Archive for the ‘Random Lists’ Category

Get Toasted: A BSG Drinking Game

March 20, 2009

As an FYI to the Seven Loyal Readers who aren’t full-fledged Geeks and thus unaware, tonight’s the Finale of Battlestar Galactica. Since I know you were wondering, they’ve found Earth but it was all nuked and depressing. Kara Thrace’s Special Destiny is still unclear. And the human population count has dwindled to numbers that make incest increasingly acceptable. As a Girl Geek, I, of course, plan to spend the night on the couch, wearing my BSG tee, and twittering spoilers to all my Tivo-using friends. Also, I’m Officially Predicting The Following:

  • Everybody returns to Kobil, thus starting the whole frakkin’ cycle over again.
  • Kara’s daddy is Daniel, the boxed and aloof 13th Cylon.
  • Kara and Lee finally do the Horizontal Tango in a moment of post-saving-humanity bliss, despite Kara being a semi-Cylon.
  • Anders never gets out of the Goo Bath.
  • Adama dies in a moment of suicidal heroic splendor, but only after Roslin finally succumbs to The Slowest Killing Breast Cancer In The Galaxy and goes to the Big Gods In The Sky.

And because I like to commemorate Television Events by posting a drinking game, I’ve developed a sure-fire way to become blotto before Starbuck saves the entire frakking universe during the second hour. So, BSGers, write your will on 8-sided paper, make peace with the Gods, and settle in for liver doom.

ONE DRINK:

  • Adama takes off or puts on his glasses dramatically
  • Adama uses his Glare of Death; bonus drink if Cottle deflects it with his own Scowl of Intense Disapproval
  • Adama does something “captainy,” like crushing walnuts in his hand or building a model ship
  • Adama has a Moment with Starbuck
  • Adama has a Moment with Lee
  • Boomer tries to prove she’s really nice and not evil
  • Boomer is angry/unhappy/depressed/suicidal
  • Gaius is talking to Ghost Six
  • Roslin makes a heartfelt and inspiring impromptu speech to the Fleet
  • Starbuck and Lee Adama stare at each other for non-work-related reasons
  • Thigh yells, “Gods Damnit!”

TWO DRINKS:

  • Somebody says a multi-word curse using Frak (e.g. mother frakker)
  • Anytime there’s an 8-sided paper item
  • Somebody is airlocked; extra sip if Roslin commands it
  • They spin up the FTL only to have it initially fail, then miraculously work at the Very Last Possible Second
  • Lady McTigh ever sleeps with her husband again
  • Six isn’t showing cleavage
  • Starbuck demonstrates a previously unknown but still nifty talent/ability/skill
  • Starbuck hops into bed on a barely-considered whim
  • Tori tries to get her own way

THREE DRINKS:

  • Adama cries; chug if it’s over Roslin’s deathbed
  • Anders wakes up
  • Lee stops being a self-righteous douche
  • Starbuck does her open-mouthed hyena laugh
  • Starbuck is happy
  • There’s a scene on a Fleet ship besides the Galactica

CHUG:

  • They unveil Daniel or any other extra Cylon models
  • Galactica collapses
  • Humanity does not survive
  • The entire series leaps ahead a year
  • Baltar is revealed as the traitor who betrayed the Colonies and actually can’t weasel out of it
  • Dualla resurrects
  • Ghost Six’s existence is confirmed and revealed

BONUS:

  • Anyone says any variant of “frak” besides the multi-word curse: just kind of wave at the screen
  • Lee in a towel: Thank the Gods and then drink until your pulse returns to normal
  • Anytime Grace Parker appears: shout which character you think she is (Eight, Sharon, Athena, Boomer or Other) and if you’re correct, hand your beer to someone who got it wrong
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Facebook Groups That Need To Exist

