Archive for January, 2007

The V-Day Gameplan, Part One

January 30, 2007

I went to the grocery store the other day and there was an entire section devoted to love and conversation heart candies. While I’m all about eating food which says, “You’re HOT!” (how did it know?), the impending doom that is the curse of being a single girl on Valentine’s Day is not something I’m too geeked about. Each year, it seems I am always single on the Big Day of Love. I have this knack for dating somebody right after V-Day or breaking up with them literally hours before. Consequently, I’ve never done the traditional Valentine’s Day exchange of presents, dinner, making out, etc. And frankly, I am beginning to resent this. Not because I really want a lame bouquet somebody picked up from Kroger’s at the last minute or because I am a fan of stuffed animals. (Note to all men: do NOT buy me a stuffed animal. Ever. I will laugh at you and if it is holding a heart, and especially one with a saying on the heart, I will break up with you) It’s more that when my friends and people at work ask me what I did this year to celebrate, I don’t want to say, “I ate mac and cheese and a whole tub of Chubby Hubby and prayed that if I died alone, my cats wouldn’t eat my face before somebody found me.” That is really the Curse of the Single Girl: to keel over randomly with nobody around then have her nose munched on by her feline, her only companion in life.

In order not to fall victim to the continuous hunger that is Bionic Kitty and to have something to do on the Big Day, I have a plan this year. First, I am going to have flowers delivered to myself at work. It seems that at the place where I do Lawyerly Things, women in relationships of more than a year get flowers from their significant others for their birthdays, anniversaries, and V-Day. Well, I don’t have a husband or a boyfriend. I have a cats and darn it, they love me. So, they will send me flowers (with my credit card). Pathetic and loser-ish? Perhaps. Will it make me feel better? Yep. Will I have a bouquet that will be so big that it will border on obscene and tacky? Well, duh. If I have to do it myself, then I am gonna do it gaudy.

Second, I am making myself reservations at Cap City. While it is not the most expensive or most flashy of restaurants, it is what I consider the best in town. I am going to order my favorite dinner and a piece of chocolate cake that is big enough to rival the Great Wall of China. And I will eat it all because I will be wearing my sexy stretchy pants in order to better accommodate my expanded belly. Heck, I might even order dessert first…

Finally, I will go home unwrap the very expensive shoes I intend to buy for myself. I will prance around my house in my very expensive shoes with my hot stretchy pants and drink martinis and fart (because too much chocolate gives me gas). And I might even give Bionic Kitty an extra scoop of cat kibble just in case…

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Run, sprint, hurl yourself towards Chipotle

January 27, 2007

I was engaging in my usual Friday afternoon revolt (aka the Down With Weight Watchers Lunch) and in line to get my Chipotle burrito when, behold! By the cash register I saw a CHIPOTLE CALENDAR! Yes, 12 pictures of lovely burritos displayed in scenic, month-appropriate environments (except for June. I don’t get the June pictoral). And it was a bargin at only $5.00. I instantly knew I had to have it and got out more cash.

I doubt the funds go to a good cause, like giving burritos to those not fortunate enough to buy their own little piece of edible heaven because they live in a box on South High Street. In fact, the proceeds from the intense calendar sales (that I’m sure are about to commence) probably just go towards expanding the Chipotle Empire. But that’s cool; as long as they spread the goodness. My Burrito Propaganda is now on my desk and I plan to use it to cross of the days until my next Friday Burrito Festivity.

Oh, and did I mention I was the first person to buy a calendar at that location? Yeah, I was first people. First! When everybody runs out to get their own calendars, remember who lead the pack…And hurry, there are only a few more days to enjoy January’s lovely depiction of “A Burrito meets the New Year.”

