Beauty School Drop Out

I’ve discovered an unexpected perk to red headedness: I get lots more phone numbers than I did as a blonde. But this ego biscuit comes at a high price. Literally. Every five weeks or so, I go visit Ty The ADD Afflicted Hairdresser and outlay an outrageous sum on dye and foils. Because that money would otherwise be allocated for vodka, I try to maintain the red for as long as possible. But inevitably, roots grow in, dye fades, and I’m back at the salon handing over the Gross Domestic Product of Uzbekistan.

In an effort to pump up my ailing Vodka Budget, I decided to invest in some red-friendly hair care products. I hoped salon-quality shampoo would save the red, increase the time between Ty Visits, and thereby allow for more drinking. Conceptually a win. But when I went to buy the fancy schmancy shampoo, I found it wasn’t as cheap as expected. After some intense internal debate, I finally rationalized it: while I would not be saving as much as I previously assumed, I would still be diverting cash away from Ty’s Luxury Boat Fund and towards alcohol. To me, alcohol equals vodka. Based on rough projections, I consume enough vodka on a biannual basis to employ an entire village of Siberian potato farmers. Yet the advent of the Sexy Red Head had caused budgetary concerns and thus a significant decrease in my drinkage. Ergo, some unfortunate Russians were back in the bread lines. But! But! If I bought the fancy shampoo, it would help reinstate my consumption status quo, reemploy the Ruskies, and thereby protect Russia’s Greatest National Treasure–vodka production. So, yeah, I bought the shampoo. I owed it to The Motherland.

The first day I used the Aveda, something wasn’t right. I couldn’t totally put my finger on it, but still, I knew my hair was different. After shampoo two, I realized the color was a bit more vibrant than it had been pre-wash; a gentle-fire-hydrant-red rather than auburn. Still, I wasn’t certain. It could have been the light or maybe I was imaging things. But with each progressive Aveda use, the color further mutated until the Sexy Red Head had become a Lush-Cherry-With-Pink-Overtones-Head. Eventually, even I admitted it. I had LIGHT PINK HAIR. Hoping it was not too noticeable, I stupidly kept using the shampoo (the vodka budget must be preserved!). Then, on Wednesday, three things occurred:

1. Gay Lawyerly Colleague told me he thought my “new punk-lite look” was very chic, that he hadn’t expected I could pull it off and he applauded me for daring to be an individual in the Land Of Black Suit Conformity.

2. The Homeless Guy Who Looks Vaguely Like An Asian Santa Claus asked me for change in the following manner, “Hey! Pink Lady! Give me some money or Daddy will take your T-Bird away.”

3. Wonder Admin told me I’d graduated from Greased Lightening to “full-out RuPaul.”

Screw the Russians. I’m seeing Ty The ADD Afflicted Hairdresser tomorrow.


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13 Responses to “Beauty School Drop Out”

  1. Nicky Says:

    At least your hair change was noticeable. My husband knew I had a hair appoint via the charge noted in the checkbook, and his response was, “Did you even go?”


  2. AnonaEsq Says:

    I feel your pain. As you are well aware the variation in my redness has been everything from strawberry blond to Ronald McDonald red. We won’t even go into the why once shouldn’t drink and dye incident.

    At least with pink hair, you won’t get the “Does the curtains match the carpet?” witticism that so many drunks believe to be the penultimate pick up line. Wait, in your case pink hair might just encourage that question even more often.

    The drunk and dye incident? Is is similar to my drink and wax incident?

  3. Laura Says:

    So if I’m blonde, and pick up their blonde shampoo, will that basically be the same as the dye job I’m too cheap to pay for?

    If you go red, I will hurt you. I love your hair.

  4. LiLu Says:

    I can totally see you pulling off pink. It’s perfect for Spring!

    Yup. And so is the Easter Bunny.

  5. Laina Says:

    Just look at people and say “So what? I’m still a rockstar!” 😉

    The ones with pink hair are all of the Jonas Brother cohort. Not my crowd.

  6. Raina Says:

    I actually continued to get speculation about whether or not the curtains matched the carpet, even when my hair was ELECTRIC BLUE. Mind you, they never asked me to my face; they asked my coworkers instead. But mind you, these were steelyard workers, and not the brightest group of men I have ever met.

    Of the many shades my hair has been, it was red the least amount of time because of the horrible issue of fading to pink. Red fades out quicker than any color I have ever tried. You should check the bottle of that Aveda, and see if its one of those shampoos that has dye IN IT. I used to have a shampoo I used that did, and I feel like I remember it BEING Aveda. But I can’t remember.

    I have brunette hair that I dye myself a color that purports to be “crushed garnet” (Feria 41: Rich Mahogany) and it keeps its color fairly well. Mine being so dark helps that a lot, but I use shampoos that don’t purport to protect any particular color, but is supposed to be good for ALL colored hair. I actually use Pantene, which is cheap, and it works well for me.

    I had a roommate whose auburn hair was dyed for her by the folks at the Paul Mitchell school. Most of them are regular Paul Mitchell stylists who are there getting re-certified, but because its a school the rates are LOW. Her color was always gorgeous.

    They asked about Electric Blue? Seriously?

  7. emma Says:


    Pink hair can be a blast, but only if it’s what you’re actually going for.

    Good luck with the ADD dude, and please report back regarding the recovery.

    Ty’s reaction: What. Did. You. Do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!

    And then, as he was dying it, he kept mumbling about pink hair and silly people who don’t listen to their stylist.

  8. f.B Says:

    “take your T-Bird away..” The guy warned you with a Beach Boys’ line? I hope you told him to go back to Kokomo.

    Damn. I wasn’t that quick.

  9. Zandria Says:

    A salon shampoo caused that to happen? I’d demand a refund! 🙂

    Aveda. Stay away.

  10. Jennifer E. Says:

    But Frenchie, don’t we get to see a picture?

    Some things are not meant to be immortalized.

  11. Maxie Says:

    I’m VERY sad I didn’t get to see it in person.

    Pithy and Flipalicious saw the beginning stages. In fact, one of them referred to me as Avril over lunch. Should have recognized the sign.

  12. freckledk Says:

    Red fades so quickly.

    As to caring for the color, you should probably only use that shampoo once a week. And do a glossing treatment every week or so (I’ll email you). I shampoo my hair every other day but, because I always wake up with serious bedhead, I do a conditioning rinse on it in the shower every morning, shampoo or no shampoo.

    I’ve always wondered about the non-shampooing technique. For vodka, I’d be willing to try a week of minimal shampooing…

  13. Laina Says:

    I was referring to PINK, not the Jonas Brothers crowd. 😛

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