The Annals of eCrush, Or The Blog Post My Parents And Assorted Relatives Should Not Read (Seriously)

Sometime between the beginning of the month and Saturday morning, I grew a conscience. The pesky thing kept me from over-sharing on the blog, and thus enacting a To The Death type campaign between eCrush and me. Plus, it saved my mom a heart attack and having to enact a parental-tag-team phone call to discuss “boundaries,” “maturity” and possibly “being out of the will.” Much to the disgust of assorted enablers friends, I drew a line in my ethical sandbox and stood firmly on the honorable side of it. At least, that was true until eCrush called me on Valentine’s Day.

Me (not really paying attention to who was calling, since I was much more interested in my gChat discussion of Joss “Please impregnate me in a deliciously naughty way” Whedon’s new television show): Hello?

eCrush (way too confident considering the genital maiming I threatened last time he called): Did you get my flowers?

Me (considering the pros of a new cell number): They went straight from the concierge desk into the garbage chute. When they hit bottom, they make a surprisingly loud thunking sound. Why are you calling? We’ve discussed this. What part of a Communication Cease And Deist do you not understand?

eCrush (mourning the demise of $150 in floral apology): It’s Valentine’s Day and I wanted to let you know I still love you and care about  you; that I’m so sorry —

Me (wishing cells phones were conducive to doing the Hang Up Slam Thing): You told me you didn’t want to be with me, among other reasons, because I was too unattractive and fat. You are no longer worth coming up with creatively mean names for. Stop calling. *And I forcefully pushed the off button*

My phone rang again. I enacted the Screen. A few minutes later, there was a message chirp.

eCrush (all High and Mighty in the voicemail): That was rude. Why are you acting this way? God, are you PMSing? This kind of behavior is why I am now dating (The Other Woman) —

That’s when I decided the message delete option was almost as fulfilling as a sleeve of Thin Mints, that morals were overrated and the vengeful tendencies of my ovaries should not be denied. Bring on Scorched Earth…

(ONE LAST WARNING TO MY MOM, DAD, AND ANY OTHER BLOOD RELATIONS WHO MAY STILL BE READING: I am serious, close the browser. Really. Go away! Hugs, Kate)

Sometime after the Frenzied New Partner Sex downgrades into I Now Know All Your Tricks Sex, a couple generally reaches the Comfort Stage. It’s a sexual holding pattern that comes and goes throughout the course of a relationship, and can occasionally act a warning sign that the Predetermined Menu is lurking. The Comfort Stage is defined by familiarity. Basically, the couple is secure enough to trust each other with their mutual sexual fantasies, but is still motivated enough to act them out. This phase is why women hang onto their Circa 1997 plaid skirts. It also explains the popularity of fuzzy leopard print handcuffs. Or in my case, why I now have a sex toy I don’t know what to do with.

One Saturday evening, eCrush had long since reached the finish line but I was lagging behind, still attempting to complete the race. It had been a night of seemingly endless wine and cheese consumption. I was drunk, recovering from a nasty bout of lactose intolerance and just wanted to see orgasm stars, make eCrush get me a glass of water, and pass out. Hoping to move things along, I suggested he grab an adult accoutrement from my goody drawer. My advice took a moment for him to process, thanks to his Pinot haze, but when he did, eCrush stopped his over-enthusiastic boob grab/finger duet thing, and gave me a look of utter horror. When sleep surpasses orgasm as a personal priority, I’m pretty sure that’s the onset of the Comfort Stage. I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing; it means the relationship is evolving, that the comfy granny nightgown will start making an appearance, and farting has become a competitive group activity instead of a stealth action. Yet, to eCrush, the onset of the Comfort Stage heralded A Big, Scary Manhood-Threatening Change. And introducing a vibrator into the mix was sort of like sending him a Hallmark card that read Ten Loving Suggestions On How To Better Utilize Your Boy Unit. Needless to say, I didn’t get much personal satisfaction that night.