Bionic Kitty: the suicide attempts continue

January 26, 2007

I’m not sure what to do about Bionic Kitty’s latest suicide attempt. While it was half-hearted at best, it could have had very disastrous results. This time, she’s alive, healthy, and there were no vet bills involved (thank you, Jesus). I am beginning to seriously think that cat needs some sort of intervention or cat-counseling. I can’t decide if she’s just really stupid or acting out or the cat version of Fat Albert because she will eat anything…

Today, after a long, hard day at the place where I do Lawyerly Things, I was really looking forward to coming home, throwing on some sweat pants and fuzzy red socks, and watching the episode of American Idol that I Tivoed on Tuesday. Small problem: Tivo mysteriously has no power. Um, trauma. Frantically, I run through a mental list of Things That Could Be Wrong: I know I paid my cable bill, the TV works, and I have power. So, I went to investigate the wires and plugs in the mess behind the TV. I thought maybe something got unattached from its plug home or something.

After about 15 minutes untangling my Cord Jungle, I realized that stupid Bionic Kitty ate the Tivo cord. How she managed to avoid electrocution while still chewing through the cord is a true Act of God or maybe it’s her Bionicness coming out again. Regardless, I am now going to have to pay $18.00 for a new cord and have to wait for the Cable Man to come out and replace it between the hours of 8 a.m. and 4 p.m. on Saturday. And I didn’t get to see American Idol or that Lifetime reenactment show about Price William becoming a Man. Eeek! I might ask the cable guy to take Bionic Kitty with him.

An Official Proclomation (of Sorts)

January 26, 2007

Whereas, I am tired and have had a long week.
Whereas, I think The Man is getting me down.
Whereas, I learned today that my workplace has blocked several of my favorite lunch-time-brain-power-restoring Internet sites including Perez Hilton, Ann Taylor and Zappos (aka Shoe Heaven).
Whereas, I wish to passive-aggressively protest this atrocity.
Therefore, I hereby officially deem tomorrow: Avoid Productive Work At All Costs Day!
Whereas, this must be fully celebrated.
Whereas, I suddenly find that I can still dedicate myself to a worthy cause.
Therefore, I have engaged in some pre-planning and compiled a list of websites which might aid in achieving avid and more effective procrastination.

Please see below:

And I quote: Angus MacDougall is a three-year-old terrier mix that has recently been blessed with the revered and holy image of Jesus Christ on his hindquarters.

Google Brad Pitt’s Butt and find treasure. Including a South Park script. Mom, do not read this. I’m warning you…

YouTube has lots of stuff, including nifty commercials. I hear tell that Jack White wrote the music.

I continue to be amazed that sanitary products are so versatile.

I want a witty boyfriend.

New Kids on the Block’s Step By Step video. Hello sixth grade. I missed you.

Arlo. He’ll rock you. I mean, ROCK YOU!

Kevin Smith’s iTunes celebrity playlist that never was. Boo!

Photoshop is a powerful tool that brings together many fine things.

The inner geek in me loves these pictures of Star Wars peeps mixed in with Parisian architecture.

10 reasons the Price is Right won’t be the same without Bob. Double Boo!

Waiting for this site to load is totally worth it. Really. Wait until it shows the FULL-SIZE RED FERRARI she knitted with 12 miles of yarn. I still cannot get over it.

If album covers could talk… Not suitable for work, mothers or grandmothers (I mean it).

Britney Spears: I love you! A montage of videos, pre-K-Fed.

100 totally awesome music videos. This will kill some time.

27 Worst Family Feud Answers. Evah!

Quiz: Are you an Yankee or a Redneck, I mean, Rebel?

