Endings, Or The Last Of The eCrush Chronicles

Looking back at my Personal Dating Timeline, I realize there are distinct eras. But instead of Mesozoic and Jurassic, I have “Binge Dating: The College Years” and “The Great Law School Drought That Was Only Relieved By A Mediocre Sex Buddy And, Mercifully, Graduation.” There are also the men who have become the milestones of my dating history. The first shiny star was Russell Arnold, who married me under the monkey bars and sealed the deal with a saliva-heavy kiss placed half on my lips, half on my cheek. And there’s the guy I made out with on the back of the high school ski club bus. It was an awkward introduction to male genitalia and led to my shortest relationship on record. We clocked in 14 hours of coupledom before I dumped him, citing the classic “it’s not you, it’s me.” Over the years, the guys have been many and diverse but each interaction has taught me something. It’s been a string of important dating lessons, like pubic hair waxed into a star shape is a massive, red warning flag and that I like guys with a suppressed geek side.

It seems it’s time to officially add another dating era to the Timeline. The eCrush Chronicles have ended. It all went down in the wake of a girls’ night. After the last leg of our martini spree, I found myself a few blocks away from eCrush’s apartment and thought I’d take advantage of proximity for a booty visit. I taxied over and pulled out his apartment key. Many moons ago, when eCrush gifted me with that little piece of metal, I thought it represented more than the ability to physically get into his place. In my head, it meant he had nothing to hide; that our relationship was honest and trusting and transparent. I felt like he was essentially sharing everything. That was the point where I buried our past issues and began to trust him again. Little did I know that damn key didn’t just unlock his front door; it also opened Pandora’s Shit Box.

I made it about two steps in before I saw eCrush standing in his living room, sportin’ his birthday suit. There was something surreal about walking in on my boyfriend totally naked. His wanker suddenly looked less like a Pleasure Inducing Man Appendage and more like something awkwardly comical. I was trying to mentally adjust to eCrush’s nudist status, when I looked past him. A little further into the room, on his couch, was a woman wearing nothing but a tank top and butt-floss. Every single, solitary body-related insecurity I’ve ever had was suddenly embodied and magnified in her size four thighs. As I envied her skinniness, I knew there was no explaining this situation away. It couldn’t be like last time, when I gave into love and faith by accepting a far-fetched explanation for a mysterious pair of lacy panties. The Ghost of Underwear Past was literally sitting on eCrush’s couch, giving me the once over. In an instant, my dreams of being Mrs. eCrush and producing a handful of Republican eCrushletts were gone. At some point, I must have shifted my gaze and looked eCrush in the eye. That silent glance was the most profound conversation we ever had. It said everything. Without knowing what else to do, I fled. And as I sprinted towards the stairs, the Earth literally shifted. But it could also have been the force of me slamming the door. All in all, that was undoubtedly the longest two minutes of my life.

Since the unexpected nuclearization of my relationship, I keep examining every point on my Personal Dating Timeline and reliving every moment of my relationship with eCrush. It’s like rubbernecking at some tremendous accident, but the wreck is actually my life. I search for reasons to explain what happened with us, trolling for answers in each of our conversations and from the archives of my dating history. But after hours spent over analyzing and crying, I know there are none. Well, at least none beyond him being an overly horny fucking tard-faced jackass.

After the initial hysterical crying jag, the sudden and complete breakdown of our relationship has left me emotionally numb. I’ve been existing in a form of quasi-blissful emotional denial. My brain understands that it’s over, but all other types of comprehension are in deep freeze. The real legacy of eCrush will hit later, in the form of a walloping dose of neurosis that’ll take months of therapy and a heavy investment in Kleenex to resolve. Until then, I’m investigating the logistics of a drive-by Zipcarring at the dog park.

44 Responses to “Endings, Or The Last Of The eCrush Chronicles”

  1. SingleGirl Says:

    My dear, you are so lovely and have so much grace. So much.

