The Snow Day That Wasn’t

Yesterday, sometime in the mid-afternoon, I became aware of the “Megastorm” (The Weather Channel’s word, not mine) that was barreling towards the Greater DC Metro area. I’ve seen this city’s hysterical reaction to .002 inches of snow and based on that, I was pretty sure four to nine inches was meteorological code for Armageddon. This over-reaction to snow has always struck me as strange. I’m from Ohio, where the approach to bad weather is similar to the Eskimo’s: layer up and strap on the snowshoes. But things are different in DC; the political reconfiguring of Congress and flurries cause equal levels of panic.

In anticipation of the “Blizzard” (Channel Four’s anticipatory description), I called a Lawyerly Place Colleague to clarify our closing policy. Generally, lawyers are like postal workers: only alien invasion, and possibly a nuclear strike, will keep them from performing their jobs. At best, I thought “the biggest snowfall DC’s seen this decade” (Fox’s doomsday weather prediction) might garner a two hour delay. But Lawyerly Colleague told me Big Boss takes inclement weather seriously; that if the Feds closed, Lawyerly Place closed; and that four inches would shut down the national government faster than Newt Gingrich playing Budget Chicken. Basically, Lawyerly Colleague said, count on a day off working from home.

Confident that I was about to enjoy a three-day weekend, I came up with some Big Plans. Plan A involved trudging to McDonald’s, requisitioning a tray, and sledding down Rosslyn’s various hills. In the event that I couldn’t acquire a sled-substitute, there were Plans B and C. One involved spending the day in bed, engaging in my secret shame (aka rereading the Twilight books) and only getting up for potty breaks and to pay the Chinese Delivery Guy. The other plan was basically me, enjoying the forced hibernation from the comfort of my couch. Extrapolating from the TV viewing and caffeine consumption habits of my recent illness, and taking into account that a snow day would not require nearly as many life-sustaining naps, I figured my house was stocked with enough Diet Coke, Michael “Yummy” Rosenbaum-filled DVDs, and Thin Mints to last until Thursday. Regardless of what I actually did with my snow day, I knew it was going to be awesome. So, I went to bed, hoping the weather people weren’t once again big fat liars and that the Storm of the Century (WUSA 9’s rosy forecast) would actually materialize.

This morning, when I looked outside, there was snow. But it didn’t look like any “overnight whiteout conditions” (StormWatch 7’s weather prophecy) had occurred. In fact, I could still see patches of pavement. My Inner Snow Bunny demanded I double check the TV and on-line. Sure enough, the stupid Federal Government was open and the majority of the snowfall had hit east of the city. DC got enough snow to cause commuting delays and up the chances that I will slip and die, but not enough to spiral the city into a bona fide Weather Panic. And just in case dashing my hot chocolate and Snuggie filled dreams wasn’t depressing enough, I got text-attacked this morning:

Your snow boots are still at my apartment. On my way to work, I plan to locate a deserving homeless person and personally put them on his/her feet. Karma? eCrush

Does anybody know how to tell The Universe to go shove it?


29 Responses to “The Snow Day That Wasn’t”

  1. 16paws Says:

    uh, i don’t think you need to tell the universe to shove it, you need to tell ecrush to shove it, and tell him to lose your number.

    So, you’re pro-totally ignoring him?

  2. lyssabits Says:

    It’s not the universe but eCrush that needs to shove it. Thankfully you can achieve that quite easily by kicking him in the ass with your non-snow booted foot.

    I’m thinking snow down his pants would be fun…

  3. Katherine Says:

    PS, Or A Follow Up To My Post:

    After my inappropriate post about eCrush’s love of a certain anal accoutrement, we engaged in armistice talks. One of our peace terms was the return of any remaining personal items in the other’s possession. Accordingly, I mailed him his fancy toothbrush and assumed my belongings would likewise be FedExed back to me.