The Statue of Limitations

January 25, 2007

My BFF (aka Best Freakin’ Friend) and I have been engaged in a multi-month discussion about how long Friend Etiquette allows a person to bring up and/or hold against another friend a crap thing they did. The debate initially started months ago when I was explaining why a friendship I once had went sour. The incident that originally put a strain on that friendship involved some Tupperware, a hospital, and the temporary incapacitation of a dialing finger. My friend and I never talked about what happened and eventually, the lack of communication caused the whole thing to grow into this big abyss of Unsaid Things and Unexpressed Anger. At some point we blew up at each other and stopped speaking. Looking back, it was rather stupid and largely driven by PMS. If we had talked about the Tupperware Incident when it initially happened, we probably would still be drinking martinis every Thursday night and rating boy booty together. So, BFF and I started to talk about how long Friend Laws allow somebody to hold something against another friend and what was the period in which a person could bring it back up if it still was making them mad/irritated/otherwise annoyed.

This has come up a lot in the last several months. In that time, there have been various instances where I’ve not spoken up when a friend has initially been retarded. Usually this happens because in the moment, I am so darn mad that if I had said something, it would have been a bit loud and potentially gotten us kicked out of the bar. I’ve got a temper at times and know it. It’s especially bad when my friends are Big Jerkfaces. But, can I calm down and revisit the issue a few days later or did the window in which I could say something pass? And if I can circle back, how long do I have? Ugh. This makes my brain hurt. And there have been other times when friends will bring up something I did weeks or months ago and have since apologized for multiple times. BFF and I have been trying to figure out how long the statue of limitations is for having Instances of Wrong thrown back at you both for situations like this and for times when a person fails to speak up about being angry. It’s all very confusing.

BFF thinks this is all impacted by the gender of the friend. By her reasoning, girls seem to think and fester and dwell and if they don’t get stuff resolved, it gets ugly. But if they do put themselves out there, they eventually Talk It Out and then have Closure and Move On. Boys seem to be more in the Dude, Whatever, Let’s Grab a Beer school. Unless it’s something really bad and then they throw a punch or two before they grab a beer. Or they challenge each other to a Wii Duel–May the best man win and all that. (On a side note, I recently played on a friend’s new Wii…I think Nintendo needs to make a Hula hoop game for the Wii. Then, there could be Hula hoop-offs. That would be awesome. Really.) BFF thinks that girl to girl contact has no Talking Time Limit, but boys have a short Incident Retention Period and must be corrected instantly or the correction will be irrelevant, much like puppies who pee on the carpet.

On the other hand, I think that if it bothers you, speak up. A friend will listen and try to take it seriously, no matter their gender. While a girl might actually process the conversation and a guy might just smile, nod and secretly think you are nuts, at least it is no longer internalized. Frankly, if somebody is being a turd, they should know they were a turd, even if it was a few days later. Because really, who wants to be pooh?

So, we continue the debate on and off, with no real answer. This is the stuff of friendship: talking about talking about stuff.

A New Time Suck, or the iPod love affair continues

January 25, 2007

Ever since I completed the Great CD Uploading Project of 2005 (and 2006), I have been on a mission to create playlists for my iPod. While I was recently told that the musical selection on my iPod is worse than what would be found at a gathering of rabid Celine Dion fans, I nonetheless enjoy listening to my Yanni collection. Ok, there really is no Yanni. But there is Barry Manilow. Seriously, I have “Copacabana” thanks to the Dreaded Bar Exam. When I was in the midst of studying for the most Evil Test Ever Created, I really didn’t understand the levels of homicide. No amount of studying or bar prep or CSI was going to help sort it out in my overtaxed brain. I was at the point where I was lucky not to be drooling, let alone remember what constituted a first degree versus a second degree murder. So, I decided to find obscure songs which showcased some type of extreme felonious behavior and make a mixed CD. I figured that if I wasn’t going to pass the exam and was about to waste a $100K education, heck, at least I could have a rockin’ mix about manslaughter. “Copacabana” made the cut based on this:

His name was Rico
He wore a diamond
He was escorted to his chair, he saw Lola dancing there
And when she finished,he called her over
But Rico went a bit to far
Tony sailed across the bar
And then the punches flew and chairs were smashed in two
There was blood and a single gun shot
But just who shot who?

