Archive for the ‘The Toledo Luggage Problem’ Category

TTLP Update: The Reunion Tour

July 1, 2007

The Toldeo Luggage Problem finally has another show! On August 6th! At 9 p.m.! NOT AT THE DOLPHIN LOUNGE! I can drink non-Nattie Light products and then pee and not have to look at myself do it! This is venue bliss!

I will be in attendance! Shaking my groove thing! I hope they play Stacy’s Mom because that song is Rawkin’!

I will have unmentionables to throw at the stage! Lots and lots and lots of Haines Her Ways!

I guess they found a drummer! Welcome new drummer!

I am so geeked all sentences must end with exclaimation points!

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My World Has Shattered or the TLP ends

March 2, 2007

There is a rift in the greatness which was the popular (with me and ten other people) local band known as The Toledo Luggage Problem. Just as they were on the verge of rawk stardom, it seems the group has parted ways. I’m pretty upset about this. Why else will I ever go the the snazzy Dolphin Lounge? Granted, I might go just so I can see my peeing self reflected in the mirrored wall after I down a couple of $5 Coors Lights I can only pay cash for. But still, it won’t be the same without the TLP playing in the background.

And without the TLP, I won’t be an Official Groupie anymore. Heck, I’m not even a member of anything besides the Britney Spears Is A Wreck and I Love It Club. I’ve always wanted to say, “I was there for the beginning…” and I could when the TLP were still together. I never anticipated saying, “…and the end.” That just sucks. Really, I would have been fine with being on E! True Hollywood Story and talking about throwing undies at the guitarist and making google eyes at Jim the Teddy Bear Hunk. Dream quashed.

I know the fans are heartbroken but as with all things in life, we will eventually move on. Still, a little piece of my musical soul will forever be devoted to The Toledo Luggage Problem. And I’ll never think of “Stacy’s Mom” the same way again.

The TLP Opens for an Opening Band!

December 6, 2006

Yes, that is officially Progress. To open for an opening band at an actual bar where there is not any dolphin related paraphernalia and actual bathroom stall doors is a Big Deal. And not only that, The Toledo Luggage Problem wasn’t the first band on stage! In fact, there was an opening opening opening band.

It was an interesting evening of musical mishmash. The first band performed ’80s hairband covers. The band make-up was a bit more entertaining than the actual music (although they were pretty good). The lead singer was a guy in a leopard skin cowboy hat, a gentleman in Van Halen jersey played a guitar, and then there was a guy who looked like a brunette Farrah Fawcett head had been implanted on his neck. Overall, it was strange enough to make me wonder:
1. How did they all meet?
2. Where does one acquire a Van Halen jersey?
3. Why would anybody want one?
4. What drug made Mr. Jersey willing to be seen with Mr. Cowboy Hat and vice versa?
And that was leaving all the obvious questions about Farrah Fawcett hairdos aside…
TTLP was up next. About ten minutes before TTLP went on, all the Abersnobie and Biznich employees came out to support one of their own. It was a little strange to be unexpectedly surrounded by Beautiful and Hip People. Especially when one is not particularly hip nor beautiful, let alone can actually drink without a fake ID. Still, they were appropriately supportive of the band. I think one even expressed her undying devotion to a certain guitarist. Oh wait, maybe that was one of John’s “alternative” fans. Anyway, TTLP also debuted two original songs. While they weren’t up to the rocking-goodness of Stacy’s Mom, it was one step away from Cover Band and one step towards Rock Star Infamy.

Then there was the opening band. I had a warning of what was to come when all the A&F kiddies cleared out. After all, they are aware of all that is hip and beautiful and this band was not. Unless, of course, one wears extensive black clothing with pointy studs, likes Pantera and believes hamsters are good for sacrificing. They played heavy metal at volumes that induced inner ear bleeding. After about two minutes, I decided to spare myself and went home. Thus, I did not see the headliner. But I know that they must have had some taste to have booked TTLP somewhere in the line up… Even if it was as an opener to an opener.

Special thanks goes to the wonderful Beth Varcho, who was smart enough to bring a camera not incorporated into a telephone and kind enough to mail the pictures to me.

The Toledo Luggage Problem Plays Again!

