Archive for March, 2007

How to explain the horror?

March 27, 2007

I’ve been making an effort to date lately. This really isn’t about dating and mating and all that, so much as it is about making my mother happy. Any possibility, however small, of my DNA being involved in a reproduction process is enough to send her into fits of glee these days. While that’s definitely a perk, this drama that basically consists of eating with strangers (and a fair amount of freaks) is highly over rated.

For example, there is the time I have to spend picking out cute outfits. If I’m being honest, I don’t buy cute clothes. I buy shoes instead. When showing up to a date with great footwear and otherwise naked is an option, I will be on board. Until then, I am out of luck. My BFF told me a few months ago that my clothes were all too geared towards work. Well, duh. I spend most of my life there. Sweater sets and black suits. Easy; even if a bit “I’m beginning to dress like mom.” It’s also a bad wardrobe sign when the 23 year-old “I still wear belly shirts” person at the Place of Lawyerly Things told me I was her clothing role model for when she hits “her early to mid 30s.” Shit. So coming up with cute date clothes from my non-cute wardrobe causes headaches. And that’s for the first date. The second and third are nightmares because at that point, he’s seen the best of the bunch.

The stories people persist in telling during that first dinner are also amazing: No, I did not know you had a boa constrictor. (Scary). You fed him a live goat yesterday and it bleated for ten minutes after being swallowed. (Okkkkaaay.) Yes, I agree that some people would find that nifty. I am not one of them.

Despite all the negative aspects, it became worth it when I struck gold: A great guy who is normal and funny with an actual job and is blessed with color blindness so he doesn’t notice I’ve have the same shirt in three colors. It’s like heaven after months and months of horror. I met this wonderful guy and he didn’t mind the no driving thing and sent me flowers when I was sick. He could cook and tolerated my adoration of Britney Spears pre K-Fed. Bliss. I was suddenly on the dating bandwagon. I thought it was true that everybody has to kiss frogs to meet a prince. So, Amazing Guy and I went out this weekend and had a lovely time. Right up til I met his wife.

Turns out Amazing Guy is actually Scum Sucker Extraordinaire. We were at a local hot spot, people watching and talking about nothing but still finding it all insanely funny. At some point, I looked up because I felt the Glaring Eyes of Hell drilling into me. There was a woman and a few of her friends, jaws gaping and that “I am going to kill” stance starting to become apparent in their body language. Unknown About Wife and pals approach and ask who the, “(*(^&*(^)&%*^ #%^$#*^$(%)*&^ are you and what are you doing with my husband?” I think I really did feel the world rock at that moment. Long story short, she believed me when I said I had no knowledge of any sort that the SSE bastard was married. I quickly got out of there before her Posse of Pissed Off Friends decided to exact revenge on my tender skin. I even managed to secure a ride and make it home without having a total meltdown about the incident or the multitude of people at the mall who were watching the show.

I’ve now spent the last few days racked with guilt about something I truly was the innocent in, reliving what I now think of as my Springer Moment, and generally thinking about buying my mom a puppy. It’ll have to do as a substitute grandchild since today I realized I really do hate, detest, and abhor every aspect of dating.

Mover over Dawson’s Creek, I have discovered Veronica Mars

March 18, 2007

My friend Amy (see Amy, that’s three times I’ve mentioned you now — you are a celebrity!) has been bugging me for a long time to watch this TV show about some high school girl who solves mysteries. I would have none of it because:
1. I don’t like mysteries, I like romance.
2. High school? Um, no.
3. I was involved in the Dawson’s Creek saga at the time and it was consuming my life.
4. The show was on the WB (now the CW) and I refuse to watch anything on that channel since they cancelled Buffy.

Well, I have become a home bound captive and at the mercy of my friends. Amy brought over season one of said show. Realizing I had nothing better to do, I popped in the first DVD and suddenly I became a fan of Veronica Mars. I’ve discovered that:
1. There is plenty of romance. Hellllooooo, Logan Echolls. Bad boy with a heart of gold and pecs that are hard as steel. Be still my heart.
2. High school in Neptune is not normal high school. Think the greatness of high school as portrayed in 90210 (aka the glory days of teen drama) without the mall bangs.
3. This love triangle beats the Dawson/Joey/Pacy love triangle any day. Plus, this one has lots of dead girlfriends to really spice it up.
4. The WB/CW/whatever they are called now is now showing The Pussycat Dolls: the Search for the next Doll. Or something like that. And it is in VM’s time slot while VM is on hiatus. Taking a show with a strong female character who has a brain, dresses well, and who has a great soundtrack playing to offset the pivotal moments of her life for a show that is one step down from porn and is adding nothing to society except more fodder for a teenage boy’s spank bank? Out comes the angry feminist side of me! Thus, I must support Veronica and her gang of spunky, well-dressed, and murder-ridden friends.