    But about three minutes ago, I got a call from eCrush, letting me know my snowboots and rainboots are no longer in his possession. Apparently, they have been donated to a homeless person somewhere between Logan Circle and K Street and eCrush’s text from this morning was not just an annoying “Good Morning” from a bitter ex-boyfriend. Rather, it his way for telling me he’s still pissed. I asked eCrush if he realized that his actions breached our personal Treaty of Versailles. eCrush’s response was a very flippant, “Yep.”

    So, I think I have two options. One, ignore him and hope he goes away. That’s the one my good sense is encouraging. But option two is so much more appealing… if snow accumulation permits, I could engage in a retaliatory snowball attack. He leaves work about 6ish. That gives me about five hours to plan his demise.

  4. suz Says:

    UGH! What a smarmy asshole! With 2 weeks left to my due date and hormones ablazing, I will gladly donate my right foot to his slutty fucking balls!

    Down girl. Don’t want you to fall in the snow!!

  5. lyssabits Says:

    Well, you could try for positive spin: this is an opportunity to buy newer, even cuter snow and rain boots.

    Very true.

    In lieu of a Snowball Assault, maybe I should just go buy myself some new footwear and send eCrush a bill…

  6. PQ Says:

    I had to drive out to DC to be at work at 7:30 for a stupid meeting this morning. As of 6:30, the main road leading from my house to 395 wasn’t plowed but I had to go. 395 was disgusting.

    After spending 4 hours at work, I’m working from home. I would’ve been happy just staying home all day but noooooooo.

    Stupid snow.

    I feel your pain. But more so. Because I was sliding down hills and to the Metro in Uggs. Which are not waterproof or meant to act as snow-friendly shoes.

  7. restaurant refugee Says:

    I am normally a “find the sliver lining” kinda guy. Normally I would have aligned myself with Lyssabits point and said “let’s go shopping.” On this occasion, however, I am ready to go and kick his madras short wearing, ugly dog walking, whorish ass.

    Um, they weren’t madras shorts. They were madras pants. Those extra inches of madras fabric = 8 million times more awful.

  8. deutlich Says:

    gah! i’m sorry you had to deal with work today. I called it in. then again – I live in Lorton…so the lack of snow plowing and uphill battle was slightly different for me.

    Eek! Lorton? Absolutely stay at home!!!

  9. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    What part of “Do Not Call/Text/IM” does eCrush not comprehend? The man is dumber than a box of nails (and that’s insulting to the nails.) Snowballing him is too good for him and would be lost on his pee-sized, Republican brain. He is not worthy of your time or attention. You’re taking the higher road and his inability to do so is just further evidence of how wrong this guy was for you. Just imagine the shenanigans he would have pulled if you’d stayed together. He doesn’t deserve your time, attention, or response. He’s an ass and asses have only one purpose (well, two, as the case may be for him): to be kicked to the curb (or butt plugged. Whichever.)


    Thank you for being my voice of reason. I seriously am tired of his BS.

  10. bethie Says:

    You can do better than a surprise snow attack. Remember, our first weapon is SURPRISE….wait till he’s no longer expecting it.

    Yeah, but snowballs are so fun and strangely fitting…

  11. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    Does he shop at my Bookstore? If he does, send me his photo and I can accidentally charge a few thousand bucks on his credit card when he goes to the register.

    He once bought a self-help book there…

  12. pithycomments Says:

    Here’s hoping eAsswipe gets a very painful case of anal warts.

    Ohhhh. Vicious.


  13. LiLu Says:

    I’m with Refugee. I say we build a snow fort outside his office building, make about 500 snowballs with rocks inside, and wait.

    I’ll bring the vodka to keep us warm.

  14. Stella Says:

    Is it possible eCrush got wind of your amazing date w/Wendy’s Boy and is predictably expressing his jealously in the most childish way possible?? Further, does he know you cleaned the toilet with his Sonicare? Because I’d sacrifice a couple pairs of boots for that satisfaction…

    That said, do we really need yet another piece of evidence that this guy is pathologically in need of your attention? WTF?? I’m almost beginning to feel sorry for WhoreSizeFour….

