An Open Letter To The Virus Currently Ravaging My Body

Dear Viscous and Malevolent Germs Giving Me A 101 Degree Fever, The Chills And Other Flu-Like Symptoms:

I know the doctor said there’s not much I can do besides wait you out, but Germs, I am asking nicely. Please go away. Four days is much too long to suffer, especially since I ran out of Kleenex yesterday and later made the unfortunate discovery that I am also down to my last roll of toilet paper. Let me tell you, this lack of tissue is now a Freaking Dire Situation. It’s difficult to ration squares when nose-blowing occurs twice every nanosecond. Thank God I am dehydrated, or I’d have real problems… For about five minutes this morning, I thought about going to the grocery store to restock my supply of tissue (and OJ, Diet Coke and soup, which I ran out of during day one of your Occupation Of My Feeble Body). But just taking a courtesy shower for my doctor’s visit exhausted me. The thought of walking the block from Soviet Safeway to Chez Apartment was enough to make my exhausted body go temporarily catatonic.

Plus, Germs, I think my house smells. Not that I’d know for sure, since you’re building a snot reproduction of the Great Wall of China inside my sinuses and I no longer have the ability to detect odors. But based on the pizza delivery man’s facial expression yesterday, I’m pretty sure things are pungent. Then again, he might have been reacting to me. I know I was brining sexy back in my 1997 Tahiti Sweetie sorority shirt sans bra, hole-ridden sweatpants, and three-day-old bed head but that’s no reason to look at me like I’m the smelly love child of Gary Busey and Courtney Love. After I ordered pizza, I did put on some deodorant, but I suspect it might have been too little, too late. Secret can only do so much against three days of body stink, even if it is clinical strength.

But, Evil Germs, the real reason you must go is that there is nothing to watch on daytime television besides Passions reruns and the bitchtacular ladies of The View. Over the weekend,  I watched an entire season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, broken up by occasional HBO, QVC and a few naps. I’ve reached my continuos-Buffy-watching tolerance limit. If I persist in my current semi-vegetive state, boredom might drive me to rewatch Mama Mia! Pierce Brosnan’s singing and those guys dancing in flippers are not compatible with my current fever delirium. 

Yours in Germ Misery,



12 Responses to “An Open Letter To The Virus Currently Ravaging My Body”

  1. PrincessQ Says:

    Those germs are persistent little fuckers aren’t they?

    I’m sorry…I hope you feel better soon!!!

    I suggest febreezing the house, and yourself…in case you order food again.

  2. I-66 Says:

    Calling one’s self the smelly love child of Gary Busey and Courtney Love is just a tad redundant, methinks.

  3. Herb Says:

    sorry pookie you aren’t feeling well. Get better soon!

  4. LiLu Says:

    Let me know if you need anything… I make a mean grilled-cheese-and-tomato-soup.

  5. Fiery Nuggets Says:

    I too live just a block from the Soviet Safeway and often contemplate whether or not it would be better to walk just to the 7-11, which is half a block closer. Being urban can mean being incredibly lazy.

  6. laura Says:

    You can buy pretty much anything on Amazon. And you can pay extra for overnight delivery.
    Desperate times call for desperate measures. Just saying.

    Feel better soon!

  7. emma Says:

    I’m so utterly impressed that you clearly have not lost one iota of your humor! Hope you feel better soon but thank you for providing a belly laugh in the midst of your misery…

  8. suz Says:

    I hope you feel better soon! Seriously, when QVC enters the picture, it’s time to get better.

  9. Jennifer E. Says:

    You poor dear! When you feel better, make sure you stockpile such sick-day items as soup & juice, and check the stockpile each time you think of replenishing the emergency chocolate stash. Also, this goes to show my husband that I am justified in freaking out if I don’t have a whole package of toilet paper on hand, and several extra boxes of kleenex. *nodnod*

  10. Sarah Says:

    Feel better, hon!

  11. Leon Says:

    Ah mama mia isn’t so bad if you enjoy watching an old person one way romance!

  12. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    I’m in the same boat. I’m told moaning helps. Really, what I’d like is a gun to the head and one sweet bullet. But alas…

    Be well. And soon!

    P.S. If you get to the store before me, can you grab me some of that godawful Lipton’s chicken noodle soup in the envelopes with the reconstituted chicken? Thanks! As for your dwindling supply of TP and tissue, I have plenty of both. I’ll call a messenger and have some sent over ASAP.

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