    I, however, am short of grace. And if you still have that key, I am happy to destroy any material item he may value and then some. If you prefer the dog park scenario, I will drive.

    I’ll get him….and that little dog too.

    That Zipcar’s gonna be crowded…

  2. little sister Says:

    so are you going to post the you tube video of him dancing in his underwear now???

    OMG. You really do read my blog, Little Sister. And no, as tempting as it is. I want to exit this with as much class and dignity as possible. He doesn’t deserve it, but I do.

  3. areyoureallyalawyer Says:

    *Sigh* *hugs*

    Wish I was in your neck of the woods. It would be mutual margs. xo.

  4. Megan Says:

    So sorry to hear the news. He doesn’t deserve you anyway…I had this same thought the last time you took him back…

    My question is did he call, come after you, act like nothing happened what? If he did nothing then I say he deserves whatever he gets coming to him… So not to sound cliche…but I totally read the book “It’s called a break up because it’s broken” book after my ex of 4.5 years and I broke up a couple years back… it had just come out. Anyway…it helped. I hope you’re doing ok.

    There’s been communication. But it’s ceased.

  5. Shannon Says:

    Oh, ouch…I Facebooked my phone number to you, shoot me a text if you want some beer or chocolate or whatever.

    Responded. Thanks!!!

  6. Stella Says:

    First of all, one of the coolest things about you is your self-confidence, so fuck her and her size four (am I allowed to say fuck on here?). Second, I know lots of big muscley men who’d probably kick his scrawny Republican ass for the small price of a boob grab. Just say the word. What a dick.

    Fuck. Fuckity fuckity fuck. So, um, yes. And just a boob grab? That’s cheap!

  7. restaurantrefugee Says:

    Given your last ZipCar episode, you definitely want someone else to drive.

    My phone is always on, whatever I can give is yours, and you are always welcome to my Scotch.

    How do you think vodka tastes combined with scotch?

  8. Lyssabits Says:

    I just do not understand men like this. Booo, eCrush, boo! I do understand wanting to exit with some class, and clearly posting the video wouldn’t be classy.. but wasn’t there a clause in your agreement entitling you to his possessions? Surely merely exercising a previously agreed upon clause in that contract wouldn’t be class-less.. and then you’d get the fun of burning said possessions on his doorstep.

    Yeah, but there’s vindictiveness and then there’s vindictiveness. I’m wanting to stay on this side of the line…

  9. Girl in O-H Says:

    I gasped out loud for you.
    I’m sorry.

    First, I-O! And thanks.

  10. lacochran Says:

    “Well, at least none beyond him being an overly horny fucking tard-faced jackass.”

    Yeah, that sounds dead on.

    Sorry he’s such a fucking tard-faced jackass. As should be obvious to anyone who meets you, you deserve better.

    Thanks. You are a gem.

  11. I-66 Says:

    Back attcha.

  12. Angela Says:

    You blow me away with your candidness. It helps though. Puking the reality of it up a dozen times or so really does help process and recover from it all. Good luck.

    The blog is cheaper than therapy.Thus, the over share.

  13. LiLu Says:

    You are brave for putting it out here, lady. As I said, I’m here if you need anything. And thanks to our mutual insomnia, that means you owe me a 2am call of Destruction and Detroyedness…

    Cash it in anytime, love. I heart you, Katertot.

    There might be a call in your future. Entirely possible.

  14. urban bohemian Says:

    I’m with SingleGirl, you are far too fun and fabulous to deal with that kind of crap.

    I’m also with her on the whole, leave us the key, walk away and ask no questions.

    Key’s on my coffee table.

  15. bethie Says:

    Just remember, he’s gay for his dog anyway. You don’t need that!

    Big hugs to you!!! And a punch in the neocon balls to him.

    When I read “he’s gay for his dog anyway,” I snorted. And then later, I got an email from Stella demanding we become BFFs because it was so funny.