October 12, 2006

My favorite cover band recently gave their second performance. Once again, it was at the high-end musical venue, The Dolphin Lounge. Nancy, the owner of the afore mentioned bar, wanted to draw in the crowd so she wisely booked The Toledo Luggage Problem for one night last month. As expected, it was a sold-out crowd (or rather as sold-out as one could expect at the swanky Dolphin Lounge, which holds 50 people and 16 cases of beer, plus assorted Dolphin related velvet paintings). It seems the fame of The Toledo Luggage Problem is spreading! (Hey, they were mentioned in one line in The Other Paper… If that’s not fame, what is?)


TTLP The Band
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Once again, it was a stellar performance, led by the vocal prowess of Dave. In an effort to be the rocker that he is at heart, Dave really stepped it up for this show. He did that jumping thing that Gwen Steffani and all the punk singers do. You know, that one thing, where they jump up and down, with their back to the crowd, which for some reason makes everybody in the audience go bonkers. And this time was no different. It was as if Dave were saying, “I’m a Hot Cover Band Rocker so watch me turn my Hot Cover Band Back to you and jump.” And the 50 people were like “Yes, Dave, you are a Hot Cover Band Rocker who turned and jumped so we must cheer and scream at your Hot Cover Band Back.” But later, Dave really stepped it up to Rocker Greatness when he engaged in a bit of crowd interaction. It was truly a Moment when he left the stage and went to sing and play among the audience. For a brief moment, the audience and Dave became one.


TTLP Dave
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Jim the studly bassist also was at his best during the rockin’ performance. As always, Jim handled the Big Yellow Banana (that would be his base or bass or whatever the proper spelling is, not something dirty) with style and finesse. Jim is definetly an an old pro at handling this sort of thing. And not only was Jim musically suave, he also engaged in witty banter that kept the audience chuckling. While I can’t remember any of the laugh-out-loud-funny lines, I know they were great and worthy of repeating. If only I could recall what they were… Still, Jim was undoubtedly a crowd favorite. Watching a giant, bald, horny teddy bear-like man with a Big Yellow Banana… Strangely sexy and oddly priceless.


TTLP-Jim[1]
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

As always, John, on lead guitar, was a favorite with the ladies (and the same-sex leaning crowd). It must be the radio station t-shirt he persists in wearing to every TTLP performance. Or, maybe it’s the fine tooshy he sports. After all, some of the ladies in the front row requested he turn around so that they could check it out. And some other ladies (and a gentleman) did throw unmentionable undergarments at him during a rousing rendition of “Stacy’s Mom.” While Jim and his Big Yellow Banana is unquestionably the Sexy One in the line-up, John and his tooshy are a close second. Still, John is more than one fine piece of ass… He also showcased his musical talent with multiple excellent solos and some fancy foot-pedal action. And once again, he used that shiny silver thing that makes the guitar sound funky. It was nifty.


TTLP Lance Goodthrust
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Finally, Rob rounded out the rockin’ sound of the TTLP. It was a great night for all the bandies, but in particular Rob was on fire. Not only was he playing on his fancy new drum kit (which looked lovely and sparkling under the lights), Rob the drummer was constantly surrounded a lovely fog from the smoke machine. It added a feeling of authenticity and a true rock star quality to Rob and his performance. Rob not only looked the part thanks to his red drums and the smoke, he also laid down some solid beats. There were even a few moments of Tommy Lee-esque flare when he did some smashy symbol work. The crowd loved it and brought out their glowing cell phones to prove their fandom… Plus, Rob didn’t break his finger this time. All in all, a fine night indeed for Rob and the gentlemen of the Toledo Luggage Problem.


TTLP Rob
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Dave and John rock out…note the coolio “fins up” fireplace in the background…


TTLP Dave and John
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

The first step to making a life-size cut out of John…


TTLP John and his undies
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

John gives autographs (it was either this or his adoring fans would grab his tooshy)…


One step on the way to fame…the first autograph.
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Phil is touched by greatness (and sports some nifty fan gear)…


Sporting Official TTLP Gear
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

The fans who came all the way from The Natti… The few, the proud, the dedicated, the Foxes!


Chris and Cathy
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

A stroke-victim gears up to throw things…


A Target Thong
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Granny panties that will later find their way on stage…A shout out to Target for providing these for the grand price of 91 cents…


91 cent granny panties
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Other stuff that will be thrown shortly…


Chris models, Cathy goes nuts!
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Post-throw…


Post Throw
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

Striking a pose…


Kissy Kissy
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.


At TTLP Show
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

All good photos are by Kelly. All the bad ones are by Katherine.

