Declaration Of Intention To Commit

In lieu of the findings of the Independent Council on Determining Gay in the Case of eCrush and “Smushee” v. Katherine the Great and the Loathing of the “Frenchie, (see post comments, near the end) the Defendant has opted to forgo a Request for Review of the Initial Application for Determination of Gayness. Also, the Defendant will decline the Council’s proposal of a Guardian Ad Litem to asses Plaintiff with Gaydar. Instead, the Parties mutually request the Council to place this Declaration of Intention to Commit into the Official Record. To wit:

DECLARATION OF INTENTION TO COMMIT

WHEREAS, ECRUSH (hereinafter ECRUSH) recognizes that he loves Katherine (hereinafter KATHERINE), even more than the Damn Dog.

WHEREAS, ECRUSH concedes that finding a female who shares his love of Battlestar Galactica, tolerates his overt worship of Newt Gingrich, and willingly indulges his desire for mutual showering is a once in a lifetime event.

WHEREAS, ECRUSH knows he can be a monumental fuck up and/or fucktard upon occasion.

WHEREAS, ECRUSH comprehends that a relationship is not just about “me,” it’s about “us.”

WHEREAS, ECRUSH acknowledges his “unique nature” and, despite all evidence to the contrary, publicly states he is NOT gay, merely inordinately meterosexual.

WHEREAS, ECRUSH understands that KATHERINE wants to know his intentions and that it is only fair for him to inform her.

FURTHER, ECRUSH recognizes and understands the following:

  • A significant investment of time, emotion and sexual energy has been put into their relationship by KATHERINE.
  • KATHERINE is entitled to have input into planning her future lifestyle. Nobody likes to waste time and/or their biological clock unnecessarily.
  • Madras pants are Fugly.

THEREFORE, ECRUSH HEREBY engages in a historic and courageous departure from General Male Behavior by actually making his intentions clear:

  1. ECRUSH does intend to acknowledge KATHERINE’s existence in public before the age of 70. This includes, but is not limited to, an introduction to his parents, bestowing a mutual Facebook relationship status, and being a Plus One at Little Brother’s wedding.
  2. It is ECRUSH’s wish for the parties to cohabitate in a Georgetown house together. He will be making a mortgage application on or about 01/15/2015. Viva Yuppiedom!
  3. ECRUSH will be making a proposal of marriage KATHERINE in the next decade. He understands that the longer the waits, the bigger the rock must be.
  4. ECRUSH will NOT acquire any more pets, with the exception of goldfish and possibly kittens, without KATHERINE’s prior written approval.
  5. It is ECRUSH’s ambition to have children with KATHERINE before her eggs shrivel up and die.
  6. ECRUSH sees KATHERINE as his “rock,” an enduring source of stability in an unpredictable and often mean universe.

IN THE EVENT this August and Official Body determine ECRUSH has BREACHED any of said covenants, or that he has MISREPRESENTED his sexuality/love for KATHERINE/other, KATHERINE is entitled to ALL possessions in her apartment or the aforementioned Georgetown residence EXCEPT ECRUSH’s comic book collection (defined as all comic books EXCEPT the Buffy The Vampire Slayer ones which will revert to KATHERINE because she likes them). The Relationship Prizes include, but are not limited to, all DVDs of The Wire and Battlestar Galactica, the Sonicare Toothbrush, every last bit of Le Creuset cookware, any fancy wine on the premises, all Apple products (yep, even the MacBook Air), the Diet Coke stockpile, and all political memorabilia regardless of party affiliation.

THIS IS A SOLEMN and TRUTHFUL declaration.

Signed and dated by ECRUSH, on this 8th Day of January, 2008 and witnessed by the Webbernets At Large.

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14 Responses to “Declaration Of Intention To Commit”

  1. Jennifer Says:

    This. Is. Awesome.

    Why, thank you.

  2. Gilahi Says:

    You know, I think he has to be a pretty great guy just to put up with this stuff. Funny!

    His place in Heaven is assured.

  3. kettleonelover Says:

    I think that congratulations are in order… but I don’t speak lawyer so I’m not really sure. If its appropriate, than congratulations ECRUSH and KATHERINE on coming to agreement on relationship parameters with timeline clearly outlined and publicly stated. Yours is a true 21st century romance.

    In Normalese, this just means he’s devoted and we’ll see if I can stand bliss.

  4. LiLu Says:

    You need a new job, lady.

    You hiring?

  5. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    Wow, you really are a lawyer!

    With the big, fancy diploma to prove it!

  6. Brett Says:

    You truly are genius. But why would you not be entitled to all that is in your apt… unless you two are cohabiting?

    It’s all his stuff that’s made the migration over the river. We will not be roomies until I learn to love the dog. Or it dies. Whichever happens first.

  7. ella Says:

    no cease and desist on the madras? just agreeing on fugly?

    I wasn’t going to totally take away his manhood…Plus, he LOVES those pants. Almost as much as the Damn Dog. And me.

  8. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    The Independent Council on Determining Gay approves this contract. The need for a guardian ad litem is suspended at this time. The exception resulting in reinstatement would be failure on the part of ECRUSH to adhere to his side of the agreements. In the event he is unable to comply, a motion will be filed by the ICDG for meeting and observation.

    Respectfully submitted, blah, blah, blah.

    JMT

    P.S. I wonder if I really did miss my calling in life by either a) not going to law school or b) not remaining embedded in policy wonkishness? Hm.

    I refer you to the 101 reasons not to go to lawyerly school category…

  9. Kevin Says:

    This is TBS very funny.

    However, I wondering, did you get a two-for-one deal from the vet to snip both the gay dog and the “inordinately meterosexual” eCrush? Cause he seems to be giving up a lot of his basic man rights in this deal. But, then again, all of us do when it comes to the women we love. Congrats to you both.

    Man rights? Everybody knows that those are relinquished for regular bed-romping privileges.

  10. Herb Says:

    wait you never told us before he had Le Creuset cookware

    How can I meet someone like this????

    He has friends — but they are Republicans…

  11. Laina Says:

    For you, I might overturn my “NEVER EVER EVER be a GAL again” policy. That’s friendship.

    You are so good to me. Heart.

  12. kmcsaks Says:

    This is incredibly hilarious!!! I can’t get over how funny this is.

    Ah, you’re lovely!

  13. Heather Says:

    I just found your blog today and I have come to the following conclusions / observations:
    1. This is hilarious.
    Thanks!
    2. If the friend who sent me the link has been hiding this gem of a blog, what else has she been hiding?
    I would find out immediately. Law students are wily.
    3. My drafting legal documents class should evaluate this type of agreement. If so, law school would actually be interesting! Somehow car purchase agreements just don’t do it for me.
    Have a spork. Poke your eyes out with it. It’ll be more pleasant than car purchase agreements.

  14. Echo Says:

    It’s true. Your 8th loyal reader couldn’t resist sharing, and now you have 9 loyal readers. I hope your ego can handle it. 😉

    P.S. H – Post Secret is in DC next week. Do you REALLY want to know what I’ve been hiding? hahahahaha!

    Nine loyal readers? It’s getting crowded in my piece of cyberdom.

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