If It Walks Like A Duck And Talks Like A Duck, It Might Be A Gay Boyfriend, Or eCrush Gets A Dog

For as long as I’ve known him, eCrush has wanted a dog. And by want, I mean, we make monthly Animal Shelter pilgrimages so he can engage in baby talk with every canine on the premises. But he’s never actually considered leaving with a puppy. eCrush knows his heavy-on-the-networking Sexy Republican lifestyle does not lend itself to dog ownership. So, several weeks ago, when I got a “Can’t stand it anymore, must go see dogs!” text, I figured this was just another Saturday devoted to quasi-emasculating behavior. But the next text, the “What a great breeder” one, perked me up. This was not eCrush’s usual aren’t-they-so-cute puppy fix, but an actual fact finding type mission. My internal Holy Shit Alarm Bells started going off and I frantically texted back, “You are at a puppy mill? How Michael Vick-Lite of you!” It was the best play at his conscience I could come up with in 20 seconds and I went about my business, confident it was enough to keep any impulse dog purchases at bay.

But two hours later, I received a picture text of a puppy with the message, “Meet Apollo.” Seems the French Bulldog is eCrush’s previously unidentified dog kryptonite. He’d walked into the breeder’s, taken a single look at the squashed up faces and pointy ears, and handed over his credit card. What immediately followed was a phone call I now refer to as the He’s Gone Bat Shit Crazy Conversation.

eCrush (in his drooling over babies/puppies voice): He’s so cute. And I got him a manly collar so the other dogs won’t push him around at the doggie woggie park.

Me (disgusted and in disbelief that I’m actually having this conversation): YOU GOT A (*^%$&$(^&#&*(^$(*&^&%#&*^$(*#^^#^%$@%*)&^%(*#^%^#&^#(*&^$#*&$(*^$#^$&%% FUCKING DOG?

eCrush (too blissed out to appreciate my cuss-word creativity): It has a skull and cross bones on it and he looks so little and cute and manly. I could just eat him up! Yes, I could! Yes, yes, I could!

Me (holding the phone away from my ear, staring at it in disbelief): *silence*

eCrush (not even noticing my lack of response): …just adorable. Yes, you are Apollo. You are just snugglishicious.

Me (perturbed): Call me back after you reattach your balls.

A dog in and of itself wouldn’t be so bad, but eCrush, my supposedly-straight boyfriend, got the gay version of man’s best friend. And I am not alone in this thought. Woof! A Gay Man’s Guide To Dogs calls the French Bulldog the “gayest of all breeds.” No skull and cross bones collar or Camo Dog Jumpsuit (purchased online within hours of the acquisition of Apollo, along with $438 in dog gear) will void the latent homosexual-factor. By purchasing a French Bulldog, it’s like eCrush is doing the gay hokey-pokey: one foot in and one foot out. But even worse is the name. While eCrush claims it’s a tribute to Battlestar Galactica (I am on board with the concept, but only if he had gone with Starbuck), Apollo is firmly on the questionable list. After all, Apollo was the second most gay of all the Greek Gods, right behind Hermes with his snazzy footwear. Again, Woof! backs me up and lists Apollo as a Gay Name for Large Dogs.

And then there was the moment eCrush found out “Frenchies” (every time he says it, I insist on air quotes) are colloquially called Smushes. As in, breeds with faces are all flat and jacked in.

eCrush (gazing adoringly at Apollo): You are a Smush! Yes you are! Smushnose! Smushie smush smush! And I am going to take you to the Saturday Arlington Smush meet up and you can socialize with other Smushables. And if you are good there, then we’ll go to the Frenchie meet up in Shirlington and you can find a nice lady Smush and have Smushable Frenchie baby Smushes and…

Me (continuing with the dog-centric muttering I’ve been doing for weeks): …freaking pet induced dementia…got a case of damned dog derangement…hope that thing gets hit by the G2 bus…

It looks like I’m staring down years of Overtly Gay Boyfriend Behavior and the way it’s going, I’m going to turn into the Bitter Beard Who Was Preempted By A Dog.

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25 Responses to “If It Walks Like A Duck And Talks Like A Duck, It Might Be A Gay Boyfriend, Or eCrush Gets A Dog”

  1. Aaron Wakling Says:

    Can you tell me who did your layout? I’ve been looking for one kind of like yours. Thank you.

    WordPress. Name is on the bottom, I believe.

  2. SingleGirl Says:

    You’re gonna hate me, but I can’t help but be sooooo excited for him. The smushie little faces….ahhhh…..smushie, smushie, shumshie……so cute. Can my pug be his friend? (Off to go remind myself that my dog is not a child…..)

    Will your pug eat him? If the answer is yes, then of course they can be friends.

  3. pithycomments Says:

    Abort, Abort, Abort!!

    Based on how much I hate that dog, the thought has crossed my mind.

  4. restaurantrefugee Says:

    I cannot explain how much and how hard this post made me laugh. Yes, dear, you need to get over it – eCrush is gay – not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.

    The only unfunny part of this post is the idea that any thinking human would go to a ^%@#$^%$^&%^*^#$%$ puppy mill to get a dog. It took me all of 2 seconds on google to find a rescue league for “frenchies” and another 35 seconds to find a dozen “frenchies” within a short drive of here.

    Nice use of mandatory air quotes.

  5. Brett Says:

    I love dogs as much as the next person… but I think I just smushed a little bit in my mouth…

    You too?

  6. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    Bleh. I’m with Brett. I love dogs, too. But they’re dogs. Not dress up. And I second RR’s opinion: eCrush is SO gay. So, so, so. So gay.

    P.S. Let me know how the fireworks go tonight. I want a full report.

    Really? I am really dating a gay man? Crap.

  7. Leon Says:

    One word. W…O….W….

    I have another: awkward.

  8. suicide_blond Says:

    ahh…
    i remember the first time i had to tell a guy he was gay…
    *sigh* memories…lol
    xoxo

    I sense a story…

  9. lacochran Says:

    Wow is that gonna get old.

    Too late.

    Sorry.

    Try living with it.

  10. Maxie Says:

    Oh I wouldn’t be able to deal with the dog love. I’m more of a (crazy) cat lady.

    Preaching to the choir..

  11. Stella Says:

    I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    Now you know what I am living with.

  12. Zandria Says:

    You know, my problem wouldn’t be the breed so much — it would be the baby-talk. My sister’s boyfriend has a dog, and he resorts to non-human words on a regular basis when he’s talking to him. I find it annoying. 🙂

    The baby-talk is beyond words awful.

  13. AnonaEsq Says:

    1. Nothing wrong with smush faced dogs. GiGi, the antipoodle, says so.

    2. I’ve told you for months that e-Crush is a closet member of the Log Cabin Republicans.

    3. No amount of macho dog accessories will negate the name Apollo. Why not name the poor thing Alice, Francis or Lesley.

    4. Maybe Bionic Kitty will eat him. She eats everything else.

    She tried and he ran. But give her time, she just needs to do some recon.

  14. suz Says:

    Despite the fact that my boyfriend really is part gay, I suspect that puppies have a way of doing this to men. When Big D comes home from work he greets our (his) dog with oodles of baby talk before greeting me with a simple hello. I’m not one to talk though because I let her eat off my fork…BECAUSE SHE’S SO DAMN CUTE.

    If nothing else, you must see to it that he gets that dog’s nads cut off. We don’t need no breeders!

    Congratulations, Step-Mommy Dearest.

    She eats off your fork? Germs! Gross!

  15. Herb Says:

    Sorry but French Bulldogs are so 2007. Labradoodles rule the gay ghettos now.

    Really, what would you people do without me?

    I wonder if that’s because labradoodles shed less? Are the gays clued into hyperallergenic aspects of pet ownership?

  16. Kevin Says:

    Just had to remind myself what one of those dogs looks like. So I looked up a pic on Wikipedia and I have five words: Oh my God, so gay.

    No man should own a dog that can’t actually protect him when it comes right down to it. I believe the Guy Code establishes the absolute minimum weight for a straight man’s dog at 50 pounds.

    And it should play fetch.

  17. Laina Says:

    Wait till he takes the gay dog to the dog park with the gay madras pants on. Just you wait.

    Oh dear God.

  18. emma Says:

    HOWLING with laughter, thank you very much. At least he didn’t get a kick-me dog. There yet may be hope.

    That dog is just begging to be kicked. Hard.

  19. Recent Restaurant Recaps « The Restaurant Refugee Says:

    […] If it Walks Like a Duck, Talks Like a Duck, It Might be a Gay Boyfriend – Seriously, Katertot, I love this post. […]

    Ohhhh! Thanks for the linkage, RR!

  20. ella Says:

    i did indeed just come over from RR (love this and am adding you to RSS).

    i’ve always had a standing rule that one handed dogs (those you can hold with…just one hand) don’t actually count as dogs. the little ones bark too much.

    Ohhh, I am up to Eight Loyal Readers! And I am beginning to think eCrush’s pet owner idol is Paris Hilton.

  21. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    Madras pants should have been your first clue. The smushie puppy is your second. If he decides to start putting pictures of Apollo in frames all around the house and in his office, that should be your final sign. But, as I’ve never met eCrush and haven’t had the opportunity to hone my gaydar on him, I can’t say 100%. I have, however, asked a couple of independent observers to weigh in. As soon as I have their responses to my email, I’ll get back to you.

    An Independent Council On Determining Gay? Love it!

  22. LiLu Says:

    For a second, I thought I was dating you, because that is EXACTLY what happens to me every time I see a smushee. There’s even a dance involved, if I spot one on the street, just ask B.

    On that note… PICTURES PLEASE???

    How about I hook you an eCrush up so you can share Smushie Bliss?

  23. prettylittletangents Says:

    Too funny! I do love the smooshes (I have a Boston Terrier…but he’s a rescue – no puppy mills for me). I can’t wait to hear the tales of the love/hate (perhaps?) relationship between Bionic Kitty and Apollo the “frenchie”!!

    The Introduction and the Continued Struggle For Apartment Dominance: Coming soon to a blog near you.

  24. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    The Independent Council on Determining Gay has convened, evaluated, and herewith presents its conclusions.

    In the Case of eCrush and “Smushee” v. Katherine the Great and the Loathing of the “Frenchie” the council determines that eCrush’s gayness remains in question. On the one hand, the presence of madras in the same’s wardrobe and his acquisition of a decidedly gay-ish dog with concomitant affectations in name and attire presents the overwhelming possibility of gayness.

    On the other hand, the facts have been presented in past entries that the eCrush and Katherine have had carnal knowledge of one another and pre-marital conjugal relations. Therefore, the ownership of madras pants and a “Frenchie” becomes moot and is canceled out by the same.

    Of greater concern to the committee is the fact that the above named eCrush is an ardent Republican and is in possession of a gay-ish dog. The complainant’s concern should be regarding the truth and depth of his political affiliations and whether he is hiding as an operative of the Democratic, Libertarian, Green, or Communist Parties within the ranks of the GOP.

    Respectfully submitted,

    The Independent Council on Determining Gay

    J.M. Tewkesbury
    M. Villanelle
    D. Gay Tech Guy

    HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

  25. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    P.S. Final determination of the eCrush’s gayness would require one of the committee meeting the same and ascertaining whether their gaydar rockets off the charts. The committee recommends the facilitation of a meeting, should further determination by the complainant be required.

    Yours respectfully, etc., etc.

    JMT

    I am laughing too hard to respond in the witty and appreciative manner the Independent Council’s findings deserve. After I’ve collected myself, I will file a Motion For Determination or similar.

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