The Debut of the Toledo Luggage Something-or-other, or Oh My God, I Peed at the Dolphin Lounge

July 31, 2006

This weekend, my Friday night activities were such that I planned to generally take it easy on Saturday evening. After all, a girl’s liver can only take so many martinis within 24 hours. So Saturday found me happily having a late dinner with friends and sitting a spell on the patio of local bar. I was pushing the martini limit when a friend, who we will call Johnny, called.

Johnny generally has “band practice” on Saturday evenings. There has been speculation amongst the female members of My Group of Friends about what “band practice” really entails. There is obviously a lot of drinking and some serious male bonding, but the amount of actual guitar interaction was in question. It appears that guitars might actually be picked up in between beers, however. On Saturday, Johnny informed us he and his fellow “band mates” would be performing an impromptu set at a bar called The Dolphin Lounge. Needless to say, this was the type of occasion that one does not miss, even if it is at a bar that is across town, only accepts cash, and has aquatic themed decoration. My friends and I downed our drinks (martinis are not meant to be chugged), went to the ATM, and high tailed it to the debut of The Toledo Luggage Problem (yes, the band even has a name–and I hope that’s it…It might be The Toledo Luggage Incident… I had too many beers to remember).

What can I say to properly convey the ambiance that is The Dolphin Lounge? In this case, I don’t think words can really do justice to the establishment, but I’ll try. The Dolphin Lounge is owned by a woman named Nancy. It seems Nancy is of my grandmother’s generation and has run The Dolphin since before my birth. Further, Nancy has not updated The Dolphin since she acquired the place, except to add a few more neon swimming dolphin globe things to the decor. All the seats in the bar are now covered in black electric tape and/or black duct tape. The stalls in the ladies face a wall of mirrors. And the stall doors are actually shutters strategically placed to sort of cover private functions. I can truthfully say that peeing at the Dolphin is unlike anything I’ve ever done before.

Nancy has decorated the patio with AstroTurf and fake trees that are a strange combonation of half palm and half deciduous, several chairs, and a kiddie sandbox. She also keeps Duplo blocks and toys off the side of the bar. Apparently, The Dolphin doubles as a daycare. All beers are $3, and the selection is varied enough to contain both Bud Light and Miller High Life! I forgot to ask if they had Nattie…In keeping with the extensive dolphin decor, Nancy’s tip jar is actually a trash can that has a cover on it which is shaped like a dolphin’s face. To tip her, I had to push back on the snout and deposit the tip on the dolphin’s mouth. The stage area (and I use the term loosely) sports a fire pit with a sign that says “fins up,” a set of bongo drums and a carpet covered stage. Oh, and dolphins pictures behind it.

When I arrived at The Dolphin Lounge, my three friends and I outnumbered the other patrons two to one. With our arrival, the place got packed… Anyway, The Toledo Luggage Something-or-other was in the middle of their first set. Toledo Luggage is a cover band consisting of a drummer and three guys who play things that looks like guitars. I’ve been informed that they are all actually different instruments, but I don’t know jack about musical instruments and in my mind, if it has strings and is electricish, it falls into the guitar family. Anything more specific is too complicated to understand when one is drinking enough Bud Lite to kill any and all germs that might be conveyed from the surroundings. But I digress. Two of the guitar playing guys also sing, with the drummer pitching in occasionally for sound effects and deep voice things. Johnny is one of the guitar guys, and the best one. Granted, he’s the only member of TL that I know, so I am biased, but he was also the only person to use the shiny metal thing that I later learned is called a slide. That counts for something, right?

The Toledo Luggage Problem/Incident/Happening played everything from The Cure’s Just Like Heaven (which they played twice–limited set list) to Modest Mouse’s Float On. There were covers of Pink Floyd, that Stacy’s Mom song, and an attempt at Sultans of Swing but nobody could remember the words. The best part of the evening was learning that the drummer had broken a finger earlier in the evening, but being a true musician and subscribing to the “show must go on” mantra, he just duct taped it to another finger and played away. Now that man deserves some Miller High Life!

I got to sit through two and a half sets, pee four times in the mirrored bathroom, and after the show, get my boobs signed by the band (Mom–I’m kidding about that last part). It appears that The Toledo Luggage (insert third word here) is in talks with Nancy to make an appearance at The Dolphin Lounge in the near future. If they do, I plan to bring hand sanitizer and an extra bra to throw at the stage.


The Toledo Luggage Some-or-other
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.


Johnny plays a guitar
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.


Different reactions to the night’s festivities
Originally uploaded by kjohnsonesq.

All photos thanks to Kelly, who I nominate to be The Toledo Luggage Group’s publicist.