Archive for December, 2006

Meme I stole from Laina

December 28, 2006

So, I am supposed to pick a band/singer and answer the questions with song titles from that band/singer…

Artist/band: Madonna (because I worship her almost as much as a gay guy worships Cher)
Are you male or female: Material Girl (from Like a Virgin)
Describe Yourself: Ray of Light (from Ray of Light)
How do some people feel about you: Oh What a Circus (from Evita)
How do you feel about yourself: The Lady’s Got Potential (from Evita)
Describe where you want to be: La Isla Bonita (from True Blue)
Describe what you want to be: Something to Remember (from Something to Remember)
How you Live: Causing a Commotion (from Who’s that Girl) or Where’s the Party (from True Blue)
Describe how you love: Love Won’t Wait (an unreleased demo) or Love Song (Like a Prayer)
Share a few words of wisdom: Vogue and Hanky Panky (both from I’m Breathless)

The end!

And the love of random hosiery continues

December 28, 2006

At work, when I do lawyerly things, I wear black suits and fishnets. At home, where I don’t do lawyerly things, I wear hose with funky stripes and colors and patterns. I just bought some more because I loved them. But what will I wear them with? They are orange and boysenberry. Who puts those colors together?

Another Thing Santa Forgot to Bring Me

December 28, 2006

It’s educational and informative and has lots of pictures and helpful diagrams. It’s a field guide to meat!

Vacation! Or the public sanctioning of my sitting on my butt all day

December 28, 2006

Ha! I’m on vacation this week! And that means I don’t have to do anything. Well, besides forage for food and maybe use the potty because nature demands it. But showering remains optional and I intend to keep it so until Saturday.

Today’s agenda is action packed and will definitely contribute to the greater good of mankind. First, I plan to make a significant dent in the literary masterpiece, On the Way to the Wedding. Yeah, it’s a trashy romance. But Time Magazine calls it “Smart, funny,” so I’m totally justified in reading it. It’s the thrilling tale of Miss Hermione Watson and Gregory Bridgerton and Lady Lucinda Abernathy and the love triangle that ensues when Greg is engaged to Hermione and really loved Lucy, who is engaged to some other dude. Good times!

Later this afternoon, I will break out the oven mitts and kitten nail clippers and have a go at Bionic Kitty and Number Two’s claws. This is not a popular activity at The House of Katherine. Bionic Kitty is fat and squirmy, and has extremely sharp teeth and lock jaw, and gets her claws trimmed once a blue moon. Every time I clip her nails, I think I should be awarded the Purple Heart. I’ll come out of this with at least 18 scratch and teeth marks up and down my arms and lap and chest and she’ll get cat treats. Some thing’s not right here… Number Two isn’t as bad but she has extra fingers on each paw and thus extra nails to clip. It takes a much longer time to clip her nails because they grow funky due to her mitten paws. But, if I just give her the red rat toy to chew while I clip, she is generally all right. Sometimes we take a seventeen toe stretch and play with the giant orange boa thing before we continue.

Tonight I plan on watching Dr. McDreamy and Dr. McSteamy and drooling.

It’ll be a good day.

My Annual Holiday Bragfest List

December 28, 2006

Dear Six (or am I up to seven?) Loyal Readers:

Every year, my mother sends out Christmas cards and a holiday letter. After Christmas. And I’m my mother’s daughter (except for the shoe obsession and well-documented appreciation of lemontinis). So here I am, at almost 2 a.m., with the iTunes rawkin’ and Bionic Kitty trying to eat my sock, and I’m writing my Annual Holiday Bragfest List. Get excited!

Things I’ve accomplished in 2006 that are worth telling the world about:

1. I watched the entire Dawson’s Creek Saga and even read the accompanying Dawson’s Creek Scrapbook included as a special bonus with Season Six. I am not kidding about this.

2. I kept Bionic Kitty alive despite her repeated efforts to the contrary. As an added bonus, I paid the equivalent of a small African country’s annual revenue in vet bills.

3. I moved. Twice. My father has wisely invested in U-Haul stock.

4. I acquired Number Two — the only cat in existence that rivals me in gassyness.

5. I bought 15 new pairs of shoes. (That thunking sound is my mother keeling over.)

6. I discovered I like asparagus.

7. I loved and lost and threw spitballs at his picture when it all ended badly.

8. I snaked a drain. I am Handywoman! Hear me yell in triumph because I removed the blockage!

9. I (finally) completed the Great iPod Uploading Project of 2005. That would mean 27 years of music uploaded and stored in 22 gig and it’s all on the computer, darn it. Well, except for the Kenny G album that I didn’t know I had.

10. I confirmed that the Magic 8 Ball really does know everything. It does!

11. I ate spinach in the midst of the Ecoli outbreak because I was feeling feisty.

12. I got a job after I got reorganized out of my last Lawyerly Things job. The student loan people where happy about this.

13. I discovered the wonderfulness of hair metal.

14. I sang Coppa Cabana with my best friend. In a shopping mall.

15. I fished my fish out of the toilet (with a spoon because I could not find the net) right before I was about to flush him. He appeared to be suddenly swimming and I thought that maybe he wasn’t really dead, that it was a fish miracle or that I was just mistaken and he had been resting in the fish bowl. Well, no, he was really dead and I felt like an idiot.