February 27, 2009
  • Flunkies For The Elimination Of Awkward Office Birthday Parties
  • Peanut Allergies Are Actually A Form Of Darwinism, Duh!
  • My Cell Phone Is My Night Light
  • Metro Commuters Who Advocate Pushing Left Standers Down The Escalator
  • Blair Waldorf Versus Brenda Walsh: The Final Showdown!!!!!!
  • The Good People Of Ohio Who Support Giving Michigan To Canada
  • Has-Been Glittery Jellie Shoe Weareres
  • I’m Only On Facebook For Purposes Of Internet Stalking
  • I Used To Eat Paste And Secretly Miss It
  • Hipsters For The Eradication Of Bootie Shoes
  • I KNOW My Mom Is Hotter Than Your Mom
  • I Raved In Columbus, Ohio Sometime Between 1994 and 2001
  • The Few, The Proud, The Crocs Lovers
  • Carmen Sandiego, Waldo and Dick Cheney Are All Hiding Under My Bed
  • The Pigeons Around Farragut West Are Freakishly OK With Human Interaction
  • I Still Collect Action Figures And Secretly Act Out Battles With Them
  • Caution! I’ll Defriend You If You Send Me Another Stupid Meme/Note/Chain Letter/Green Patch Invitation
  • Facebook Pictures Are Like The Webbernet’s Version Of Beer Goggles
  • I Wish I Had Thought Of The Snuggie
  • I’m Afraid To Publicly Admit I Watch Battlestar Galactica So I Joined This Secret Group Instead
  • “Is…” Is Not An Appropriate Status Message
  • Drunken Text Messages: Poetry Of The 21st Century
  • I Turned Out Better Than My Third Grade Nemesis And Know It Thanks To Facebook
  • Holler! A Facebook Group For Urban White People
  • How To Use Facebook: A Tutorial For My Mom
  • Milk Duds, The Silent Killer
  • 28 Reasons Why I Defriended You
  • Drank Vodka, Puked On My Phone, But Still Don’t Need Numbers Because I’m Cool Like That!
  • Official Petition To Revoke George W. Bush’s Citizenship
  • The Ancient And Mystical Society Of Unicorn Lovers
  • Pickles – Yeah!
  • I Big Pink Puffy Heart Tetris!
  • I Am Currently Doing Kegel Exercises
  • We Weren’t Friends In High School So Stop Asking To Be My Friend In CyberSpace

A Valentine’s Day Gift Guide For The Bitter

February 10, 2009

Just because I’m generally shunning affairs of the heart doesn’t mean the rest of the world is. But on the off chance you too have recently been cheated on, left for (emotionally) dead and are consequently considering a lesbian lifestyle, I’d like to offer some help in surviving the upcoming holiday. Behold, the Gift Guide For The Bitter. Between this and a bottle of Ketle One, you’re set.

V is for Vodka T-shirt. Please, somebody buy me this. Size Large, to better accommodate by breasteses.

Never has a statement tee been so accurate.

Never has a statement tee been so accurate.

Pop Art. A four step process:

  1. Take a photo of yourself giving the one-fingered salute.
  2. Have it turned into a nifty Warhol-ish type masterpiece.
  3. Send to Ex with a pithy note.
  4. Consider it $130 well spent.
Similar to this, but with you and your middle finger.

Similar to this, but with you and your middle finger.

Drunk Dial Prevention. To ensure all post-breakup dignity remains intact.

The Condom Box. Because cigarette cases are passe.

The stainless steel case could double as a compact.

Buy the stainless steel case. It'll double as a compact.

STD Stuffed Animals. In fourth grade, there was the “I Love You” teddy bear. Think of this as the adult variety.

The Hallmark version of Chlamydia.

The Hallmark version of Chlamydia.

Bittersweet Conversation Hearts. Because I LUV U is out and CALL A 900# is in.

Chocolate Penis Mold. This is one you can use your teeth on.

Make yourself a treat.

Make yourself a treat. But be warned: once you go coca, you'll never go back.

A Pocket Rocket. The battery operated boyfriend. Better stock up on your triple A’s at the same time.

Monkey Business Surefire Compound Bow. Cupid has got nothing on you.

Ready? Aim? FIRE! Preferably towards the genitle region.

Ready? Aim? FIRE! Preferably towards his genitle region.

I’ve Moved On Card. It’s blank inside. If you write small, you could probably include all your helpful suggestions on how he could improve his bedroom performance.

You can writein "asshole" somewhere on the front.

Feel free to write in "asshole" somewhere on the front.

Dead Fred Pen Holder. Yeah, you could get the Voodoo Knife Block. But this lives in your cubicle, so you can jab with a bit more frequency.

It would only be better if it screamed each time you poked it with a ballpoint.

It would only be better if it screamed each time you poked it with a ballpoint.

Magic Date Ball. Will he get food poisoning? Will he have male pattern baldness? Will his dog die in an unexplainable Zip Car drive by?

Will he be in a tragic accident where he loses his balls?

Will he be in a tragic accident where he loses his balls?

Returning To The Regularly Scheduled Program

February 9, 2009

This interviewy thing has been on the webbernets for awhile. In fact, I’ve had these questions, thoughtfully provided by Restaurant Refugee and Sexy, Single and Celibate, for several weeks. But I’m only now getting to them. *sigh*

If you’d like to play along, just follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. And I will probably take my sweet time constructing them.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

It may be too soon for you to conduct a “lessons learned” exercise from The eCrush Chronicles, but what are your immediate take aways from the experience? And did the blog attention (your most comments ever) help or hurt?

