Today’s Metro Lesson: Where A Granny Saves Me From A Roving Hand

Apparently, Metro was fulfilling its monthly derailment quota this morning. And, in a tale that’s beginning to feel old as time, the Orange was once again causing Commuter Headaches. As all savvy members of the Ridership know, issues on the Orange mean spillover delays on the Blue. With O-trains sharing rails and both lines behind schedule, by the time I arrived in Rosslyn, enough people were huddled on the platform to overpopulate Antarctica. It took five trains, 20 minutes and some aggressive elbowing before I was able to wedge myself onto a Blue. And by wedge, I mean I took down a woman with a mid-sized child, tunneled between two sets of legs and, once on the actual train, vice gripped my butt muscles, thereby creating the extra millimeter of space needed for the door to close behind me.

I’ve accepted that when a train car is super-sardined, there will be some inappropriate touching. Generally one person shifts, and their hand inadvertently gropes the innocent commuter standing next to them. Or there’s the occasional dry hump as a rider reaches for a distant handhold. But today, amidst all the accidental foreplay, I encountered somebody who thought overcrowding was a license to molest. As I listened to my God Help Me Have Patience playlist, I felt a hand go into my open coat. Initially, I thought it was an unintentional boob-brush. Except the hand stayed. And stayed. Until I realized this was no hand misplacement, but a targeted Bags ‘O’ Fun grab. I was appalled. Some pervie stranger thought it was acceptable to feel me up on the Metro? Oh hells, no!

Me (irate, but still whispering because of the sacred Metro Code Of Silence): Excuse me! Would you please release my boob? That does not belong to you!

Pervie Guy (playing dumb): Are you talking to me?

Me (deciding I don’t have to be polite to the pseudo-accidental boob grabber): It looks like the hand on my chest is attached to your arm, which would indicate that yes, I am indeed talking to you. Fair warning: I’m very anti-men right now. I recommend you let go of my breast before some of my ex-boyfriend issues displace.

And that’s when another hand came from nowhere, straight towards my ta-ta. But instead of copping a feel, the hand diverted and smacked Pervie Guy’s wrist. I looked over to find a schlumpy granny glaring at the boob rapist.

Schlumpy Granny (in that prim I-am-disgusted voice only the Over 80s can do): Want to grab some tittie, son? Well, go for mine. It’s been awhile and I assure you I wouldn’t mind. Otherwise, hands to yourself.

That? Was almost enough to make the molestation worth it.


20 Responses to “Today’s Metro Lesson: Where A Granny Saves Me From A Roving Hand”

  1. f.B Says:

    “Are you talking to me?”

    As if common practice is to guess wrong about groping.

    Well, I don’t know about you, but I mess that up at least weekly.

  2. PQ Says:

    Reason #1984 I am not looking forward to commuting via train when I move into the city.

    But Granny’s got balls!

    Come on, what else do you get to tell the folks back home about, if not Metro Adventures?

  3. [F]oxymoron Says:

    I’d by that grandma-ma some booze or medication. Awesome story.

    She seemed like the gin type…

  4. Jennifer E. Says:

    Go! Go! Granny Attitude!

    I was waiting for her to whack him with her bag…

  5. Brett Says:

    Minus the molestation, that is such an awesome story.

  6. Tabitha Says:

    Oh my gosh…brilliant. I can’t even believe that! Way to go Granny!

  7. emma Says:

    I think you should adopt that grandma as your public transit companion.

  8. AnonaEsq Says:

    Hard to imagine Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be riding the Blue, but you’ve got to be impressed by the old girl’s moxie. Wait maybe it was Scalia in drag.

  9. Melissa Says:

    I think it is a crime that your life is not a tv show. It is kind of like Seinfield. I’m sorry you were molested.

  10. Zandria Says:

    You are absolutely awesome and never allowed to NOT take the Metro. 🙂

  11. rahree Says:

    Granny ROCKS MY WORLD. That’s awesome!!!

    Rockin’ Grannies = 1 : Skeevy Perverts = 0

  12. ella Says:

    maybe i should hire granny as my bodyguard when i make it up to d.c.?

  13. Laina Says:

    She just single handedly made me revise my opinion of old people.

  14. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    That’s awesome! (And, just for clarity: gramma, not the boob grabbing).

    I found my Old Lady Icon.

  15. charlotteharris Says:

    I NEVER get groped on the Metro – should I feel left out?
    What a sassy Granny – I hope I grow up to be like that some day!

    Next time we’re on the Metro, I’ll grope ya. How’s that?

  16. JFo Says:

    Glad to hear that Granny was able to save hilarity from the jaws (or maybe hand) of trauma. Was there a split second when you saw the second hand coming closer when you thought that the Metro gods were punishing you for breaking the code of silence by declaring open season on your chestal region?

    There are times when codes must be broken for the greater good. If that led to another boob grab, I’d suffer.

  17. Hannah Says:

    OMG! What a loser! Thank God for grandma!
    Next time, though you might want to consider doing this to that jerk:

    Pft! ❤

  18. freckledk Says:

    You seriously need a camera crew to start following you around. Your life is reality TV GOLD!

    There is so much more that I don’t write about…

  19. suz Says:

    Oh, I want to grow up to be her.

    Also, ew.

    You are so on the path.

  20. Jen Says:

    that’s fabulously hilarious! Grannys are awesome! And it puts to mind the sad fact that in 60 years from now, the grannies of that day will be the hoochies of this day, and so will probably be into the whole metro-grope-fest thing.

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