There are times in life when I have to make decisions, and I agonize over the right thing to do. The reality is that in six months, what I ultimately decide probably will be irrelevant. Still, I’m a woman and I’m genetically engineered to overthink everything. As an attorney, it’s even worse, since I not only overthink but also have to know every possible outcome, have two backup plans for each possible scenario, and even if all else fails, still emerge having made the totally right decision. Considering all that, it goes without saying that any decisons that are remotely guy related become as impossible to figure out as attempting to get Nick and Jessica to reconcile.
When it all becomes too hard to analyze by myself, I turn to my friends. Every woman has a group of other people (Re: women and a gay guy) she turns to for Life (Re: guy) Crisis Analysis. For me, the first line of defense is my Bestest Friend. The BF knows all the deep, dark secrets in my life. Everything from what really happened That Night, to how loud I can really fart, to my tendency to eat cheddar cheese and choclate together when in emotional turmoil. She’ll be honest, but she’ll also temper it so it won’t hurt as much. For example, BF will tell me the jeans I have on look cute but the other pair REALLY make my butt look skinnier. She’ll empathize, sympathize, and call the guy a Pimple Butt Face if that’s what needs to happen. Finally, BF has the scary psychic abilities of my mother. Basically, she just knows everything thanks to her super mental powers. It can’t be explained, it just is, and it’s darn unnerving sometimes.
Next, I turn to the group of Analyzers. These people help me disect every possible meaning, outcome, scenario, and aspect of whatever action, word, inflection, touch, or look I am trying to figure out. Often this is an indepth process that covers multiple hours of conversation over multiple days. This group is so good that if they worked for the CIA, there would not be any more terrorist threat. They’d have found them, figured out everything the bad guys thought, and learned every nuance of every plan the bad guys tried to impliment (not to mention the Analyzers would have concieved an action plan for the situation, complete with eight million variables covering everythign from what to wear to what to do if he could kill a small dog with that breath).
There’s also the Token (Gay) Guy. When the BF and Analyzers simply aren’t giving me complete picture I need, then I sometimes have to reach for the mole. Usually, the Token Guy is refreshingly honest (if disolussioned) and has an entirely too simple explaination for the issue at hand. But, it’s still important to ask…and then laugh at his refreshing-but-oh-so-simple mind.
But, I believe my current situation is beyond even my tried and true method of Guy Crisis Analysis. BF has said this is too much even her Great Wisdom. The Analyzers have deemed it a “Catch 22 of you’re F-ed no matter what you do magnitude” and Token Guy wants no part of this one, for fear of repercussions if I don’t like the answer. I’m desperate. So, I’m going to ask the Universe (or rather the five people who actually read this blog) What To Do?
The situation is as follows:
X and Y (and that’s not obvious who’s who, based on chromosones, now is it??) have a long standing relationship with clearly defined paramaters. Y has been acting funny, throwing some kinks in the works, and it is not clear if Y is attempting to change the relationship or what. It is totally possible that Y is just a Dumb Ass. Or there could be more afoot. If there is, it’s not clear what. In a nutshell, X is now confused by Y; Y is just not as evolved as X and thus can’t communicate properly; and X doesn’t know what to do without messing up everything, and is afraid to act just in case nothing is really happening. Makes perfect sense, huh? So, please vote for one of the following options:
A.) X does nothing
B.) X says something to Y involving phrases like, “what are you all about, you stupid head?” or “why ruin a good thing, you retard?”
C.) X says something to Y without the phrases because she doesn’t want things to change
D.) X says something to Y without the phrases because she wants things to change
E.) X decides to chuck it all and swear off men (wait, don’t vote for that one)
F.) X just makes a martini and forgets about all of it until tomorrow
Thank you for your input. Oh, and if you know who X and Y are, please refrain from using names (unless it is refering to X as Girl Genius and Y as The Munchkin Intellect Man).
I wish this thing had spell check…