That type of thing…So Kelly showed up last night with two shopping bags of stuff, plus ice. On my end, I had the glasses and blender and the couch to pass out on. With that, Girl Fest 2006 officially opened…

We started the festivities with a bottle of wine. Kelly had demonstrated her mental astuteness with this purchase — it was cheaper than the screw-topped wine but had an actual cork and it was good. While we worked on finishing the bottle we Bionic Kitty the cork to play with. (Note to self: no more corks for Bionic… In attempt to indulge her cat alcoholism, she tried to eat the cork to absorb any residual alcohol. Last night, this was not an issue. It only really mattered this morning when vacuuming up those little cork pieces with a hangover became a reality…)

As the evening progressed, we discovered there is a lot of wisdom in a room containing two women and a bottle of wine, and most of it is guy-related. For example, we cunningly deduced that if animals have a mating season where the males of the species are driven purely by the need to procreate, then there must be a human guy mating season (or man humping season as we called it) as well. Oh but wait, aren’t guys generally driven purely by the need to release their little swimmers? So, every day is man humping season. Ha! We are smart! More wine!

At this point, we discovered the bottle was empty and so it was time for that frosty- alcoholic-goodness known as the Margarita! While crushing ice for the tasty Mexican treat, we discovered the superior awesomeness of my blender. It crushed an entire container of ice in TEN SECONDS! No joke. Which was just fine with us, because we got to continue drinking sooner…
And after the margaritas, we really needed pizza. Really. Happily, Papa Johns is in my neighborhood and at this point, I still remembered how to dial a phone. Unhappily, PJs does not deliver after midnight. But we were not about to be overcome and allow our pizza plan to be foiled! PJs is only a hopped fence and a short block and a half walk away. So, off we went… I would like to point out that an “open” sign combined with store lights that are on and an unlocked door generally indicates an establishment is in fact, open. But apparently, the rules of openness don’t apply toPJs… Thus, we reassessed our options and altered the pizza plan to a general quest for food. About a block away from PJS there is a bar. And THEY SERVE FOOD!!! Off we went to see if they still were still serving edible delights. Nope. Columbus seems to shut down the food options at midnight. So, we debated how far it was to Taco Bell and could we really walk there while maintaining a buzz and avoiding charges of public intox. Ultimately, we decided not to walk the miles and miles to Taco Bell; not because of the alcohol thing, but because they might not let us walk-through the drive-through and that would make us sad. Besides, there was Chubby Hubby at home. And chips with cheese sauce. And M&Ms! Ohhhhhhhhh, M&Ms!!! Back through the fence we went…

Later in the evening, after some food and more drinking, the Kelly and Katherine wisdom continued. For instance, I learned that having a vagina is really the problem. What this refers to, I am not sure, but it was insightful at the time. And I also learned that in a blazer, I’m a sexy beast, and my boobs are in fact porn star big. I also learned that when people pick up their phone during a drunk dial, it’s not as fun as leaving a message. Also, Kelly’s not a great asset in the two-person drunk dial message when she’s eating Ben & Jerry’s. I guess a girl has to have priorities…

Kelly and the ingredients for a night of festivites

Are you ready to drink? Are you? YEAH!

Glug, glug, glug… (There needs to be sound effects on this thing…)

Margarita! Margarita! Ole!

This is what weve had to drink so far.

Teheheheehe! Happiness if Chubby Hubby, a drink, and Kelly saying outrageous things!

* Is there drinking? Yes? Then, will it get us disbarred? Nope? Then Kelly will do it!
** Nutso, crazy, and generally food and beverage-centered

My inner geek has her way with me

November 7, 2006

Yes, I like Star Wars. Yes, I like the Discovery Channel. Yes, I like Legos. Maybe even enough to buy this. Ooooh, or this. But especially this. Yeah, or even this.