You mean take aways aside from all the interesting things I found when I googled “I now sympathize with Lorena Bobbit?” Or the list of Top Ten Signs Your Boyfriend Is Gay, which I plan to distribute amongst my nearest and dearest?

The recent blog silence was the result of two things: 5.25 days spent on the couch, recovering from a Hell-spawned version of influenza, and because I have been reeling from the emotional fall out of The eCrush Chronicles. My time with eCrush was the most profound, impacting relationship of my life and the manner in which it ended was something I was in no way prepared for. During the last few weeks, I’ve been vacillating between Bitter, Party Of One and Acute Emotional Denial. But things exploded Saturday; we had a Confrontation with a Gigantor Big C. Epic turned short, I am walking away from The eCrush Chronicles with a renewed sense of self-worth. The last few days have shown me that I trust myself enough to leave a relationship that is fundamentally unhealthy; I will not stay simply because I am “loved.” I’m worth more than that. It’s all very Girl Power.

As for the comment love, it’s strangely empowering to realize that should I ever need it, there is a lynch mob at my disposal. Bonus is they bring their own shovels.

You describe yourself as certifiably Midwestern sexy. List all of the things that make you feel Washingtonian sexy.

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If we were to take Bionic Kitty out for too many vodka and catnips, what would she tell us about you?

Despite her taxing schedule of Power Naps and Guerilla Bird Watching, Bionic Kitty decided to answer this.

Dear People:

I would like to take this opportunity to clarify: my alleged suicide attempts are not an indication of a stupid or otherwise fool-hardy personality. Instead, they are calculated acts of vengeance. You see, years ago, Big Lady posted pictures of me hanging out in her pants. She thought it was simply documentation of my amusing and playful personality. However, I feel she breached the trustful nature of the pet/owner relationship. Plus, I resented her implications that I am portly. Of course I engaged in immediate retribution and retaliation at the time; I brought a hairball up on her favorite carpet. Yet Big Lady didn’t take the hint and continued to over-share about my antics. If anything, she’s become more prolific. In turn, I reacted with more hairballs and assorted acts of destruction. It’s been several years, and Big Lady continues to publicly humiliate me, I continue to seek vengeance, and we’ve become trapped in a Circle of Hate. Still, I will not be the one to capitulate. As long as Big Lady documents my behavior on her blog, especially if she does so in an unflattering and/or humiliating manner, I will remain engaged in a stealth War Of Terror. Also, I will continue until she apologizes for the damage to my sensibilities. Treats will be accepted in lieu of a verbal apology.

Recently, I’ve found my Campaign of Evil has been particularly successful as demonstrated by Big Lady’s verbal reaction. Experience has taught me that she has a hierarchy of annoyance. If she mumbles nonsense about returning me to the Pet Rescue, claiming that she still has the receipt, then I’ve not registered on her aggrevation meter. I consider my endeavors more successful if she breaks out a four letter word. If there’s volume involved, or maybe some carpet cleaner, I also deem that a victory. But the real jackpot is when Big Lady combination cusses. At times of severe displeasure, usually involving the destruction of property or extensive clean up, she creates variations on existing expletives. For example, the time I drank toilet bowl cleaner and she had to make me projectile vomit? During that episode, she called me a Fuckity Ass Bitchoid and repeatedly stated that poison control should no longer help with pets. Or this morning, when I jumped on her from atop the fridge and she dropped the jug of orange juice all over her favorite shoes, she chased me while screaming that I was a Satanic Whoralicious Assfaced Monkey Spawn and if I gave her a heart attack, nobody would known for days and how would I like a prolonged period of starvation? Yep, I know I’ve done quality work when she combines bad language in new and interesting ways. Snarky comments and eye-rolling are a bonus.

Also, as Big Lady has mortified me continuously since the inception of her blog, I have chosen to engage in a little tit-for-tat and share the following:

  • She farts in her sleep. Copiously and at near toxic levels.
  • She sings in the shower. Her current repertoire is heavy on Ashlee Simpson, Seal, Debbie Gibson and pre-crack Whitney Huston.
  • She has not done laundry in at least three weeks. I suspect she’s wearing dirty granny panties today.
  • She recenlty fished a piece of cake out of the garbage can and ate it. She claimed it was a PMS related chocolate emergency but there’s no excuse. Behavior like that’s just nasty.

Finally I think you should know that I do not support the latest Household Diet Initiative. Just because Big Lady is depriving herself of carbs does not mean we all must suffer. And she needs to give the litter box more attention.

Yours respectfully, etc.