  16. ella Says:

    i know i’m new to this neck of the bloggiewoods, but i’m so incredibly sorry you are going through this. it sucks. it just sucks incredibly bad.


  17. pithycomments Says:

    Should eCrush ever see this, please note that you give the rest of your species a bad name. Things like you are why awesome chicas like us generally distrust anything w/ a penis. You are a lowlife, unfit to clean Bionic Kitty’s litterbox. Take your fugly dog and fuck off.

    The Machete is all yours, should you want to put that key to good use, my dear. My driving services are also at your disposal. I can make anything look like an accident. ((Hugs))

    Ha! I am sending you a vigilante application too. What alter ego do you want? I suggest it involve The Machete.

  18. AnonaEsq Says:

    Sweetie, do you want me to have a hit put on him? I have some clients that owe me……..

    Seriously, I’m speechless. Sorry doesn’t begin to express how badly I feel for you.

    Thanks for the Guido offer.

  19. Laina Says:

    I’ve got the shovel, Jill’s bringing the lye. Say the word. I’m simple like that. I don’t know what else to say, except I’m sorry.

    You said exactly the right thing.

  20. Gilahi Says:

    It just sucks that he put you through that. It just sucks. Next time we get together, please allow me to buy you a drink. Not all men are asses, I promise.

    Good guys and good relationships (ie you and yours) give me hope. You are my shiny beacon.

  21. Ally Says:

    holy monkeys on toast.

    i’m so sorry you had to go through that, complete with size-4 skanky thighs.

    hmph. 😦

    Well, the upside is my boobies are better than hers.

  22. Herb Says:

    I’m very sorry to read about this. I hope you are doing as well as possible.

    By the way I have a wood chipper in my basement I use for …uh gardening. If you plan on doing any…gardening let me know.

    I’m going to start calling you Fargo.

  23. suz Says:

    What a fucking loser. My wish for him is a life of STDs (not like…the really bad ones, but you know, the embarrassing ones).

    I heart you KJ! You are an amazing woman who is going to end up with someone who is not a douchebag Republican hunting freak with a gay dog (or if you do, he will actually respect you more than his sperm).

    Plus, remember what Stevie Nicks said in the Fleetwood Mac Behind the Music – “Devestation leads to writing really good things.”

    Stevie is totally my hero. And I heart you too, Suz!

  24. Sarah Says:

    I concur with pithycomments…it is guys like eCrush that really ruin the male species!
    With there were better words but I am so very sorry!

    Hug back!

  25. Fiery Nuggets Says:

    Ouchie! I’m sorry. It sucks and is also a great opportunity to be selfish. I’m up for getting drunk and trading shitty man stories any time you want. (Weird, I know because I don’t know you, but as a fellow Dar Williams fan and vodka lover, we are likely kindred spirits.)

    Dar and vodka. Brining the world together.

  26. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    Wow! This sucks even worse than if he’d been gay. (Which the Committee still thinks is possible.) I’m with several others here: leave us the key and ask no questions. We’ll fix his wagon and his little doggie, too. Bastard.

    P.S. You are one classy chick. Just sayin… Now where’s that key?

    Thanks. And I’m beginning to suspect there are some nefarious minds among my Seven Loyal Readers.

  27. charlotteharris Says:

    Ugh! I am soooo sorry. But you’re right, you won’t be able to pinpoint a reason or get a satisfactory explanation, so my wish for you is that you don’t waste too many more tears on this boy. Go ahead and get them out of your system, then shake the off and remember you’re gorgeous and funny and sociable and I know you have so many other fabulous things to do with your precious time than miss him. Hit me up on FB if you need a girlfriend… I can distract you by asking you makeup questions and pouring you cocktails.

    With contraband liquor, of course!

  28. freckledk Says:

    I’m sorry. What a tool. God.

    Add me to the list of those wishing to take you out and get you drunk.

    Tool is kind. I am opting for other four letter words.