And I still have not mentioned that the show is probably one of most well written shows I’ve ever seen. It’s right after Sex and the City, in my always-right opinion. And Kristen Bell (aka Veronica) is hot. Seriously hot. As in, hot enough to make me become a lesbian. As in, is she human? Now that’s a show I’m not deleting from my TiVo.


March 18, 2007

At the Place of Lawyerly Things, we have this internal weekly recognition where people who do good stuff get mentioned in an email that goes out to other people in the organization. Supposedly, it motivates the (slacker) people not mentioned to go bill more so they can be the Big Cheese. In some quirky act where the planets aligned just right and all other Lawyerly people where out on vacation so there was no competition, I was one of the people who was recognized this week. For the email that went out, I had to provide a symbol which represented myself and would express what type of person I am. Most people send in clip art of dollar signs or big number ones or cheesy stuff that brown noses with powers that be. Not me. No, I send a picture of a shoe. In fact, the shoe I was wearing that particular day. Which, I might add, they failed to mention in the email.

Notes from the Home bound

March 18, 2007

Not being allowed to drive really sucks. In fact, I don’t think the word “suck” totally captures just how awful it is. In a city which has awful public transportation (and I’m being generous with that description), relying on the love of my parents, the kindness of friends, and my good looks to get rides is a pain. I’m all about voting for the monorail. Did you hear that? VOTE FOR THE MONORAIL!!!!!!

My dad is taking me to work and I really appreciate it, since the bus ride from my house to the place where I do Lawyerly Things is just under two hours. Yep, usual driving time is about 15 minutes but COTA has the ability to really drag it out. In a week’s worth of early morning commuting with dad, I’ve found it’s really hard for me to be cheery and civil. Morning and I don’t mix as a rule and when I have medication in my system that demands I sleep for 20 hours at a time, my gneral morning attitude is even worse. Until now, I’ve never realized how much I hate talking to people before 11 a.m., even if they are related to me by blood and are doing me a huge favor. I really rely on that drive time to listen to my celebrity gossip on the radio, to pump up the music and let out my inner Britney Spears, and generally to inhale enough Diet Coke so I can talk to strangers without being too snarky. Plus, dad listens to books on tape and after he drops me off, he has his own drive to work and his drive home. During that time, he gets a few chapters ahead of what I last heard. I finally was on board with the book on tape he was listening to on Wednesday, but when I got in the car on Thursday, he had finished the book. I didn’t know who the murder was. Do you know how frustrating that is?!? Now I have no resolution to this stupid story and it is driving me crazy. If I could drive, I would go to the library myself and check out the darn tape so I could listen for ten minutes and know who killed Suzy. Grrr.

I’ve also realized that the inability to drive is putting a damper on my love life. Imagine the conversation, “Hello, Mr. First Date. This is my mother. She drove me. I’m looking forward to dinner.” That will go over well. Plus, my mom will know every single detail of my love life and I will have to relive this six month window of dating fiascoes until I finally provide her with a grandchild or I die, whichever comes sooner.

My social life, my ability to randomly go grab something from the store, my gym time…It has all taken a plunge. Well, who am I kidding? I go to the gym now just as much as I did when I could drive. But the option is gone, and that’s what matters.

As soon as I get car privileges back, I am taking a road trip. Just because I can.

Because she said I would

March 11, 2007

My friend Cindy sent me an email today that was one of those “meme” things. Usually, I don’t respond in a timely manner to those emails. Who really wants to know that I like ravioli? But, I felt obligated to post my answers because Cindy listed me in the “people who might actually respond” section and that’s never happened to me before. Nobody has listed me EVER and now I feel special. Let me also point out that I’ve been sleeping an obscene amount due to my fabulous new medication, but because Cindy has instilled this glowy, warm feeling, I now feel that in the four hours in which I actually will function today, I must prioritize this posting above the need to shower or even pee. If somebody has that kind of faith in me, who am I to let them down? So without further ado, here are four things Cindy never new about me…

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. The dry cleaning girl — the one who takes the smelly, dirty, icky clothes and has to tag them and check the pockets and put them in bags. And no, it is not acceptable to bring vomited upon clothes to the dry cleaner. And no, if 16 cents all in pennies if left in the pocket, the dry cleaner doesn’t bag it up special for you and give it back.
2. House sitter — I love your two dogs that are the size of small tanks and aren’t trained and run at the pace of an Olympic hurdler. I love them so much that I will never house sit for them again, not even for payment on par with the gross domestic profit of Uganda.
3. Waitress at Chili’s when the rib song and Austin Powers came out– I’ve heard the “Baby back rib” song before. Yeah, somebody else sang their order ten minutes ago. You are not special or funny, you are only making me want to spit in your extra, extra, extra side of super-spicy rib sauce.
4. Curb number painter — Ten bucks and I’ll spray stencil your house numbers on your curb. Because the City of Uppity Arlington mandates the numbers be there and I am undercutting the competition on price. Boohya!