Clearly, there was a battery, but darn it, something happened as far as a murder. I think. Still now sure. But now, I have Barry on my iPod.

I’m currently making a playlist for everything: cleaning the bathroom, cooking chili, walking on the treadmill, driving to work, brushing my teeth. Every activity gets a playlist, as do emotions. I’ve got “songs for when you f*ck things up,” “songs for when mom talks about breeding,” “happy songs,” and “songs that make me horny.” Oh, and there are era-ish playlists. Like “prom songs” or “songs from when I was a dejected law student.” And ambition related playlists. For example “songs to get me back into skinny pants.”

The most eccentric playlist I’ve compiled this week is probably the “Love-ish” playlist. A sampling:

1.Thirteen by Big Star: Young love. Cute. Perhaps a bit nauseating.
2. Fat by Violent Femmes: An anthem for love scorned. It starts “I hope you got fat. I hope you got really fat.” Classic.
3. The Scientist by Coldplay: voted Best Love Song by a Whiny British Band in the ’06 Katherine Musical Awards.
4. A Question of Lust by Depeche Mode: Every good mix contains Depeche Mode.
5. Untouchable Face by Ani DiFranco: I listened to this on repeat my freshman year in college since I was the third person in a love triangle. My room mate listened to me moan and whine and play the song 93,745,983,475,893,475 times. She was a saint.
6. Black Coffee by Peggy Lee and K.D. Lang and Ani: It’s so good, they all did a version.
7. The Luckiest by Ben Folds: Simple, sweet, and going to be played at my wedding. And yes, mom, I will one day get married. There is hope.
8. I’m Wrong About Everything by John Wesley Harding: A song for men. Always admit fault. Always.
9. Love Love Love by The Mountain Goats: “Some moments last forever but some flare out with love love love.” Good lyrics. Plus, the band has a great name.
10. I’m the Man Who Loves You by Wilco: Great guitar. Great lyrics. Great song. Great background vocal: Ohhhohhhhwhoohooo.
11. You’re Gonna Miss Me (the live version) by 13th Floor: Break up with me, and you’ll miss me. The song says so, so there.
12. Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus: Teenage lesbian love. Naughty.
13. Daydream Believer by Mary Beth Maziarz: Friendship and love in the everyday world.
14. I Won’t Be Your Yoko Ono by Dar Williams: Well, not unless you are worthy of me.
15. Portions for Roxes by Rilo Kiley: When liking somebody is a bad idea but still happens. And then they sleep with somebody else. Ouch.
16. Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley: Breaking up blows.
Honorable mention goes to Daisy Jane by America: the first time I heard it, I thought her name was Daisy Chain.

On a side note, I just got Meet the Smithereens by The Smithereens. Good album.

Busy, busy…

January 25, 2007

My life has been a bit insane lately… New responsibilities doing Lawyerly Things and a different Big Big Boss at the place that employs me to do said Lawyerly Things, a renewed relationship with the Elliptical machine at the gym (this may be short lived because 4:30 a.m. is damn early), a rebonding of my toosh to the couch now that American Idol is back on, and a sudden urge to date anybody eHarmony deems compatible (well, only if they have hair and perhaps teeth)… Among other things… This has all lead to a pretty hectic life outside of The Blog. But really, I will try to be better. And keep the hate mail coming; it lets me know you care. Or are really bored at work.

If I had a little tyke…

January 11, 2007

… I would buy him (or her) NYC in a bag. And no, Mom, that does not mean I am currently experiencing any inclination to propagate my genetic code this decade.

My dirty mind

January 11, 2007

I can’t possibly be the only person who initially saw this and immediately thought it looked, um, phallic in nature. But it’s actually a mouse trap. Who knew?

Buy this for me!

January 11, 2007

Because, until I pay off $8 million, give or take, in student loans, I’m not gonna get it for myself. And really, I think a funkalicious spiral bowl would look excellent on my kitchen table.