16. I ate at all the new Chipotles I could find and concocted a master plan to get a lot of free burritos in 2007. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, and I dressed up like a Burrito, too.

17. I sweat to the Oldies.

18. I religiously followed the Rise and Fall of K-Fed and will now be an asset to any Trivial Pursuit team which must answer Britney Spears’ love life related questions for years to come.

19. I was officially referred to as a “groupie.”

20. I made it in once piece.

All in all, a brag-worthy year.

Cabin Adventure 2006! Or, Hot Tubs Are Fun

December 26, 2006

Every year my hodge-podged group of college buddies and I rent a cabin in the Hocking Hills and spend a weekend drinking, soaking in a hot tub, and generally engaging in mischievous acts. This is a big production spearheaded by two lovely friends who start scoping out cabins in October and start collecting money in November. They involve a third friend to be the enforcer on the money collection thing. he is imaginary and they call him Bubba. He performs his duties well…

Anyway, there is also a Food Committee with subcommittees like the Salad Sub-committee and the Katherine Will Bring Syrup Sub-sub-breakfast-committee. Oh, and I can’t forget to mention the all important Keg Committee. The keg purchase is always difficult as some people like fine beers like Guinness or things that cost $2 bajillion a keg. Others (like me) are happy with Natti Light. After all, if we are all drinking like we ought on this Cabin Adventure, we won’t taste a thing and can buy more because Natti is so cheap.

There really weren’t any good stories (that I can share) from this years expedition in the semi-wilderness. I did successfully manage to irk a couple of friends, and I am still humbly apologizing. (this is me, once again, apologizing, darn it) We also watched Elf. It’s a good movie, darn it.

Anyway, here are some of the pictures…

Jenna and Chris eat cookies and play Euchre, for the 891,657,616,579,846,498th time.

Greg and Jenna and more cards. Notice Jenna is smiling. She must be liking the Natti.

Poker! And John looks disgusted because he has not taken every body’s money yet.

John’s self portrait. Um, he definitely helped cash the keg by this point.

Look at all those hot chicks in the hot tub. Oh, and Greg’s there, too.

Jenna, Rob and Laura on Saturday morning, er, afternoon. Please excuse Laura’s sweatshirt. We love her, even if she sometimes wears sweatshirts produced by the enemy.

Chris shows us his beer gut that has developed in the last hour.

Cathy finds something very funny.

Watching Elf.

Kelly, Katherine, Jenna and Laura upon arrival, while the men carry in the heavy stuff.

General picture.

Rob.

A cannon full of tequila! All the way from Mexico! And other assorted beverages.

Chris with the original Cabin Adventure cup which he has saved and brought on each trip because he is cool like dat.

The Next Day

December 26, 2006

Oh my God.

That’s all there is to say to sum that up…


Debi and Katherine Do Martinis

December 26, 2006

Are you ready for some drunk bologging? Yeah? Yeah!!!!

Kate and Debi celebarte the holiday. Debi is Jewish but she styill can celberate. We arent allowed to talk about small penisis. Is that hte correct plural? Regardless, I am not allowe dto talk about it.

Debi says: Ok, hi, I’m ptying. We called a lopt of appeeps tonight. If you were 0ne of thjem, soory, I can’t ype. Nate isawesome. John should con e toi the NYA party. I will ROAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Kate: You are drunk and cant’ type. Worse than me. Happy Christ mas, myt fine jewesh friend.

Debi: I can dso mtype. You canteven spell Jwewish, you bitchch. AND tyou PUHNC HED ME!

kATE: i did not NOT TNOT NOT NOT punch you. It was a love tap. In the vicinity of your hgead. It was an accident and it did not involve my fist. And you laugjed/ So there. My mom is going to read this. I am in so much trouvkle.

Debi: HI MNRS JOPHNSONq!!!!1111111

kATE: i NEED TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK. iy id off now, but I think itali cs is on. Did you get a text message. Ben, that had better be you. Because Debi LOOOOOVVVVeeeeess you. Text message her, you fool!

Oh, and do you read myb log Benjamini? Because, really, you should.

Debi: benjamkini!@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tNT’S ASTAPM,WE!!!!!!!!!!

Kate: What is that suppopsed to be? I dont’ think yiou get any more martinis/ PS: yuour shirt is covered in carpet cleaner because yoiu spilled. Over yoru shirt and my carpte. So sad.

Debi: I only psilled because you hitme and and it hurt, you suck. Hwn ythe heate. Can we have more margartida please!!?!?!?!?

Kate: I DID NOT HIT YIOU FOR THE LOVE ALL THAT IS HOLY!! This is the birthdate of out lord Jesus and you are balshphemising and lying and saying i hit you whith the martini thing and i did no SUHC THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No wonder I loveyo uso much and you are my best friend. that Ashton Kutcher movie we are watghcing sucks. A lot. And FYI, I thin you are awesone. buit I did not think that Liam Neeson was hot in the last movie.

