Wanted, Or An Advertisement of Sorts

Seeking 15 to 20 hench(wo)men for a Supervillian Conglomerate specializing in enslavement and/or eradication of the male species.

Acceptance into organization contingent on the following:

  • Willingness of applicant to wear association-approved costume. All uniforms must be sex-kitten in nature, include official supervillian logo, and be bullet/knife/ray gun-proof. Androgynous outfits will be considered on a case-by-case basis.
  • The flexible moral code of applicant.
  • A comprehensive and thorough demonstration of unwavering loyalty.
  • Ability to acquire new skills (i.e. the proper operation and utilization of proprietary equipment, like the Gender Equalizing Ray or the Genital Defixiator Beam).
  • Proficiency in hostage taking (must be able to tie knots that hold!), assorted megalomaniacal behaviors, and general reliability in pitched battle (possibly to the death).
  • Proven aptitude in Sinister Laugh or Monologuing At Inopportune Times about the End Of The World and/or General Injustice and/or “You Have Not Seen The Last Of Me.”

To apply, please send resume and cover letter highlighting all previous hench(wo)men experience; any capers foiled by a superhero/vigilante/personal nemesis; salary requirements; and reasons for joining an organized league of villainary. Applicants should be advised that priority will be given to candidates who exhibit the following:

  • Unique obsessions/powers/abilities which give rise to a distinctive alias/alter ego/persona. Also, the organization has a “no duplication of powers” policy.
  • General bitterness towards men. That of the “scorned woman” variety preferred.
  • Willingness to take orders from an Evil Genius and work as part of a team towards a shared goal of global mass destruction and mayhem. Lone-wolves welcome to apply in case of possible future contractor needs.
  • Connections to a corrupted government official, dishonest police chief, or rouge military general with nuke-access a plus.

The organization offers comprehensive medical and dental benefits, including coverage of hospital stays due to poisoning, melting by water, or return-to-true-form operations. No vision coverage is available, no matter how many eyes an applicant has. Also, please be advised that night vision goggles are an out-of-pocket expense.

The vacation policy is generous; however vacations are unpaid and any freelance villain activity undertaken during vacation/national holidays must be pre-approved by the organization.

A company-subsidized legal team and jail/prison/magical realm escape service are available for use by employees and their registered underlings.

Also, there is continued opportunity for career growth and outstanding promotion potential within the organization. However, any plots to overthrow/subvert/teleport to a distant galaxy the EvilGenius will be dealt with in a swift but still excruciating manner. Upon completion of the conglomerate’s new tele-cloaked headquarters, there will be interminable expansion potential due to the organization’s recent theft of a Top Secret Earth Shattering Threat Causing Machine from a subversive government agency. Further, the organization wishes to develop an Intergalactic Cosmic Invasion Unit in the near future.

Please be advised there is a constant, high turnover rate with regard to the position of right-hand-person to Evil Genius. The right-hand position requires great attention to detail and highly developed computer/technology knowledge. The job also involves a high risk of maiming, incarceration, incineration, impregnation, implantation, transportation to other dimensions and, possibly, death.

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19 Responses to “Wanted, Or An Advertisement of Sorts”

  1. PQ Says:

    I should automatically be accepted because I have a WMD In My Pants

    So your secret power is you make straight men gay via sexual interaction? Interesting… Do you have a moniker or logo you’re currently using? 🙂

  2. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    Um.

    Be wary…

  3. Laura Says:

    I officially submit The Child’s application. She makes bombs in her pants at least 3 times a day. And she can change colors while doing so…from a nice healthy peach, to red, to sometimes almost purple if she’s working really hard. AND, I’m fairly certain she’s perfecting her “super sonic voice.” Although, the trigger is a birdie, or kittie, so I’m not sure it could be directed towards evil purposes.

    Thank you for your recent application. We appreciate your interest in joining the malicious doings of the Supervillian Conglomerate. However, after a cursory review of your background, we’ve decided to pursue other candidates with more developed skill sets and an actual cache of male-centric bitterness. Should you hone your evil powers in the future, please feel to resubmit your CV.

  4. Maxie Says:

    I have no morals.

    Am I in?

    You were a given.

  5. SingleGirl Says:

    Dear Evil Genius:

    Please accept this comment as application for your open position as henchwoman. I am an ideal candidate for this position as my moral code is not so much flexible as non-existant. I have lived outside of the D.C. area for close to 15 years, including all 8 of the George W. years, giving me close observation of a corrupted government system. In addition, I know how to shoot a gun in heels. I look forward to your interview process.