  29. Heather Says:

    from the looks of things i’m fairly certain that you could parlay this incredibly unfortunate incident into multiple free drinking escapades.

    while perhaps not worth the experience, at least there’s a silver lining?

    good luck & way to go for putting this out there!

    Free drinks: my generation’s expression of love.

  30. suicide_blond Says:

    christ i step away form the internests for a few min and shit like this happens!! soo sorry….
    …screw zipcar…tell me where and when we will drop the top on sex on wheels… that way… he can see what hit him..

    I am going to form a vigilante group that works to rectify harm done to women by scummy men. I’ll send you an application.

  31. vvk Says:



  32. Jocelyn Says:

    Asshole. I hope there’s a painful incident between his dick and the whore butt floss. I’m so sorry. (((roses)))

  33. SES la vie Says:

    De-lurking to say that I’m so sorry. *hug* Where does one find tar and feathers these days? I suppose you could always substitute green slime (http://www.ycdtotv.com/swp/recipes.html) and shredded madras pants!

  34. laura Says:

    ecrush, if you’re reading this: Shame on you. I hope the guilt leads to years of erectile dysfunction (untouchable by the little blue pill), and that your gay madras pants are peed upon, chewed up, and then puked up/pooped out, by your lame little dog. I’ll be sure to warn my daughter about jerks like you.

    K: You deserve better than this. At the very least, a real man who owns a real dog (or better yet, no dog at all : ) ). And, of course, one who can keep his d*ck in his pants. Call anytime, and I’ll be happy to get “phone drunk” with you. I just bought vodka, and my LBFF (liquor BFF), the Captain, today. Not kidding about that. : )

  35. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    I am so sorry.

  36. Jennifer E. Says:

    You are spared from wondering, years from now, if he really did have to work late while you’re stuck *again* taking care of the kids by yourself, or if he’s with some floozy.

    *hugs* Add me to the vigilante group. After all, it’s only a 13 hour drive…

  37. wasitforthis Says:

    Duuuuude he suuuuuuuuucks sooooooooo baaaaaaaad.

    Although we have only met in real life once, I can tell that you are adorable and funny and bright and have mad dancing skills and he is a total loser for throwing that all away. Good riddance to him.

  38. Fearless Says:

    I’m a little late with the comment, but thank you for writing this, despite how sorry I am to read it.

  39. Leon Says:

    Ah man. I hope you get through this and still have your tear ducts. It made me cry. And reminds me of a bad movie.

  40. prettylittletangents Says:

    Boo hiss hiss. I’m so sorry you had to witness (and now deal) with such a terrible situation. I’m with Leon re: bad movie. My stomach was literally in my throat when I read your post.

    But you, my dear, are amazing. Good luck getting through the next couple days/weeks/months – it will get better and once you get through the suck, then you’ll be open to find someone who truly deserves you. Big, squeeze-you-til-you-can’t-breathe hug from the dirty south.

  41. Lemmonex Says:

    Dude, I totally missed this. FUCK HIM. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

    I am so incredibly sorry.

    Fuck him…did I say that?

  42. Zandria Says:

    Arrrgghh…what can I say that hasn’t already been said? It’s not your fault for giving him another chance — I’ve done the same myself (and yes, regretted it). This super-sucks, though… 😦

  43. Brett Says:

    how did I just see this? WHAT A WANKER. DIE ECRUSH DIEEEEEEEEEE

    Join the Posse Of Anger!

  44. Jen Says:

    Oooh, I just learned LAST NIGHT that my SO cheated on me on Sunday. Hooked up with ex Sunday afternoon, picked me up at the airport and hooked up with me Sunday night. Grossgrossgross. Now doesn’t understand why I’m ending things without “fighting for us.” Wtf? Why do I have to fight? Why didn’t YOU fight? Anyway, today I came back to this entry for some clarity, and b/c I knew you would be able to articulate my feelings better than I ever could.

    Tell me it gets better?

    Thanks so much for writing.

    – A (nonblogging) DC atty

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