The Apparent Downside Of Going Green

(Two Days Ago)

Wonder Admin (all Declaratory): I think something’s wrong with my mee maw.

Me (mentally reviewing every interaction I’ve had with Wonder Admin, attempting to pinpoint when our relationship elevated to the type where personal gynecological issues can be discussed): *shocked silent*

Still Me (now struggling to find words that express concern yet remain within the bounds of Workplace Appropriate): Oh?

Wonder Admin (surpassing Over-Share): Yeah, it’s itchy. And every time I use the facilities, it feels like fire ants are spawning inside of me. It’s all very Aliens: The Mee Maw Version.

Me (praying I don’t have to morph into a Ninth Grade Health Teacher and explain about STDs, proper condom usage, and the drawbacks of random bar hookups to my 45-year-old secretary): Have you considered going to the gyno?

Wonder Admin (giving me her Extreme Exasperation Look and I instantly know my weekly filing won’t be done in retaliation for asking such an obvious question): Of course I have. I just wanted to see if this problem was specific to my mee maw or if it was more general in nature.

Me (mumbling, as Wonder Admin huffs out of my office): When did it become anatomically acceptable to refer to it as a mee maw?

(45 Minutes After That)

Wonder Admin (in a tone conveying that she has again established her superiority): I’ve done a verbal survey and every other woman on this floor has developed mee maw issues. Well, except you. You’re the lone holdout when it comes to providing that sort of information.

Me (wondering when mass over-sharing became de rigueur): Are you implying something is wrong with me simply because I am not burny and scratchy? Because I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to be status quo in the girly department.

Wonder Admin (not about to concede): I’m just saying you’re outside the floor’s mee maw norm. Think about that.

(An Hour Ago, When Wonder Admin Returned From The Gyno)

Wonder Admin (feeling it necessary to give me a Gynecological Update): Apparently, I’m allergic to our new environmentally-friendly toilet paper. I knew going Green was bad news. First it’s that shame-on-you email signature about unnecessary printing, then it’s the baristas at Starbucks making me feel guilty for not having a reusable cup, and now my mee maw is inflamed? This is me, officially Anti-Green. What’s opposite green on the color wheel? Because that’s what I am.

Me (as Wonder Admin flounces out, intent on a Mission Of Fury): Sucks to be Building Services right now…

(Very Recently Appeared In My Email)

To: everyfemaleemployee@ourlitigatorsarebetterthanyourlitigators.com

From: buildingservices@propertymanagementbehemoth.com

Subject: The lavatory toilet tissue

Dear Madame:

It has been brought to our attention that the building’s environmentally-friendly toilet tissue is causing an unpleasant bodily reaction amongst some of the building’s female population. We were previously unaware of this and are striving to correct the situation as soon as possible. Should you immediately require alternative tissue, please feel free to purchase a suitable toilet-safe product, retain your receipt and we will happily reimburse you. Please remember that paper hand towels are not suitable for toilet use.

Yours Respectfully,

Building Services

(As I Walked By Wonder Admin’s Desk)

Me (admiring): I see you work fast.

Wonder Admin (pointing to the wall behind her head, where there’s a spiffy new hand written sign):

Yes, This Is Where I Work.

We all have our issues....

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21 Responses to “The Apparent Downside Of Going Green”

  1. SingleGirl Says:

    I was totally waiting for you to reveal that “mee maw” is the name she uses for her stapler or mouse or some other type of office supply.

    No such luck.

  2. LiLu Says:

    MEE MAW. Now where was that when I was trying to think up words for the vag yesterday??

    You never asked. Otherwise, I would happily have supplied.

  3. rahree Says:

    That is horrifically awesome.

    By the way, I think you’ve totally obligated yourself to re-writing the Hee-Haw theme song with alternate lyrics. Please post them in time for Valentines Day.

    Demands, demands…

  4. lacochran Says:

    I’ve heard “MeeMaw” used in place of “Grandma” so I was totally expecting a different scenario from your opening line, there.

    Notice me refraining from pointing out that one could infer that you don’t use toilet paper.

    I didn’t say I was good at refraining.

    I USE TOILET PAPER PEOPLE! I just have a, um, more durable system.

  5. Herb Says:

    So this means that your mee-maw is Green?

    Apparently…At least until further notice…

  6. ketleonelover Says:

    Sometimes I wonder if you invent these people. But the photographic evidence confirmed that they do, in fact, exist. It astounds me, and my mee maw.