Four places I have lived:
1. The Western Campus, Miami University — I wore a bra. Not a lot of the other girls did. This was novel for the sheltered, army brat that I was. Bad things didn’t happen if boobs roamed free? Well, besides sagging anyway. Wow!
2. Chez Parental — Free food, free laundry, free rent. And free inquiries about where I was last night at 10:00.
3. Detroit — I actually saw crack. And a prostitute. And a prostitute with crack. And she approached my car and was telling me what she would let me do to her. I never knew that was possible but I will take her word for it.
4. Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates — Yep, it is the answer to a commonly missed Jeopardy! question. And yes, it was hot.

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Real World/Road Rules Challenge — Dramafest by the original dramanators!
2. Good Eats — Mr. Alton “I am sexy” Brown makes pouch cooking sound like an aphrodisiac
3. Sex and the City — TBS has edited it extensively, but the shoes are still good
4. Veronica Mars — Um, the CW took this off for a few months so we could find the next Pussycat Doll? They need another skank? Isn’t 15 enough?

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Florida — post-bar exam. I don’t remember a thing. My mind was still numb. Plus we drank a lot.
2, 3, and 4. Um, I think that is all.

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Anything in the carb family — because carbs are good.
2. Anything in the sugar family — I have a sweet tooth.
3. Anything in the chocolate family — bliss.
4. Anything in the martini family — liquid bliss.

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Someplace with mass transit — I would like to leave my house without my mom in tow.
2. Someplace with a hot man to call my own — because then I wouldn’t mind if I couldn’t leave my house.
3. Someplace where they sold designer shoes for very low prices — hello sample sale!
4. Someplace where New Kids on the Block were still cool — because I could sell all my fan stuff and actually get something for it.

Four Eyes

March 9, 2007

A few weeks ago, I went to the eye doctor. It was partially because I was overdue for an eye exam and partially as another aspect of the “figure out what the heck’s wrong with me campaign.” I came out with fresh boxes of contacts and an order in for new glasses. They came in while I was in the hospital and I am not sure if I like them now…

They look like this. Although this picture doesn’t really capture how black they look on my Casper-esque skin and how white the white edges actually are. Yes, they are saucy, but is that me? Sassy, yes, but saucy? Oh, and they cost me considerably more than the price listed here. Plus I really paid out the toosh for the lenses too. Vanity is not cheap! In order to get no-line bifocals that are plastic and UV protected and whatever else I get, I could have paid for twelve children in Uganda to eat for a month. But then again, I look saucy now. Who needs to eat when there is sauciness involved?


March 8, 2007

I’ve been avoiding blogging about this, really because I have an amazing capacity for denial and writing about it would make it a little too real. But, stuff has now moved past where I can bury myself in lawyerly things and on-line shopping and I find myself in “deal with it” mode. Since mid-December, I’ve been passing out and having trouble talking. Long story short, despite being proactive about seeking treatment, I still landed in the hospital for two days this week. Luckily, I now have a name to put with my medical problems and it really isn’t even a bad one. Looks like I will be able to control most of this with medication until it either goes away or until I get old and gray and am not able to talk or stand up anyway. But, while the doctor figures out which drug I should take and how much, I can’t drive. For three to six months at least. Suck-o. Welcome to being 12 again. Plus, the current drug du jour is making me sleepy and tired and I think somewhat narcoleptic. Needless to say, while I might have plenty of time to blog, I expect it will be spent curled in a ball on the bed dreaming about marrying Hans Solo. Where does that leave us, my dear Five Devoted Fans? I probably will be blogging sporadically at best and I won’t be checking my email so there is no point in sending me “why haven’t you blogged” hate mail. When life is in order and I’m not randomly falling/sleeping again, I plan on writing my heart out. I’m going to have plenty of fodder!

Ta ta for now…

One Year Blog-o-versary!

March 2, 2007

After one year, here are the pertinent details…

Blog Facts:
The look: changed twice, but still based on those provided by The System (tech stuff baffles me)
The name: the question remains unanswered
Hits: a lot
Fans: 7 (including my mother, my grandmother, and my best friend who I badger to go read every time I update)
Posts: enough to represent a substantial time suck
Topics: varied but largely related to random things I want to buy from the Internet. Oh, and Britney Spears pre-K-Fed

Blog Mistress Facts:
Lawyerly job: got a new one
Boyfriend: plus one, minus one, thus a wash
Cash flow: still substantially depleted due to shoes and martinis
Housing situation: improved, but still in need of on-site laundry facilities

Bionic Blog Facts:
Suicide attempts: five, arguably six
Partners in crime: down several fish, up one willing kitten accomplice
Miscellaneous mayhem: too much to document

The V-Day Game Plan, Part Two, or a pictorial of sorts

March 2, 2007

My grand plan for a Singles Valentine’s Day didn’t exactly work out. I was trapped indoors because of this:

But I shook it off. After all, the celebration of love goes beyond one day (plus having a snow day from work was a bonus) and since this was my event, I could enact a “weather delay.” Originally, I planned to just go with my flowers/shopping/eating plan on Thursday but work got in the way. Then there was the weekend, and then… Before I knew it, it was a week later and I was still trying to figure out how to appropriately honor Being Single on the Day of Love. Should I follow my original game plan but on a different day? Should I do something else? Bowling perhaps? It was a hard issue. After all, the expression of love is something that should be incorporated into everything we do anyway, so this had to be an extravaganza, an Excess of Love. And it could take many forms since the concept of love is so varied… There is love of that one special guy (in my case, it’s Heath Ledger), love of mankind (except when they are schmucks), love of God and His bounty (and God gaveth Chipotle and Diet Coke and I said, “Hallelujah! Praise God!”), and… There were so many possible ways to belatedly celebrate my V-Day singleness and darned if I knew what I was going to do, but then, my Big Boss told me I was going to Chicago for work. Bingo! I would stick to the original plan but change the location. It was perfect; there was tradition (flowers), feasting (dinner), and the next best thing to sex (shoe shopping, duh!) but in a nifty location I seldom get to visit.

Cue: Chicago, last Wednesday.

I went to eat at a swanky-ish restaurant in the Windy City. I couldn’t go too fancy (wearing jeans), I was working under a deadline (plane to catch), and had some mileage limitations (had to be within rolly-luggage bag rolling distance). Still, I managed to find this place that was not at my hotel and not at the airport and had a dinner menu at 3 p.m. That was as good as it was going to get given my situation. The restaurant was named after the Starlight Lounge (for those ignorant of mobster history, that’s the speakeasy Al Capone once frequented during prohibition) but this place wasn’t too starlighty–it was actually a hole in the wall with cheap beer and a goofy looking bouncer. But I accomplished one item on the V-Day Plan: eat.

Cue: Nordstroms (mecca of shoeaholics everywhere).

Next on the agenda was to shop. And oh baby, I did… I now refer to Exhibit A. Strappy, versatile (I can wear them with so many of my suits), and spunky. These are some darn cute shoes. Plus, they look feisty with fishnets. (although the picture angle here isn’t flattering)

Exhibit B: How could I resist? They are pinkish, that’s kind of like love-related, and thus on point with the theme of the evening. Tenuous, I know, but the cute factor makes up for the rest.

Exhibit C: This purchase is still in debate (in fact, votes on keeping it or not can be logged in the comment section) and might be returned to Nordstroms. I saw it,liked it and thought I better get it since I am very picky about purses. With my usual basic black purse once again in for an extended stay at the Kate Spade Purse Hospital, I’ve been on the look out. While it’s grown on me and I am starting to love it, is that enough?

Although, it looks beauteous in my hand…

That was the end of the shopping component and I had to run to grab my plane. Turns out I was there in plenty of time thanks to yet another air travel delay and so I was able to buy myself a flower/pen combo at the gift shop. It’s silk, it’s tacky, it’s blue and it lights up. I love it. Step three of the Valentine’s Day Extravaganza (re:flowers) and my celebration of Single Girl Love complete.

My World Has Shattered or the TLP ends

March 2, 2007

There is a rift in the greatness which was the popular (with me and ten other people) local band known as The Toledo Luggage Problem. Just as they were on the verge of rawk stardom, it seems the group has parted ways. I’m pretty upset about this. Why else will I ever go the the snazzy Dolphin Lounge? Granted, I might go just so I can see my peeing self reflected in the mirrored wall after I down a couple of $5 Coors Lights I can only pay cash for. But still, it won’t be the same without the TLP playing in the background.

And without the TLP, I won’t be an Official Groupie anymore. Heck, I’m not even a member of anything besides the Britney Spears Is A Wreck and I Love It Club. I’ve always wanted to say, “I was there for the beginning…” and I could when the TLP were still together. I never anticipated saying, “…and the end.” That just sucks. Really, I would have been fine with being on E! True Hollywood Story and talking about throwing undies at the guitarist and making google eyes at Jim the Teddy Bear Hunk. Dream quashed.

I know the fans are heartbroken but as with all things in life, we will eventually move on. Still, a little piece of my musical soul will forever be devoted to The Toledo Luggage Problem. And I’ll never think of “Stacy’s Mom” the same way again.