Having an X-chromosome, and thus biologically predisposed to talk things out, I addressed the situation the next morning. My part of the conversation was very “I like to get my jollies, and I’m not opposed to mechanical assistance when needed.” eCrush’s was more of the silent, awkward blushing variety. The attempt to introduce my Republican boyfriend to PG-13 rated sex was not going well. I saw a rush Amazon delivery of The Joys Of Sex in my immediate future. Trying to ward off a lifetime of missionary, I asked eCrush if there was anything he’d ever been curious about, anything he’d ever wanted to try. I expected blind-folding or maybe a desire to break in the dining room table, but instead, I got a request for butt plugs.

Let’s be clear, Webbernets: my pooper is Exit Only. There was no way I was letting anybody astro up my glide. For all sexual purposes, I have no backdoor. So, while eCrush waited on one heck of a sexual limb, I mentally ran through eleventy seven different ways to express my reluctance, and rejected them all. There had to be some way to say, “Hell no! You aren’t shoving anything up my rear!” while still encouraging eCrush be more sexually adventurous. Except, I couldn’t find it. This was a quandary above even my analytic abilities; I needed outside help. So, I racked my brain, trying to devise some way to pause the conversation with eCrush until I could call an Emergency Girl Summit and get advice on proper butt plug denial etiquette.

Then, in a moment where I swear Heaven hand delivered me a Get Out Of Jail Free card, eCrush clarified. He wanted to be the butt plug recipient. In fact, over the years he had assembled a sort of Introduction To Anal Kit. eCrush had just never thought I’d be open to anything beyond vanilla sex, so he never mentioned it. Frankly, I was so relieved that my ass would remain a sacred zone, I probably would have agreed to anything short of hamsters or three-eyed midgets. If my boyfriend wanted me shove something up his tooshy, I would do it as long as there was a no-give-back guarantee. And that, boys and girls, was when I secretly realized the madras pants and pink Lilly shirts were the least of my problems.

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34 Responses to “The Annals of eCrush, Or The Blog Post My Parents And Assorted Relatives Should Not Read (Seriously)”

  1. bethie Says:

    Annals! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    Well played.

    There was a list that I wasn’t able to work in…

    How deep will your love go?
    In arrears…
    Plugged up.

    That sort of thing.

  2. SingleGirl Says:

    Wow, don’t you wish you could fulfill his butt plug pleasures now?! Although, my personal fave of this post is the fact that in one phone call he is saying “I still love you” and in the next text is saying “That’s why I am dating WhoreSizeFour.” Lastly, I’d like to nominate WhoreSizeFour as an official blog nickname.

    Even with this post, I still think you’re taking the high road. Well done.

    I adore WhoreSizeFour. Should I ever have to refer to her again, she’s been christened.

  3. Angela Says:

    Serves him right for calling again…

    Or twice.

  4. LiLu Says:

    I am so, SO glad you posted this. Viva la revenge, my darling!

    I’ll raise a glass…

  5. Lemmonex Says:

    Lovey, today, you are my hero.

    I am hearing Wind Beneath My Wings, Lem…

  6. michelle Says:

    wow!

    and i can’t believe he is telling you he’s sorry in one sentence and saying he’s dating someone else in the next…

    this is why i don’t get serious with anyone…

    I think my next venture into online dating with include the words “not manic and not madras-wearing.

  7. Jennifer E. Says:

    OMG HE IS SO GAY!

    I’d come up with something more clever, but a) I’m too busy laughing, and b) he doesn’t deserve it.

    Karma, while distinctly bitch-like, can also play in your favor. And girl, are you overdue some good karma for putting up with his a$$ (butt plugs & all).

    I’m ready to collect…

  8. vvk Says:

    Ugh… he is dumb.

    Also, don’t we all have an X-chromosome… you ladies just have two of them.

    Technicalities…

  9. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    The Committee is vindicated.