    Did I ever tell you about the courtesy tampons? Remind me to tell you about that…

  7. areyoureallyalawyer Says:

    (In Big Red Letters)

    WARNING: 8 out of 9 Mee Maw’s Experience Negative Side Effects with the use of Environmentally Friendly Toilet Paper. Green Toilet Paper may cause redness, itching, swelling or vaginal sores. Eco-friendly paper may cause hair loss or stunt hair growth. Continued use of Nature-friendly Toilet paper may cause a serious decline in natural sexual urges. If any of the above symptoms persist for more than a week, discontinue use of Green Brand Toilet Paper Product, return to the use of good ol’ Charmin, and call your grandmother for a home remedy for the itching.

    I am so going to do a warning ad for something now…

  8. I-66 Says:

    Or maybe you’re just afraid to pee at work? Hey, at least it’s not something on the toilet seats.

    No, I use the facilities. Regularly. Complete with wipe action and post-pee hand washing. Just so we’re all clear.

  9. Stella Says:

    Please blog about the courtesy tampons. I freaking love that story.

    And I’m with lacochran – my Inner Midwesterner instantly thought “Grandma”. Am I the only person who doesn’t know this vaginal colloquialism?

    I’ve never actually heard the colloquialism…And since I’m on a R-rated blog kick lately, that story might very well come up soon…

  10. Laina Says:

    Stella, I totally thought MeeMaw was a Grandma too. Definitely a Midwesterner thing. I can only imagine the fucked up convo that particular misunderstanding would have resulted in.

    I prefer the “Least I Could Do” term. “Warm. Wet. Inviting. Vagoo.” I’d rather call it that than something that reminds me of my grandma. I don’t want to think of her during sex.

    Thoughts of grandmother sex is perhaps worse than parental sex.

  11. sofarleft Says:

    Mee-Maw? Seriously? That’s pretty hilarious…

    One of my girlfriends calls it her “Environment” – certainly one would think that eco-friendly TP would be good for the “Environment”

    PS – I use eco-friendly TP with no ill effects – perhaps mid-west mee-maws are blessed by mother nature…

    I love “environment!” I’m adopting that.

  12. Jocelyn Says:

    Mee maw is possibly the most stupidly awesome euphemism for a vagina that I’ve ever heard.

    It’s right up there with “goldfish” for the male anatomy.

  13. AnonaEsq Says:

    I thought nature friendly toilet paper was recycling the Sears catalog.

    A MeeMaw is definitely a grandmother just like a PeePaw is a grandfather.

    Female anatomy is your girly bits, your hoohaw or as Oprah calls it, your vajayjay. I wonder the number of nicknames for female parts vs. the number of nicknames for male parts. The nicknames for male parts can’t include the male tendency to give his a specific name like Frank or Wendell or Chuck.

    I once knew somebody who named her stuff. And I named my boobies…

  14. ella Says:

    yeah, so i’m another one on the list that’s used the term Mee-Maw as “grandma” forever. Now I’ll never be able to look at her the same way again.

    I can see you calling your Mee-Maw and sort of suppressing a snort…

  15. suz Says:

    Yeah…I’m with the crew that thinks Mee Maw is another word from Grandma so that just totally weirded me out.

    Also not sure how I feel about burning vag stories at 8 AM.

    I imagine it’s a better wake up than Diet Coke…

  16. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    I was going to ask if she actually calls her vagina a mee-maw, and, apparently, she does.

    In all its glory…

  17. Maxie Says:

    SO horrible. And I thought my office was bad.

    p.s. are you coming to blogger happy hour friday?

    You should have seen the tussle when she was asked to take it down. And yes, I plan to…

  18. Emma James Says:

    My question is – why is this woman still working for you?

    And my question is — why wouldn’t she be???

  19. Zandria Says:

    Sometimes I think you MUST be making this stuff up… 🙂

    NOT IN MY MEE-MAW!!!???!!???

    Similar to Not In My Back Yard.

  20. A 500 Post Tribute Song to the Author of Who Invented Roses « Are You Really A Lawyer Says:

    […] bra shopping wonder whose minions hid under her […]

  21. Fallon Says:

    Shouldn’t it be N.I.M.M.M?

    I’m just saying … Wonder Admin should be aware of her acronyms.

    P.S. Love your blog.

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