Bionic Kitty

Your commute is full of horror stories and people. What prejudgments do you think your fellow commuters make about you? Please answer for both the tourists and the locals if there is a difference.

I’d like to think I am a well-mannered, seemingly innocuous member of the Commutership who doesn’t warrant any form of prejudgment aside from the occasional speculation about what’s in my Mary Poppins sized bag.

2009 hands you an unexpected, wrapped gift with a large bow. What is inside? You then have to gift this box anonymously to someone else. To whom do you give it and what is inside?
The contents include:

  • An endless supply of Diet Coke (it’s the box that just keeps on giving).
  • Lifetime OSU Football Tickets with accompanying airfare, approved time off, and reserved tailgating spot.
  • A case of some itchy, reoccurring, penis-shrinking VD that I can magically infect eCrush with.
  • Ten minutes to do a Supermarket Sweep type thingie in the Nordstroms shoe department at Tysons.
  • The ability to cut the Chop’t lunch line.
  • A regenerating pile of cash, in large denominations.
  • A nifty new apartment in the District, tricked out in Yuppie-meets-Hipster type furnishings and flat screen TVs.
  • An all-expense-paid trip to someplace tropical where straight men in banana-hammocks will serve me fruity drinks, decorate my hair with exotic orchids and spritz me with Evian.
  • Joss Whedon and/or Michael Rosenbaum, mine for one hour, to with whatever I please.

For her unflagging gChatting and general emotional propping up, Are You Really A Lawyer would get the Box ‘o’ Love. The contents would be remarkably similar. Except she’d probably want different fantasy men and she might skip the VD.
Bonus: This has been a hot threesome between you, Restaurant Refugee, and SingleGirl. If RR and SG weren’t available, who would you pick to complete your threesome?

Can I plead the Fifth? Gah! FINE.

Veronica Mars and Chuck Bass. But only if there was Reddiwip.

reddi-wip-logo-718089

A Hypothetical List Of Ads Gmail Would Generate Based On The Real Life Subject Lines Of My Email

January 23, 2009

Subject Line of Email: If I get laid off, I am considering an alternative career in porn

The Ad:

Porn Star At-Home Starter Kit

For Serious Entrepreneurs Only!


Subject Line of Email: Greetings From The Arctic Tundra

The Ad:

Sarah Palin Porn Tapes!!!!!

She’s A Real Maverick In Bed! Same Day Delivery Guaranteed.


Subject Line of Email: Attorneys Unite!

The Ad:

Discovery Channel: Shark Week!

Learn More About The Villains Of The Deep. Because Blood Sucking Isn’t Just For Vampires!


Subject Line of Email: Your emotional support is requested for impending Bridesmaid Dress try-on session

The Ads:

Obtain Valium Legally From Mexico!!

Discover The Single Greatest Secret To Effortlessly Surviving Yet Another Wedding.


http://www.BridesmaidsAgainstButtBows.com

A Support Group. Please Also Visit Our Sister organization At http://www.ThereAreNoScrewableGroomsmenToMakeThisWorthwhile.com.


Taffeta: The New Cotton

Learn About The World’s Nineteenth Most Popular Fabric And Why It’s Not Just For Bridesmaid Dresses!


Subject Line of Email: We should do this sometime

The Ad:

Prostate Exams

Experience The Fun!


Subject Line of Email: The Great Pregnancy Scare of ‘08

The Ads:

101 Upsides of Astro Glide

A Helpful Pamphlet. Includes Tips, Tricks And Hints For Successful Usage.


http://www.vasectomy.com

The Durable, Effective, Easy-To-Use Birth Control Designed For Over-Breeders Everywhere!


Screw Him!

A One Stop Shop For DNA Testing, Finding Your Local Child Support Enforcement Agency, And Nailing That Bastard Just Like He Nailed You!

The Cool Kids Are Doing It: Bloggerational Ball 2009

January 18, 2009

Good morning, Seven Loyal Readers! I am anxiously trying to figure out how I’m getting across the Potomac today, thanks to all the Inaugural bridge closings. It’s looking more and more like a midday swim is in my future. But never fear! I’ll be dethawed and wearing party shoes in time for tonight’s Bloggerational Ball! Just a quick reminder that it’s at The Reef in AdMo (Google map here). Festivities begin at 8 pm. I’ll be the one holding vodka. And having recently viewed the Guesty List, I thought why not give some link love to the bloggers who are coming (this in no way represents all the attendees, just the oversharer contingent). So, in no particular order…

PS — If I left you out, please email me at whoinventedroses at gmail or leave a comment and I will amend once I am done pole vaulting over the river.

Soliciting Suggestions For My Inauguration Playlist

January 16, 2009

Please put them in Comments…

And go!

