Me: One Halloween, when I was about 12, I went as Bacchus. My mother was not happy. It was a sign, really.
Laina: I’ve come to the conclusion that I might be an asshole.
Me: You know when you get too many tickets and the judge makes you go back to traffic school? Well, I’m doing the same thing for you but with 9th Grade Health Class and condom usage.
Anonymous Friend: Damn abstinence-only education. Fails every time.
Stella: This is the best movie ever.
Me: It’s on HBO?
Stella: Even better…Lifetime!
Me: OMG. Change the channel. Please!
Stella: Whatevs! Sandra Oh and Elliot from Scrubs are in it! Keeps getting better!!
Stella: Taye Diggs!!!! This is an all star cast!!!
Me: OMG TIVO THAT BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I don’t understand. How are you in different places in life?
Second Anonymous Friend: DIFFERENT LIKE HE STILL SLEEPS IN A TWIN BED.
Me: Oh. I see.
Me: FYI, vacuuming a down comforter is not easy.
Stella: You are ridiculous.
Me: I can’t help it if the Damn Dog rolled on it while the duvet was off and COVERED it in icky puppy hair and now I can’t get the hair OFF.
Stella: Sick sick SICK.
Me: I want to KILL that dog. I go and vacuum for a few minutes, get irritated and must stop.
Stella: Perhaps the dog was sent from God to serve as the proverbial straw?
Me: Becoming more likely. Every time I go into the bedroom and fire up the vacuum, eCrush is all, “They have programs for people like you.” And I mumble something about humane ways to put down dogs. And boyfriends.
Jill: What the fuck were you thinking?
Me: That’s the question of my life.