    COMPLETELY.

  10. Laina Says:

    Oh. My. God. That man needs to come out of the closet already. Just to verify how gay it is, I asked HHB if I could do that to him, and was given the stink eye and an emphatic “Oh HELL no.”

    http://www.leasticoulddo.com/comic/20090121

    Start here, and keep clicking next and read the whole storyline. Totally relevant.

    Ha!

  11. ImNobody Says:

    This makes me deliriously happy, and reminds me of the time I started referring to the Other Woman as “Little Betty Likes It In The Butt” …Your self-restraint and maturity is unparalleled. I can’t believe you kept it in that long.

    I shall now look skeptically at anyone potentially eCrush-ish, and judge him. For the butt plugs. Ha!

    Good on you.

    I kept it in because I was on the high road. Now, I’m on the medium road.

  12. Lyssabits Says:

    Ehhh… A lot of guys, straight guys, are into butt plugs and anal. I mean, there are reasons the strap-on was invented and it’s not just for lesbians. 😉 For all that the Christian Right likes to scream about how that’s an exit-only lane, as ordained by God, I’d like to hear them explain away the placement of the prostrate gland and its pleasurable sensation when stimulated through the backdoor. My husband is about as straight as they come; he wouldn’t be caught dead in Madras pants or pink shirts, he’s completely unrepentant in his love of girl-on-girl porn, but even he enjoys teh butt plug action.

    And I’m the first one to support sexual choices/interests. But coming from eCrush? It was sorta a holy shit moment.

    Still, if eCrush would be embarrassed by the interwebs knowing about his sexual proclivities, please, continue to over-share! Bwahaha.

    LOL. I love people who are pro-evil…

    Gotta say though, eCrush’s behavior is mind-boggling irrational here. Who sends the ex-girlfriend he cheated on flowers on Valentine’s Day except a dick who’s trying to rub it in? And if you’re dick enough to rub it in, don’t you sort of expect the girl to hang up on you? Who then calls BACK to leave a snarky message, and even attempts to blame justifiable behavior on PMS? (Unless he’s one of those asshole men who like to blame any womanly anger on PMS, coz it’s not possible they’re just being a douche bag or anything.)

    I’ve come to believe he’s irrational and possibly psychotic.

  13. Laura Says:

    Holy sh*t. Well, maybe not so holy.
    Call me. I’ll get in the car (no WAY I’m having this conversation in my parents’ house), and start driving the 270 loop. My car is already full of gas.

    Oh Sweet Baby Jesus…

    Would have called but I was out last night…

  14. News about Dating and related topics » Archive » The Annals of eCrush, Or The Blog Post My Parents And Assorted… Says:

    […] The Eyes have it placed an observative post today on The Annals of eCrush, Or The Blog Post My Parents And Assorted…Here’s a quick excerptWhy are you acting this way? God, are you PMSing? This kind of behavior is why I am now Bdating/B (The Other Woman) […]

  15. Megan Says:

    Seriously this is hilarious…and I agree, you are still taking the high road. He’s so not worth it…and if you still have the butt plug – you should totally mail it to him at the office.

    Now that is an idea…Especially because his secretary opens his mail…

  16. sofarleft Says:

    First, let me say how brave and awesome you are for posting this.

    kisses!

    Second, he is a complete moron for so many reasons, including, but not limited to:
    1) not realizing how fabu you are and doing everything humanly possible to worship the ground you walk on while he had the chance
    Maybe the next one will…
    2) DARING to judge your attractiveness, which is clearly so off the charts beautiful that someone as low as he is can not recognize it
    OK, now I love you.
    3) DUH…don’t tell someone with such a popular blog anything that can come back to bite (plug!) you in the ass!!! What an idiot.
    Ha! So true.

    Clear your mind of this loser and move on to someone who will love, appreciate, and play with you in the amazing ways you deserve!