Debi: TYESA HE WAS! I heart Liam. I think we need more margaritas adnmd OI wish you would astop hitti\ng me. WHTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kate: It am not hitting you, for the love of God. Stop saying thjat. You ARE MEAN TO ME. Stop that pain. I don’t know hwy Ben hates uys. Yoiu just hit me. The cats arte looking at us funny. Stop hittingmy cats!!! They are fragile beings and only know love. Dude. They are too fast for you. Stop crawling down the stairs after them. No more marttyinis for you./

Tjhe end.

Bionic Poisioning, or where I use every synonym for puke that I know

December 13, 2006

Pet love must be measured in dollars and cents. That’s the only explanation for why I just spent a lot of money (by which I mean enough to pay for at least two and a half pairs of Jimmy Choos and maybe a martini thrown in for good measure) on Bionic Kitty’s recent vet run. I really think that cat is testing me. She must not have gotten over the arrival of Number Two yet and this is her revenge. Or maybe she just wants to see how much more bionicness I will pay for before I let her take her chances.

At some point the other night, it appears Bionic Kitty decided she needed a snack. Having three totally full food bowls available and recently having consumed a helping of cat treats just didn’t do it. Nope, she needed to eat the festive plant life. Perhaps as a digestive aid? Regardless, poinsettias are poisonous and Bionic Kitty was on a suicide mission. She apparently ate an entire plant: flower, stem, leaves, and some roots…

I had happily finished up season five of Dawson’s Crick (Joey/Dawson/Pacey continue their love triangle while simultaneously dating their other friends a la Melrose or perhaps early Guiding Light) and was on my way upstairs to go to bed. In what I can only describe as a disgusting experience for my toes, I learned that the steps had some kitty stomach fluid that was not in the kitty stomach to which it belonged. At that point, I pretty much freaked because I don’t deal with vomit, especially when I step in it. Let me repeat: I DO NOT deal with vomit. For me, cleaning it takes a mental exercise akin to convincing a woman that childbirth is on par with a hang nail. In fact, my number two criteria for a potential spouse (right after “does he make me laugh?” and above “can he deal with my mother?”) is his willingness to clean up any and all forms of stomach related sickness. Nope, I don’t do vomit. So it was pretty unfortunate for me when I noticed that one of my cats had been sick on my stairs. It became unfortunate for my neighbors when I realized she had been sick over my bed, my laundry hamper, my bathroom floor, my bath mat, my toilet, my shower stall, my desk, my office floor, my bedroom floor, the cat bed, the hallway, every door on the second floor including closet doors, and on my favorite black pumps. I think it was seeing the shoe casualty that made me start screaming hysterically…

Once I recovered from the trauma of a puke filled house, I noticed that Bionic Kitty was laying on the floor engaged in an episode of cat-projectile-vomiting. (I didn’t know they could do that.) She even let out the occasional meow that I now realize was a plea for her life. At that point, I knew the only way I was going to make the upchuck stop was if I called the vet. Normal Vet said this was dire, that I need to call the Super Special Emergency 24 Hour Vet. So I did and he told me to get the Bionic Barfer in STAT. “But um, she’s going to puke in my car,” I wailed. Long story short, it came down to the cleanliness of my car or my cat, and considering there was vomit involved, Bionic Kitty is darn lucky. I scarified 6 towels and every piece of bed linen I had to her cause. On the way out of the house, I noticed the poinsettia had been mauled.

It seems that poinsettias and cats with a tendency to eat stuff just aren’t the ideal combination. According to the vet, a poinsettia will probably kill a cat if they eat it and not many cats can forgo the holiday goodness represented by the poinsettia. It’s like the cat version of Christmas cookies, but laced with arsenic. But of course my cat did not die — oh no! She’s a Bionic based life form and thus she will survive anything if I’m willing to pay enough to keep her around.

After a night of Vet Fun and a serious depletion of the Shoe Dedicated Bank Account, I finally got to bring Bionic Kitty back to a house filled with cat vomit. However, Number Two had decided to munch on in the puke in our absence. My first reaction to this was along the lines of “yuck” but quickly became “call vet poison control in case of secondary poinsettia poisoning.” Seems Number Two is pretty hardy and suffered no ill effects from eating the stomach regurgitation, aside from especially bad breath and my gratitude for helping with the clean-up process.

Today I found some more poinsettia parts in my living room that Bionic must have stored away for a rainy day treat. Needless to say, they immediately joined the 6 rolls of paper towels used in Operation Sanitize in the big dumpster out back.

That cat is living on borrowed time. And the limit of my credit card.

Cleanliness is annoying

December 13, 2006

I’m currently sitting at Chez Parental waiting for the dryer to finish sucking the moisture out of my sheets. This lack of my own laundry machinery is getting to be a pain in the rear. Especially when I have a Bionic Kitty who decided to puke over everything I own, thus necessitating a mid-laundry cycle use of the Laundry Facilities at My Parents’ House. And now, after several hours, I’m sitting here having finished my US Weekly (high quality reading material that it is), with a dryer that’s slow and causing a drying back up. Waiting. Waaaiiiitttting. As much as I enjoy family bonding and all, it might be time to look into purchasing a washer and dryer…