Yesterday On The Way Home, or Why Walking Up The Megascalator Is Not My Ideal Fitness Plan

Approaching Rosslyn Megascalator: “Hair Bands and Other Secret Shame Music” is my current iPod playlist of choice. I’m mentally debating if Axel Rose is still hot enough to feature in my Dirty Roadie Fantasy, when suddenly, Eye of the Tiger comes on. Inexplicably, I become deluded inspired. Ignoring 29 years of determined exercise avoidance and my recent application to the Biggest Loser, I decide to show the megascalator a little ownage. I can climb the escalator! I will climb the escalator. Yee-haw!

Step 1: Ha! Watch me go!

Step 19: This? Is easy! Who needs a gym when there’s the Metro?

Step 23: I think I’ve just discovered the key to reaching Tiny Perky Assville. I wonder if I could somehow patent this exercise regime and promote it on an infomercial? My muscley butt could be the centerpiece of the entire thing. They could bounce quarters off my fanny on QVC!

Step 45: OK, successfully climbing up the Mother Of All Moving Staircases is all about pace. I’ve just gotta pace myself. Must ignore those climbers passing me. This is not a contest. It’s my moment of Workout Glory and I’m not gonna be all self-judgy simply because I climb noticeably lot slower than that old guy with a cane. I am a fitness winner.

Step 48: Rocky’s stairs were shorter. Unfair advantage.

Step 53: God, am I even a fourth of the way? No? Shitballs.

Step 70: Now? Still no? Fuuuuuuuck.

Step 95: Would it be bad 911-etiquette to call and have them meet me at the top? Preferably with the heart-restarter paddle things?

Step 110: I want a Sherpa.

Step 126: One. Foot. In. Front. Of. The. Other.

Step 143: I think I’ve become a cautionary tale for 22-year-olds: this is what happens after a decade of Snickers and vodka.

Step 157: Altitude sickness is setting in.

I’ve lost count of what step: I’m half way and still have not passed out. Damn you, Baby Jesus! You are supposed to be merciful. Just end my personal agony, for cryin’ out loud!

Using the hand rail to haul myself up the step: (no thoughts; all available bodily resources are being diverted to my heart and lungs)

At the point where I literally can’t feel my legs: I think I am going to take a taxi up the big hill to Chez Apartment. It’ll be worth the $5 and the $5 in yes-I’m-a-pathetic-loser-but-no-judging-tip-money.

At the top, which I later learned is 364 steps up: Excuse me while I go die.

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13 Responses to “Yesterday On The Way Home, or Why Walking Up The Megascalator Is Not My Ideal Fitness Plan”

  1. Jennifer Says:

    Still breathing? Need some water?

    To go with my CPR.

  2. lacochran Says:

    You did it! You rock!

    As we know, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Followed by 363 miserable steps more. And a cab ride.”

    Don’t look at me. Talk to Confucius.

    I thought about sitting on a step and riding the rest of the way. Seriously.

  3. Fiery Nuggets Says:

    That’s awesome! It will be easier the next time you do it. Sucky, but true. But the burn feels good after the fact.

    LOL, I interpret the burn as God saying, “Stop. Bad. Pain.”

  4. Brett Says:

    I believe in you! You can do it!

    Huffing and puffing the entire way…

  5. LiLu Says:

    You can use this as a great excuse to be on the bottom tonight!

    My jam on the way to work today?

    “That-Girl-is POIIIIIISONNNNNN…. doo doo doo doo!”

    LOVE that song. It’s in another playlist.

  6. LiLu Says:

    Also, sorry to Mama Katertot. I am the bad-influence friend…

    Maybe the Mother of Katertot doesn’t read the comments? I dunno if she does…Mom, do you? What about Dad? Or my other assorted relatives who know about this blog?

  7. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    Doesn’t it make you want to reach through the t.v. and punch Jillian right in the mouth? ‘Cause that’s the voice I hear every time I choose to stand on the escalator.

    You have just officially ruined escalators for me.

  8. Zandria Says:

    364 steps!!!!! What!!!! I climb up the escalator at Metro Center or Gallery Place every day, depending on whether I decide to take the blue or yellow line on a particular day…but there are no escalators nearly that long. I applaud you, girl!

    Second longest escalator in the Western Hemisphere. Next time, I am putting my huge work bag on a step and letting it ride up on its own.

  9. laura Says:

    Good for you!!! Next up…the stairs at chez apartment.
    But the real question is, will you be the topic of discussion on some *other* D.C blogger’s blog? You know, like their own metro-tales.

    Ohhhh, I hope so!

  10. Gilahi Says:

    I know I’m too old for this, but it’s Axl. Axl Rose. He came up with that name because it’s an anagram for “oral sex”. If you make it “Axel Rose”, then we have to come up with a completely different anagram.

    My favorite ones from the anagrams generator: “A Loser Ex”, “Ear Sex Lo”, and “A Role Sex”.

    I used to know that, I swear. And remind me to tell you the story about how I used to think he was a girl…

  11. SingleGirl Says:

    I believe you should also get strength training points in your work out for the day for using the hand rail to pull yourself up. Just a thought. You go, girl.

    I like your way of thinking.

  12. Maxie Says:

    oh no– bad call. every day of my freshman year I had to climb 94 steps to get to campus and I thought that was bad. I can’t imagine climbing up one of those massive escalators.

    94 steps to campus? I would have transferred.

  13. Herb Says:

    OT but did you see that the Obamas are considering a labradoodle?

    Oh and I love the Sherpa line.

    I’m extra ADD today.

    What? Snickers/Vodka?

    I hope they go for the labradoodle. Our first African-American AND gay president? It would be Awesome Squared.

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