Advice To The DC Population On Playing The Lottery, or The Post Where I Alienate My Single Redneck Reader

When the options are an eensie weensie chance to win $15 million or to buy a Baby Ruth, I generally opt for the instant gratification of a sugar high. But occasionally, when my mind can no longer repress the impending nightmare of my jumbo-sized tooshie in a peony bridesmaid dress, I opt for the lottery ticket. I figure if I win, I’ll gorge myself at the Nestle factory, get my ass lipoed off before Little Brother’s wedding, and still have a few bucks left over to indulge my shoe habit. It’s a fantasy I cherish.

Yesterday Wonder Admin told me the Powerball Jackpot was up to $146 million. Being an avid believer in the “it just takes a dollar and a dream” personal debt reduction plan, Wonder Admin keeps up with these things. She then rattled off that the current jackpot equates to $85.5 million in cash and that after taxes, the winner will deposit about $43 million into a Swiss bank account. Keep in mind that this impressive feat of mathematical division came from the same woman who insisted she couldn’t multiply six by two earlier in the morning; even with the assistance of a calculator or my fingers. Anyhoosits, with visions of a surgically-skinny me rolling naked in a ginormous pile of Benjamins, ala Scrooge McDuck but with sparkly Manolos, I promptly walked down to the nearest lottery vendor and purchased a ticket.

While avoiding actual Lawyerly Work, it occurred to me that I should verify the prize really was up to Roll Around Naked levels and that I hadn’t wasted part of my limited candy budget on a chance at a measly jackpot. Also, I had a lottery ticket from early December that I’d never checked. While I acknowledge the chances of winning Early Retirement Amounts are statistically akin to Michael Jackson becoming woman—not likely but still within the realm of theoretical possibility—I figured I should still check before I threw away the slip of paper. As I got on the webbernets and directed it to the Powerball website, I daydreamed about winning and the multitude of creative places I could tell Big Boss to shove all things Lawyerly as I walked out the door. I also began mentally drafting my Cabana Boy Needed Craigslist ad.

It appears Lawyerly Employees are discouraged from envisioning any mega-big financial windfalls which don’t stem from Erin Brockovich-ish settlements. After about 36 “are you sure you want to go to that website” type warnings, I beat the Place of Lawyerly Things security into submission and checked my numbers. My hopes for a loin-clothed Rafael carrying a golden platter of chilled, peeled grapes vanished into the ether of wishful thought. Instead, I found myself staring at a surprisingly crappy basic website decked out in Times New Roman and a FAQ section that starts with “MY EMAILS HAVE STOPPED; YOU NEVER RESPOND TO ME; STOP SENDING ME SPAM!!!” I am not kidding. There are three exclamation points. Apparently, a professionally tricked out website is not needed to give legitimacy to Powerball.

Also, I discovered that there is a consistent theme of Bad Hair Choices amongst the pictured winners. So, Seven Loyal Readers who want to become Powerball Winners, this is one of those times where I bestow some totally found less but still valuable Words of Wisdom. I’m a Lawyer, so pay attention.

If you want to win Powerball:

  • You’ve got to grow a mullet. It’s the predominant hairstyle of choice amongst the winners. Alas, in the year plus that I’ve lived in the DC Metro area, I’ve yet to see this charming do. This is the Land of the Black Power Suit and apparently mullets don’t match. But, DC Lotto Players, you still aren’t gonna win BIG until you loosen up enough to grow a party in back. Just sayin’.
A mullet = $1 million. Scientifically proven.

A mullet = $1 million. Scientifically proven.

  • For those ticket holders who aren’t comfortable even imagining a mullet around the halls of Congress, there is a second option. But it denotes those who are substantially less serious about their Powerball. It’s seen exclusively in the $200K to $999K winner set and would require a heavy investment in aerosol hair spray. Of course, I’m talking about mall bangs. I’m feeling more confident that a DC winner could fall into this category. After all, tragic ‘80s hair is still spotted in the Metro area, with the epicenter found at the end of the Orange Line, and a growing enclave on Green, past Fort Totten. That’s where the NASCAR-loving DCers hide out with their stone-washed jeans, Starter Jackets, and, hopefully, winning lottery tickets.
  • And if all else fails, Powerball Players, there is a third option. It doesn’t involve questionable hair choices; just some shopping. As demonstrated by the Winner Pictures, if you want to win in the $100K to $200K bracket, your entire wardrobe has to come from a Wal-mart. A Midwestern Wal-mart would be better, but based on my scientific Winner Picture analysis, I assume a Maryland one will do.
My Long Lost Uncle Fred

My Long Lost Uncle Fred


9 Responses to “Advice To The DC Population On Playing The Lottery, or The Post Where I Alienate My Single Redneck Reader”

  1. deutlich Says:

    Now I wanna go sport a mullet and purchase me a ticket. Or 10.

    I bet you could heighten your chances if you did the rare mall bangs/mullet combo. I hear it’s a guaranteed winner.

  2. Lemmonex Says:

    You cannot win if you don’t play.

    Mullets are underrated.

    I was going to give you a link to mullets galore, but it’s been “switched off.” My heart died a little.

  3. Brett Says:

    Off to Wal-Mart (“it’s soooo big!”) to revive the economy, and win me some Powerball!

    Say hello to the greeter for me.

  4. Laina Says:

    1) You have two redneck readers, me and Jill. (And for the rest of you, no, neither of us have mall bangs OR a mullet. So watch it, you’ll be down to five loyal readers. 😉
    You’d never leave me. I mean, I went outside 270 for you!

    2) See email re: NASCAR and Walmart.

    3) You pay for the fantasy. That fifteen minutes of imagining what you’d do is what you really spent your dollar on, not the actual chance of winning. That’s why poor people buy lottery tickets generally. Not because they’re stupid about money or they genuinely view it as a viable retirement plan, but because for a few minutes each day, they get to imagine something better than what they have.
    Yeah, but I imagine for free and spend the money on candy bars. It’s all about choices.

    And yes, you can tell eCrush I’m your hippy liberal redneck friend. It’s possible, although I prefer “hillbilly” to “redneck.”
    eCrush would love you! Yep. Totally.

  5. LiLu Says:

    Mulleting is Powerball 101. Doi.

    I thought there was a stronger Mullet/NASCAR connection, but I was wrong.

  6. Maxie Says:

    Fred is hot! Is he single? Hook a sister up!

    Plus, he’s rich. I will totally get his number for you.

  7. Herb Says:

    So that’s why my cousins never call me any more!!

    My mission is to enlighten.

  8. ella Says:

    its scary how many people truly consider their weekly lottery budget as part of their retirement investment planning. boggles.the.mind.

    Especially since the chances of winning are about as high as getting eaten by a rabid Panda.

  9. suicide_blond Says:

    *achem* another “hillbilly” in the house!
    and um…the “Greetings Gentle Reader” followed by “STOP SENDING ME SPAM”….was priceless…

    I have more of a hillbilly contingent than I suspected. And I find this funny since I am all about Nordstroms and paved roads.

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