    Thank you for your time and consideration,
    SingleGirl

    Your ability to shoot a gun in sexy footwear is highly developed and desirable skill. Please contact me so we can move forward in the interview process.

    Best,

    Evil Genius

  6. Wanted, Or An Advertisement of Sorts | Cat and Kitten Zone Blog Says:

    […] View original here: Wanted, Or An Advertisement of Sorts […]

  7. Lacey Says:

    But is there singing? When letters are sent to the rest of the party, do harmonizing western cowboys pop up to sing the letter?

    Cause… that’d be cool… and reference-y.

    Bad Horse!

  8. Life of a Student Says:

    Haha… very creative. Enjoyed reading your “want” ad (as a member of the male species).

    Because you said nice things, we will eradicate you last.

  9. Laina Says:

    I’m in. I already have an evil alter ego, Princess Passive Aggressive, who uses her power of “persuasion” to reduce men to apologetic heaps of guilt and shame for not remembering to take out the trash or noticing the quarter inch trim she got on her hair. I’d like to mention my mother as a reference on the flexible morality; after all, she’d be the first one to tell you that I’m a dirty whore and a big disappointment. Bitterness towards men a given, more of the “What makes you think you can do that to me, you bastard” variety than of the scorned woman variety, though.

    And I wouldn’t refer to myself as a “corrupt” public official, because I’m not, and even joking about it would impede future campaigns. However, I do have a badge and the ability to put the unworthy in jail, which I feel could be an asset, although only in a limited geographic area.

    And as much as I respect the Evil Genius, I feel compelled to warn Lacey that any singing should absolutely NOT be done by the Evil Genius. I have karaoked with her, and well, I’m just sayin’…

    Sincerely,
    The Hillbilly Princess

    I find your background intriguing and would like to explore it further. Please contact me ASAP. Also, please don’t disparage my singing. Karaoke was NOT my idea.

    Best,
    Evil Genius

  10. Supervillainess Application or What Alter Ego « Are You Really A Lawyer Says:

    […] A letter in reponse to “Wanted, Or and Adveritsment of Sorts” […]

  11. areyoureallyalawyer Says:

    Please follow the following link for my complete letter of intent:

    http://areyoureallyalawyer.wordpress.com/2009/02/20/supervillaness-application-or-what-alter-ego/

    I would like to schedule an interview. Please contact me at your earliest convenience so we might move on in the application process.

    Best,
    Evil Genius

  12. PQ Says:

    No logo at the moment but we can work on it.

    You’re in.

  13. LiLu Says:

    Dude, I’m totally in.

    It’s okay if I have a bf, right? He can bring us punch and cookies and stuff.

    Can we hide him in our secret lair, make him dress like Chuck Bass, and demand he add extra chocolate chips? If so, I will overlook that ding on your application.

  14. anonaesq Says:

    You have my resume already. Please note copious experience as a divorce attorney. We will however need to negotiate the sex kitten dress requirement. I’m more of a bitch than a pussy.

    Ha! Noted.

  15. urban bohemian Says:

    Having just finished reading a bunch of LSH issues, the “no duplication of powers” policy cracked me up.

    Sadly the purpose of your organization, while I empathize, is a bit at odds with my own. Enslavement, maybe, eradication… no. But no worries, I’ll just lead a crack team of stunningly dressed, devastatingly intelligent, alcohol-fueled queers to oppose your forces… on paper, anyway. We can cut an under the table deal for anyone that we “rescue”.

    I’m all about the back room deals and questionable alliances.

  16. Kevin Says:

    I already see the kink (so to speak) in your plan: You allowed LiLu and you let her bring B along, who we all know is the “bestest bf in the whole wide world.” Why do we know? Well, LiLu tells us almost every single day. Except last Thursday. That episode might go into the “merely adequate bf” category.

    Soon you and all of your lovely and powerful henchwomen will all be fighting over him (and he’ll be enjoying every moment of it, especially the hair pulling and clothes tearing) and you’ll forget about the rest of us. Such a depressing end for a criminal enterprise with such a promising concept.

    Don’t underestimate us…B might be tempting, but male-centric bitterness is even stronger. Muahahahahahaha.

  17. Kevin Says:

    In that case, here’s a couple of rules to follow as an Evil Overlord: http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

    A very instructional list!

  18. Phil Says:

    Please. All I have to do is throw a box of Whitman’s chocolates on the floor to distract you, then I’m gone.

    Without vodka, no dice.

  19. A 500 Post Tribute Song to the Author of Who Invented Roses « Are You Really A Lawyer Says:

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