    Lastly, I second the WhoreSizeFour motion. Let WS4 & eCreep slink off into the darkness together, and hopefully she won’t lose her watch up in there…

  17. emma Says:

    Keep very far away from eCrush. Just not worth it. I’m going to go pick my jaw up off the floor now.

    Hopefully this post will serve to end all communication. Because my asking, hang ups, and various bursts of post-breakup anger didn’t.

  18. Herb Says:

    I’m on a blogging posting/commenting break but I just had to stop in and say:

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    First, I don’t like your break. But thanks for violating it for the butt plug post.

  19. suz Says:

    Somehow eDouche is more gay than my openly semi-gay boyfriend.

    PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP!

    *snort* So, does that make him 3/4ths gay?

  20. Daniel Says:

    I think he lost his right to use “rude” at any of your actions to him based on the whole “being caught cheating” thing…. He pretty much lost the right to the word forever…..

  21. Laura Says:

    I’d also like to second the WhoreSize4 (WS4) name. : )

    And a nifty name abridgment!

  22. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    Your parents read this?!?!?!

    And my aunts, my grandmother, my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law-to-be, two of my uncles, and I suspect maybe a cousin.

    Yeah. I know.

  23. pithycomments Says:

    Here’s hoping that ePlug ends up being one of those stories we hear about in the news where the dude “experiments” and ends up in the ER w/ various kitchen appliances stuck up in his culo.

    WhoreSizeFour is made of the awesome. The name not the person. The person is made of skaaaaaank.

    The way he’s going, he’s destined to be the next Republican sex scandal…

  24. suicide_blond Says:

    seriously….if he signed the…”now legendary in my office- declaration of intent to commit”…

    i think you have a solid case…
    xoxo

    The case keeps building, actually. And “now legendary in your office?” Holly Fame, Batman!

  25. Stella Says:

    This is vindication in its highest form. I bow down…

    I no longer rue the day I mentioned this to you, Dear Enabler. Instead, I feel oddly liberated.

  26. I-66 Says:

    Does anyone out there in blogland have contact info for WS4? Because I think there’s something she should read…

    She’s lucky I don’t know where she lives/works/drinks. Very lucky.

  27. MTME, JD Says:

    Please God, please let this end up in The Express tomorrow.

    And please God, please let me be on the same car as e-Crush when he reads this.

    How will I know it’s him? He’ll be the one shitting out a butt plug.

    Sadly, he’s a pedestrian commuter. But that could leave to some interesting scenarios as well…

  28. I-66 Says:

    I’m friendly with an Express staffer or two. Just sayin’.

    Tempting…

  29. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    “She’s lucky I don’t know where she lives/works/drinks. Very lucky.”

    Want me to track her down?

    Also tempting…

  30. Toe Says:

    You should find WhoreSizeFour’s address and send her el plug de butt. Send a note to the effect: …for your gay boyfriend. Your note would be much clever though.

    Ewww… Butt plugs..he has some serious issues.

  31. freewheel Says:

    I’m guessing that while eCrush may feel humilitated by your post, he’s also grateful you didn’t post any pictures. 😉

    Undoubtedly…

  32. freckledk Says:

    You’re now my blog crush. I love you. Love you.

    Will you go w/me to the HH?

    LOL, if there’s vodka, I am in.

  33. Angellaa Says:

    Hmm, very cognitive post.
    Is this theme good unough for the Digg?

  34. Rachel Says:

    I just sort of stumbled over here, and found this awesome post. I don’t actually know you (Hi!) but this may be the best thing I’ve read in a long f’ing time. My alarm would have sounded when he balked at the vibrator. If someone is going to be climbing into my bed, you can bet they’ll meet my electric friends soon after. Good for you. He sounds like an asshole (and I can’t wait to go back and read the whole saga).

    Oooooohhh! A newbie! I wonder if I can come up with some sort of internet hazing for my Eighth Loyal Reader…

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