    I didn’t clean the toilet with the Sonicare. I cleaned the litter boxes. Several times. And it was SOOOOO worth it.

  15. Laura Says:

    My thoughts:
    He was trying to build his “political resume” (for an office from which he will undoubtedly have to resign due to a sex scandal in 20 years) and now will claim that he “donates to the homeless.”
    eDouche is nothing more than an A-hole. With plugs.

    I look forward to the day I can say, “I knew him when…” and it will be all smug and *wink wink*

  16. vvk Says:

    wait… isn’t donating your stuff to the homeless some form of theft? Or does accidentally leaving them at his place somehow make them his property?

    Finders, keepers…sorta.

  17. JFo Says:

    So, short-term reader, first time commenter.
    I bet the annals of history are littered with instances when it was much easier to replace footwear than dignity. Consider the loss of your boots a sacrifice well made. No need to spend more effort on it.

    Welcome, Ninth Loyal Reader!! As you will no doubt learn, I don’t have a lot of dignity and readily sacrifice it to pursue petty and vindictive interests. But in this case, as tempting as a snow battle may be, I am being the bigger person and just buying new boots.

  18. ella Says:

    or you could mail him something to the office in one of these:


  19. Jennifer E. Says:

    Think of it this way… Seeing as it’s March, and the stores are about to unveil their legal-to-wear-outdoors lingerie rub-it-in-the-fat-girl’s-face clothing line swimsuits, there are probably some REALLY GOOD DEALS on snow boots.

    Also, who in their right mind would piss off a lawyer? IN DC?!? But he’s proven again and again that he’s not IN his right mind, so…

    I’ve been shopping for some online but have yet to see any as cute as my lost pair. Sigh.

  20. Kim Says:

    You were going to “requisition” a tray from McDonalds? I love that!

    Well, were else does one get a tray?

  21. Sarah Says:

    I feel like we have given too much attention to eWhatever and not enough to the missing snow day! I am so sorry for your loss!!!!!

    Good point. I want a darn snow day, Universe!

  22. f.B Says:

    Ditto on loving the tray requisitioning. Though if you were caught leaving with the tray, and someone asked if “you’d like fries with that,” you’d have had to go back in and swing said tray.

    I’m thinking it could have fit under my coat.

  23. freckledk Says:

    I’ve totally got your back, but there’s a part of me that thinks you should go the “better person” route and cease any and all contact with him, including attacks of any kind. You can have faith that something deservedly awful will happen to him. It will. You don’t need to personally see to it. It’s almost sweeter if you don’t, I think.

    But, still, I’m happy to help you in ruining his life, should you choose to do so.

    Ah, that’s love…

  24. Laina Says:

    WTF? He’s retaliating against YOU? How does he not understand that his inability to keep his dick in his pants (AT LEAST TWICE!) is such a huge infraction that he deserves ANYTHING you dish out from now on? Not only is he a giant whore, he’s a complete and total emotional fuckwit douchebag. With bad hair. Horrific hair.

    Republican hair?

  25. Lyssabits Says:

    Hehehe, I join Laina in wondering why the hell the wronged party is being retaliated against by the wronger. Especially when the wronged party has a popular blog she can share all his secrets on. Clearly he really wants you to share more embarrassing stories or he would try to lay low!

    I think we’ve established that he’s a dipshit.

  26. Maxie Says:

    1) I need to know what happened friday night

    2) We got ZERO snow, but 30 minutes East of here got a shit ton. Suckas!

    1) It was fabulous. More to come if I have time tonight.

    2) Gah. I need to move.

  27. Laura Says:

    I think Laina put it best.

  28. Laina Says:

    It’s bad even for Republican hair.

  29. heartns0ul Says:

    Obviously, your post-ers have it in for eCrush. Poor guy. eCrushers worldwide can’t live without us, you know, although they try very hard to prove they can. Loved your post about snow. Very funny.

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