The gChat Diaries, Vol. 3

January 9, 2009

Me: One Halloween, when I was about 12, I went as Bacchus. My mother was not happy. It was a sign, really.


Laina: I’ve come to the conclusion that I might be an asshole.


Me: You know when you get too many tickets and the judge makes you go back to traffic school? Well, I’m doing the same thing for you but with 9th Grade Health Class and condom usage.

Anonymous Friend: Damn abstinence-only education. Fails every time.


Stella: This is the best movie ever.

Me: It’s on HBO?

Stella: Even better…Lifetime!

Me: OMG. Change the channel. Please!

Stella: Whatevs! Sandra Oh and Elliot from Scrubs are in it! Keeps getting better!!

(Later)

Stella: Taye Diggs!!!! This is an all star cast!!!

Me: OMG TIVO THAT BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Me: I don’t understand. How are you in different places in life?

Second Anonymous Friend: DIFFERENT LIKE HE STILL SLEEPS IN A TWIN BED.

Me: Oh. I see.


Me: FYI, vacuuming a down comforter is not easy.

Stella: You are ridiculous.

Me: I can’t help it if the Damn Dog rolled on it while the duvet was off and COVERED it in icky puppy hair and now I can’t get the hair OFF.

Stella: Sick sick SICK.

Me: I want to KILL that dog. I go and vacuum for a few minutes, get irritated and must stop.

Stella: Perhaps the dog was sent from God to serve as the proverbial straw?

Me: Becoming more likely. Every time I go into the bedroom and fire up the vacuum, eCrush is all, “They have programs for people like you.” And I mumble something about humane ways to put down dogs. And boyfriends.


Jill: What the fuck were you thinking?

Me: That’s the question of my life.

20 Categories I’d Totally Dominate On Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader

January 7, 2009
  • Vodka Mixers and Assorted Over Priced Microbrews
  • Hipster Accessories
  • Lamentable Acts While Intoxicated
  • 10 Ways To Present Box Mac And Cheese As A Gourmet Meal
  • Spot The Knock-Off Shoe
  • 101 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Go To Law School
  • The Advantages of Midwestern Home Ownership In Comparison To DC Renting
  • Text Messages That Would Have Been Helpful Yesterday
  • 20 Ways To Determine If Your Boyfriend Is So In The Closet He Can See Narnia
  • Diet Coke: Giver Of Life Or Caffeine Crutch?
  • Select The Proper Wine Accompaniment For Each Frozen Meal In The Grocer’s Freezer
  • Disappointing Bedfellows
  • Things You Would Never Tell Your Mother, Therapist, or the National Enquirer But Post On Your Blog Without Second Thought
  • Why Bootie Shoes Look Like Something The Whore Version Of Laura Ingalls Wilder Would Wear
  • Old School Nintendo Games And The People That Love Them
  • Plausible Excuses For Gym Avoidance
  • Metro Injuries
  • Which Teen Idol Said It: Dawson, Brandon Or Chuck Bass?
  • Create The Perfect Storm Of Lactose Intolerance Hell
  • Things Bionic Kitty Has Yet To Eat But Wouldn’t Kill Her Anyway

It’s Sorta Like Prom, But Better!

January 5, 2009

Dear Mr. and Ms. Prospective Ballgoer:

Yeah, I know we aren’t going to have Oprah. And the only Obama sighting will be the life-size cutout of the President-Elect that I am bringing as my date. Even so, the Bloggerational Ball is THE PARTY to attend during Inauguration Weekend. It’s going to be historic. It’s going to magical. It’s going to be held in a bar. And it’s going to be nothing like Prom, because:

  • Once sufficiently boozed up, I will begin my campaign to be crowned Blog Queen. Please note: This is a solo venture, not in the least bit sponsored, supported or otherwise endorsed by the Bloggerational Ball Committee and if LiLu sees my Pretty Pretty Princess tiara, she’s threatened to confiscate it. 
  • I am wearing a strapless dress. Chances are high there’s going to be another Boobies Incident!
  • Booze. Lots of it. Legally.
  • The whole “loss of virginity” thing is out of the way.
  • Five Words: Riding. Metro. In. Formal. Wear.
  • The only pictures are the ones you choose to take for blackmail purposes. 423 posed photos of you on the White House lawn doing the Corsage Exchange optional. 
  • Sister Mary Regina will not be supervising the dancing. Nor will balloons be provided to maintain proper pelvic distance.
  • Commemorative souvenirs may be purchased at the nearest street vendor.
  • The only subcommittee is the one I formed, which is dedicated to making sure there is enough TP in the loos. Ladies, you can thank me later.