Emerging From The Ether

At the beginning of the month I left the Place of Lawyerly Things for a spiffy new job. I was lured to this Utopia Of The Legal World by an teensy weensy pay bump, an office with an actual window and the prospect of increased management experience. The trade off was relinquishing all vodka consumption personal time and returning to 70 hour work weeks where my only form of communication with the Outside World consists of handing cash to the Chinese delivery man and flirting with the police officer conducting a wellness check that my mother requested after I didn’t return her 23 “are you live?” voicemails. It’s been three weeks of nonstop work and I’d hoped to be semi-work settled by now. The reality is I’m nowhere near and my continuous neglect of the day-to-day aspects of life is catching up with me.

The minutia of daily existence has fallen so far off my radar that this morning I realized I had no clean underwear. Except I still have the remnants of my college “I don’t like to do laundry” panty stash. In a pinch, I can go 37 days without having to wash knickers, and that’s not including the Sexy Occasion undies I hold in reserve. So today, Webbernets, I am wearing black lace butt floss with pink bows strategically placed in locations that aren’t very conducive to long bouts of sitting. If any of my employees suddenly want to reenact the Inappropriate Office Sex Scene from Disclosure, I’m ready. In the meantime, I’m learning how to subtly pick a wedgie.

The laundry isn’t the only thing that needs some attention. On my way to retrieve the first of my 12 daily, life-sustaining Diet Cokes, I walked by the litter box. At first, I thought Bionic Kitty had finally succeeded in her quest to make her poop a weapon of mass destruction. Then I realized it’s been an unacceptable amount of time since I’ve changed the litter. So long, in fact, that it might qualify as pet abuse. The Litter Situation explains Bionic Kitty’s recent bad behavior spree. Last night, she pushed my cell phone into the toilet; on Monday, I caught her nuzzling my prized Kate Spade clutch in a manner suggesting it was her next meal; and anytime I leave my laptop exposed on a table top, she begins to attack it with the fervor of Napoleon pulling out all the stops at Waterloo. Anyway, when I discovered my Cat Neglect, I immediately opened new Fresh Step and put out an entire bag of cat treats to assuage Bionic’s malice my guilt. Hopefully I’ve bought my possessions a Temporary Bionic Harassment reprieve.

But the worst thing I’ve neglected has been the blog. Because really, it’s cheaper than therapy. Plus, the number of emails and comments I’ve gotten, checking up on me, has been entirely unexpected. Apparently, my Seven Loyal Readers worry if I fall too far off the grid. At first I though it was cyber love. Then Stella told me it actually is because people like to laugh at me and that pretty much returned my ego to normal proportions. Regardless, I’ll do my best to keep the blog quasi-updated despite overwhelming amonts of Lawyerly Work. I vow to be better about work/life balance. And I’m actually going out this weekend. Really, I miss vodka.

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27 Responses to “Emerging From The Ether”

  1. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    Congratulations on not being dead! Now, go do laundry.

  2. Lemmonex Says:

    She lives! So glad you are alive, liking your new job (but I knew that which makes me feel special) and hopefully ready to come out more.

  3. Fiery Nuggets Says:

    I’m glad you’re back!

  4. Jen Says:

    Yay! You’ve been missed. Congrats on the new job.

  5. f.B Says:

    1. I thought I was the only person alive who read Disclosure. Wait. I probably still am. You linked to the movie. Nothing to see here. Moving along.

    2. Welcome back. And very cool to meet you last week.

  6. Shannon Says:

    Oh, this makes my day. Welcome back to the world of the living! Also: bikini bottoms work in a pinch.

  7. bethie Says:

    Pip pip! Glad you’re back!

  8. Pithy Says:

    no gonna lie: I’ve been suffering from Bionic Kitty withdrawal. Which is nothing compared to my KaterTot withdrawal.

  9. angela Says:

    Thank you. There’s been something missing and I couldn’t figure out what it was. Now I know it was the glorious tmi and self depreciating humor. Oh, and bionic kitty stories.

  10. flipflopsintherain Says:

    So am I a jackass for not checking in? Because I really was planning on it yesterday… I miss you and your vodka assumption.

  11. Cass Says:

    IT’S ABOUT GOT PEAS TIME! I was checking everyday like WTF!?!? Glad you’re back. So since you got the new job have you told the side hustle to kick rocks???

  12. LiLu Says:

    Saturday, miss. And I am holding you to that. Just bring your fabulous self.

  13. Kevin Says:

    Glad you’re still alive. Probably not as glad as your mom, but glad nonetheless. Congrats on the new gig, hopefully it’ll be as entertaining as your last. Your public anxiously awaits…

  14. Julianna Says:

    It looks like you have at least 13 loyal readers. I’m a long-time lurker (the eCrush Chronicles brought me in since I think I know who you’re talking about *cackle*) but the absence made me comment. Write more, write more I say! 🙂

  15. Jennifer E. Says:

    That tiny bit of a raise may need to go towards a laundry service!

    Sooooooo glad you’re back! I think I was getting the shakes from withdrawal.

    I could use some vodka, too. or even rum… I let my kid pick out some pina colada flavored juice at the grocery store, because I remembered how much Parrot Bay rum we had at home.

  16. Maxie Says:

    Sometimes when I run out of clean underwear I break out the ones from 8th grade.

    yea…

  17. lacochran Says:

    Congrats on the new job and surviving the new job! Welcome back!

  18. prettylittletangents Says:

    Oh, it IS cyber love. Welcome back! You’ve been missed.

  19. MAS Says:

    So glad you’re back! We Columbus girls have missed you.

  20. suz Says:

    Oh, good, you listened to your audience.

    Glad you’re…not dead…?

  21. Zandria Says:

    Well, it seems like you have an extremely good reason for not blogging! If I was working 70 hours a week I’d be ambivalent about writing, too. (Major congrats on the pay raise and office with a window. Very cool!)

  22. hopelessly devoted Says:

    Yes, welcome back. We couldn’t have cared less about missed you. Guess you must not have been able to blog from work for the past two weeks, eh? (What kind of “Utopia” doesn’t let you do that?) Perhaps you actually had to Support the Cast? Or, maybe you were supporting the Delta Farce?

    It could be Answer C: you just leading people on in melodramatic suspense.

    Yes, C. It’s always C!

  23. hopelessly devoted Says:

    C — Even with poor grammar!

  24. hopelessly devoted Says:

    Yes, welcome back. We couldn’t have cared less about missed you. Guess you must not have been able to blog from work for the past two weeks, eh? (What kind of “Utopia” doesn’t let you do that?) Perhaps you actually had to Support the Cast? Or, maybe you were supporting the Delta Farce?

    It could be Answer C: you’re just leading people on in melodramatic suspense.

    Yes, C. It’s always C!

  25. hopelessly devoted1 Says:

    I agree with hopelessly devoted.

    Yes, welcome back. We couldn’t have cared less about missed you. Guess you must not have been able to blog from work for the past two weeks, eh? (What kind of “Utopia” doesn’t let you do that?) Perhaps you actually had to Support the Cast? Or, maybe you were supporting the Delta Farce?

    It could be Answer C: you’re just leading people on in melodramatic suspense.

    Yes, C. It’s always C!

  26. A Says:

    Congrats on the new job!! Hopefully you’re new coworkers are blog-worthy a la the tampon hoarder!! Good luck 🙂

  27. Sarah Says:

    Glad you are back among the living….we missed you 🙂

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