Per the BFF…

I need, among things like a life and a hot man, something to keep my phantom iPhone in. She suggested an iPhone Monster. Yeah, watch me whip that out on the Metro.

Buy me this

Invisible Ink. For the little part of me that still wants to be Harriet the Spy.

Kitchen stuff for my birthday

Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, and my birthday is on Sunday. Besides a hot man and a million dollars, there isn’t much I want. Well, except for random kitchen gadgetry.

Odd concepts in the kitchen always fascinate me. Who really needs cups that snap together? Especially at $50 per cup and they can’t go in the dishwasher. Um, pass.

I really do want a jumbo muffin pan. I can make jumbo muffins to go with my usual breakfast of a jumbo diet coke. It might help to make me less of a jumbo grump in the morning.

Hand painted plates and bowls that tie into my attempt at a retroish inspired red and blue kitchen theme might be nice. Maybe just one or two for parties. Wait, what parties? Never mind…

Oh! I can get customized Jones soda bottles. Bionic Kitty can be on the labels! Conversation piece and good for continuous laughs.

I LOVE Kettle chips. The thought makes my stomach growl and my arteries get a nice clogged feeling. To be able to get a five pack of limited edition flavors would be totally nifty.

The next stage in garlic presses. It’s like building a better mouse trap, but for cooking! And I hate my garlic press. All those little pieces I have to try to dig out with a fork. It’s the most aggravating kitchen gizmo.

A personal deep fryer would be nice. Seriously. Fresh onion rings whenever I want them? Yes, please!

Chocolate voodoo dolls! Hahahahahahha! I rather like the idea.

Sometimes I don’t want a martini and I’m not a huge beer fan. I want to try something else. Like Lambic. Hmmm… Or a wine club subscription.

Ha! I want this! The meat edition

Random thing to know about me: I appreciate Spam. Not to eat but rather because it is groovy in a gross-meat-in-a-can kind of way. Also, I think my dad eats it and thus it must be cool. While I am not on an official mission to spread Spam love, I have recently learned that there are others out there who share my appreciate of canned meat. There are actually honest to God Spam celebrations like the Spam Jam or Spamarama. Yep, they are real. And Hormel even had a Spamily Reuion which featured some real crowd pleasers like the Daisy Dillman Band and the Teddy Bear Band for the kids. Or Jim Belushi and The Sacred Hearts (since when does he have a band?!?!). And the Spamettes. Sorry to have missed that.

Anyway, during my Time of Incapacitation, I really wanted to find bandaids with Spam can pictured on them. I don’t know why. I just did. But I was foiled. Instead, I found lots and lots of random meat related products…

Stuffed meat. Something only a few can truly appreciate.

Canned meat. A pencil holder for the squirrel lover. Or the opossum lover. Or beaver lover. Etc.

Meat lovers now have an Official Society. And a coaster. Rejoice!

What does one wrap in Bacon covered gift wrap? Regardless, there is matching decorative tape.

Bacon and eggs for boo boos. It has extra special healing power.

If I had a little tyke…

… I would buy him (or her) NYC in a bag. And no, Mom, that does not mean I am currently experiencing any inclination to propagate my genetic code this decade.

My dirty mind

I can’t possibly be the only person who initially saw this and immediately thought it looked, um, phallic in nature. But it’s actually a mouse trap. Who knew?

Buy this for me!

Because, until I pay off $8 million, give or take, in student loans, I’m not gonna get it for myself. And really, I think a funkalicious spiral bowl would look excellent on my kitchen table.

Something to do at work…

I know that killing time at work can sometimes be key to maintaining sanity. Especially if your name is Phil and there is downtime between fun science experiments. So, Phillip, this one is dedicated to you…

Get a calculator. Type in one of the sums below. Turn your calculator upside down. Look! It spells a word! How retro is that? Now stick the word in the comments so every body’s efforts pay off.
(and watch out for the rude ones)

A) 6 × 751
B) 14 × 577
C) 8 × 4001
D) 61 × 580
E) 114 × 317
F) 191 × 198
G) 493 × 755
H) 616 × 863
I) 15 × 30223
J) 34 × 11059
K) 466 × 7793
L) 424 × 11959
M) 1051 × 5059
N) 1421 × 3897
O) 1726 × 4481
P) 1987 × 2707
Q) 3867 ÷ 5000
R) 5582 × 6637
S) 8361 × 6938
T) 9576 × 5783
U) 2939 × 26317
V) 27 × 1400599
W) 875 × 65986813
X) 14215469 ÷ 20000
Y) 15711 × 24070 + 1
Z) 6594 × 2293 × 3517

Stuff I Want Because I Do… Jewlery Edition!

If I can’t get real bling, metal bling will do.

I need to marry rich. Or find a Sugar Daddy. It’s be-u-ti-ful.

Screw being tasteful. I want people to gawk.

Chain mail is hot!

It’s funky, it’s red, it’s like the Gordian Knot. Except not.

Kryptonite for the hand.

For that old school, teacher look, I think I need a Cardie Guardian.

I’ve always wanted a Waffle Belt Buckle.

And the love of random hosiery continues

At work, when I do lawyerly things, I wear black suits and fishnets. At home, where I don’t do lawyerly things, I wear hose with funky stripes and colors and patterns. I just bought some more because I loved them. But what will I wear them with? They are orange and boysenberry. Who puts those colors together?