A Valentine’s Day Gift Guide For The Bitter

Just because I’m generally shunning affairs of the heart doesn’t mean the rest of the world is. But on the off chance you too have recently been cheated on, left for (emotionally) dead and are consequently considering a lesbian lifestyle, I’d like to offer some help in surviving the upcoming holiday. Behold, the Gift Guide For The Bitter. Between this and a bottle of Ketle One, you’re set.

V is for Vodka T-shirt. Please, somebody buy me this. Size Large, to better accommodate by breasteses.

Never has a statement tee been so accurate.

Never has a statement tee been so accurate.

Pop Art. A four step process:

  1. Take a photo of yourself giving the one-fingered salute.
  2. Have it turned into a nifty Warhol-ish type masterpiece.
  3. Send to Ex with a pithy note.
  4. Consider it $130 well spent.
Similar to this, but with you and your middle finger.

Similar to this, but with you and your middle finger.

Drunk Dial Prevention. To ensure all post-breakup dignity remains intact.

The Condom Box. Because cigarette cases are passe.

The stainless steel case could double as a compact.

Buy the stainless steel case. It'll double as a compact.

STD Stuffed Animals. In fourth grade, there was the “I Love You” teddy bear. Think of this as the adult variety.

The Hallmark version of Chlamydia.

The Hallmark version of Chlamydia.

Bittersweet Conversation Hearts. Because I LUV U is out and CALL A 900# is in.

Chocolate Penis Mold. This is one you can use your teeth on.

Make yourself a treat.

Make yourself a treat. But be warned: once you go coca, you'll never go back.

A Pocket Rocket. The battery operated boyfriend. Better stock up on your triple A’s at the same time.

Monkey Business Surefire Compound Bow. Cupid has got nothing on you.

Ready? Aim? FIRE! Preferably towards the genitle region.

Ready? Aim? FIRE! Preferably towards his genitle region.

I’ve Moved On Card. It’s blank inside. If you write small, you could probably include all your helpful suggestions on how he could improve his bedroom performance.

You can writein "asshole" somewhere on the front.

Feel free to write in "asshole" somewhere on the front.

Dead Fred Pen Holder. Yeah, you could get the Voodoo Knife Block. But this lives in your cubicle, so you can jab with a bit more frequency.

It would only be better if it screamed each time you poked it with a ballpoint.

It would only be better if it screamed each time you poked it with a ballpoint.

Magic Date Ball. Will he get food poisoning? Will he have male pattern baldness? Will his dog die in an unexplainable Zip Car drive by?

Will he be in a tragic accident where he loses his balls?

Will he be in a tragic accident where he loses his balls?

Advertisements

15 Responses to “A Valentine’s Day Gift Guide For The Bitter”

  1. lacochran Says:

    Or download Urchins’ “I’d Like to See You”…

    I’d like to see you…
    I’d love to see you…
    Just one time before you go
    On the verge of letting go
    Of a 50-story building

    I’d like to be the one
    To lift your fingers, one by one
    To cause your bloody death below
    And then maybe you would know
    You treated me quite poorly

    I’d like to see you…
    I’d love to see you…
    I’d love to see your skin
    Falling from your face and limbs
    Boiling in oil

    (etc.)

    HA! Love it!

  2. Jennifer E. Says:

    Ouch, lacochran! I could have used that song many times in my life.

  3. Stella Says:

    Hilarious post. But seriously, don’t kid yourself. V-day is lame, even for the non-bitter. That said: a) I long for the day that the Virgin Mobile DD prevention program goes to scale and is offered by Verizon; b) I sort of want to buy the condom box; and c) there are some stellar Bitter Betty cards to be found on my fave, http://www.someecards.com.

    LOL. Is there any occasion, event, or happening for which you can’t find an appropriate card?

  4. suz Says:

    Hilarious. I found out today that my baby bro is sexually active. I think I might buy him an STD stuffed animal. You know…before he goes to college…sigh.

    Maybe he can put his new STD stuffed animal on his bed?

  5. LiLu Says:

    But Herpes is so CUTE! I want him! Uh, the stuffed animal version. … This is awkward.

    Personally, I was more pro-pox.

  6. prettylittletangents Says:

    Love this post! You found some awesome stuff – I especially love the “I moved on card” complete with burning bridge. How appropos.

    etsy is full of fabulous.

  7. ella Says:

    i’ve got the ketle one, all i need is the shirt. SCORE!

    They make the perfect combo.

  8. Herb Says:

    well I hope you felt better after writing this! Happy Vodka Day!

    Back attcha. Drink up!

  9. suicide_blond Says:

    ill wrestle you for that Tshirt…
    xoxo

    I’m bigger than you. I’ll win.

  10. Zandria Says:

    I’m really liking the look of that bow and arrow. I bet I could find some fun times with that…

    I consider it a multipurpose tool.

  11. ArchaicD Says:

    I think you should look and investing in this fine product:
    http://www.find-me-a-gift.co.uk/duck-with-a-dick.html

    It’ll be bath time fun…

    Oh my. A phallic duck.

  12. PrincessQ Says:

    I.Want.That.Shirt!!!

    HAPPY VODKA DAY!!!

    You know, I think we should all just get together and order.

  13. alexa - cleveland's a plum Says:

    i love this post! love this. that t-shirt is just fabulous i kind of want vodka right now. Saturday will be here before i know it.

    God help us all. Saturday…

  14. Leon Says:

    I don’t do Valentine’s day I do single awareness day.

    Do they make shirts for this event? I need one.

  15. valentine’s day lesbians – YouTube – Valentine’s Day! Says:

    […] A Valentine’s Day Gift Guide For The Bitter « Who Invented Roses […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: