A List Of My New Year’s Resolutions And What Will Realistically Result From Said Resolutions

New Year’s Resolution: Lose 15 pounds.

Predicted Outcome: Over the course of the year, my secret love of cheese will be too strong for me to repress and consequently, I will consume vast wheels of Gouda. Ounce by ounce, I will in fact gain 15 pounds until my thighs are the diameter of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline.

New Year’s Resolution: Develop a taste for cheap vodka. Or learn to filter it. Thus, saving money because crap vodka is tons more bank account friendly than Grey Goose.

Predicted Outcome: A liver transplant will become an immediate necessity instead of a theoretical possibility. I will be stuck with hefty co-pays and outrageous health insurance deductibles, thereby eradicating any savings I might otherwise have achieved.

New Year’s Resolution: No longer surf the interwebs while at the Place of Lawyerly Things and devote time saved to becoming a model employee.

Predicted Outcome: I will continue with the current No Working On Friday schedule. And maybe expand this demanding schedule, because everybody knows Thursday is the new Friday.

New Year’s Resolution: Learn Chinese.

Predicted Outcome: I will order lots of Chinese food.

New Year’s Resolution: Meet Chuck Norris.

Predicted Outcome: Get all episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger from Netflicks and watch incessantly. Maybe practice my roundhouse kick. Hi-ya!

New Year’s Resolution: Think of a password other than “password.”

Predicted Outcome: Start using “password2.”

New Year’s Resolution: Stop making fun of people on the Metro.

Predicted Outcome: Such wishful thinking.

New Year’s Resolution: Perform a Service to Humanity and burn eCrush’s madras pants.

Predicted Outcome: He will most likely replace the pants with a wardrobe item equally as offensive and emasculating, which I will likewise have to publicly make fun of and covertly steal. This in turn will begin a vicious cycle of wardrobe confiscation that will only end when all madras fabrics are banned from the earth.

New Year’s Resolution: Remove all Miley Cyrus songs from my iPod.

Predicted Outcome: I will download Jonas Brothers, Selma Gomez or similar up and coming D-Rock in an effort to fill the teenbop void. I will continue to put this music on my “Music of Shame” playlist, which is actually what I renamed my Top 25 Most Played.

New Year’s Resolution: Put Bionic Kitty on a diet.

Predicted Outcome: She will eat my couch in protest. It will sorta be like Ghandi’s hunger strike, but in reverse.

New Year’s Resolution: Engage in random acts of kindness. Like no more drunk dialing, drunk texting, or drunk yelling.

Predicted Outcome: I will substitute drunk mooning, drunk boob flashing or drunk Insulting A Metro Employee and eventually be arrested for my rowdy behavior. It’ll make great blog fodder. And because I engage in “post now, think later” blog posting, my mother will read it. I’ll then receive a phone call in which she will repeatedly threatened to enroll me in Betty Ford, AA, or Promises.

New Year’s Resolution: Move from NoVA to the District.

Predicted Outcome: This will actually happen. In fact, it’ll usher in the Golden Age of My Social Life, which I will fondly refer to as the Ascendancy of Glory when I reminisce about it during my kid-rearing years.

New Year’s Resolution: Travel more.

Predicted Outcome: Hello, Maryland.

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11 Responses to “A List Of My New Year’s Resolutions And What Will Realistically Result From Said Resolutions”

  1. lacochran Says:

    “New Year’s Resolution: Learn Chinese.

    Predicted Outcome: I will order lots of Chinese food.”

    Ha!

    And, I, too, am a total cheese hound. If you haven’t discovered Cheesetique in DelRay, well, OH MY GOD!

    I’m a Cowgirl Creamery girl, myself.

  2. Lemmonex Says:

    Why would you want to STOP making fun of people on the metro? I don’t get it.

    Happy new year, woman.

    Because my inner Jiminy Cricket won’t shut up.

    Be merry tonight!

  3. LiLu Says:

    New Year’s Resolution: Stop making fun of people on the Metro.

    NEVER.

    I’m stoked you’re moving to the District! Mooning buuuuddies!

    Darn it. I was planning on you bailing me out. If we’re arrested together, do you think Lemm could get us out of the klink?

  4. LiLu Says:

    I’m 85% certain Lemm knows how a bail-out goes down.

    Must put her on speed dial…

  5. Shannon Says:

    But drunk yelling is the BEST yelling!

    I KNOW, RIGHT? (I mixed that champagne with the OJ, per your marvelous suggestion)

  6. Brett Says:

    New Year’s Resolution: Think of a password other than “password.”

    Predicted Outcome: Start using “password2.”

    Haha, as a two-password girl I totally understand.

    Happy new Year and all the best!!!

    Back attcha! Hope you have a marvelous, toe-curling kiss at midnight!

  7. Zandria Says:

    I really like that you’re so realistic about the outcome of most New Year’s resolutions. 🙂

    I know myself well…

  8. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    Excellent resolutions. Even more than that, though, it’s refreshing to find someone who has a realistic grasp of what it means to make resolutions.

    Hey, I know someone* with a two bedroom/1.75 bath/off-street parking south of Walter Reed and .65 miles from the Takoma Metro station who wants to rent their place out. Interested? It’ll put you that much closer to Maryland and might even expand your travel prospects to include *gasp* Pennsylvania! It’s also not that far from the Restaurant Refugee’s place of residence, if I remember correctly.

    * P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, that someone would be me.

    Thanks for the offer but Stella would kill me. My subletting her place is the lynch pin of her real estate dreams.

    Happy New Year!

  9. Health Savings Account Says:

    […] A List Of My New Year’s Resolutions And What Will Realistically Result From Said Resolutions […]

  10. Lemmonex Says:

    Oh, I know. Don’t you worry.

  11. sofarleft Says:

    OMG – I’m going to get “Flirty Girl Fitness” for you! You’ll tone up AND learn all the sluttiest dance moves…PLUS you can try out their “fitness pole” (aka stripper pole) for only ONE DOLLAR!!! We’re going to get skinny and dance like Beyonce in 2009!!!

    WHERE DO WE SIGN UP???????

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