A Textadextrous Relationship

A friend has been engaged in one of those relationships that defies the bounds of common sense and emotional well-being. You know, the kind that’s so epically heart-wrenching it makes Romeo and Juliet look like amateurs. But, being of Generation Crackberry, she’s conducting her version mainly via text message. To wit:

To: me@ourlitigatorsarebetterthanyourlitigators.com

From: stella@cartoonbirdsbraidmyhaireachmorning.com

Re: So much for a communication moratorium with Mr. Oates

Holy shit. My cell phone bill shows 1397 text messages last month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To: stella@cartoonbirdsbraidmyhaireachmorning.com

From: me@ourlitigatorsarebetterthanyourlitigators.com

Re: Verizon hates you!

I’ve sat here for at least four minutes trying to find words. There are none.

Wait, I take that back. I am articulate again.

First, must we revisit the concept of communication moratorium?

Second, how about we translate that number into man hours? Let’s say 1,000 of those texts were to Mr. Oates. And erring on the side of ultra, ultra, ultra conservatism, let’s assume each text took one minute to compose. But who are we kidding? That sort of verbal parlay, the utter masterpiece that was each text response, can’t be accomplished in a mere 60 seconds. We’ll give each one 90.

Now you gotta double everything because you were actually responding to incoming texts as well.

And from that number, add a third of the total time to account for the recent introduction of gChatting into your relationship.

Plus, maybe throw in an additional fourth for various other forms of communication like the miscellaneous email and sporadic lunch dates and goggle-eye-making.

So now, I want you to take that whopping big number and square it. That will account for hours outlaid in general emotional anguish, cry time, and the over analysis of all aspects of the relationship.

I don’t do math. That’s why I’m Lawyerly. But even my number challenged mind knows it all adds up to A HELL OF A FREAKING LOT of time spent on cyber communication. In the future, please honor Alexander Graham Bell and pick up the phone. It takes less time and spares you from early onset carpal tunnel.

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4 Responses to “A Textadextrous Relationship”

  1. Stella Says:

    I mostly just wish that was my real email address…

    Wonder if the domain name is available…

  2. vvk Says:

    I’m going to ignore the squaring bit, ’cause that just makes the numbers insane… but otherwise, that comes out to 4750 minutes… or 79 hours and 10 minutes… or 3 days, 7 hours and 10 minutes.

    I think… if I did my math right.

    That’s one hell of a “communication moratorium”…

    I love your math prowess. And I think we can agree, their moratorium bit is working out so well…

  3. Thomas Says:

    Math still intimidates me a little.

    But I can add up increments of 15 really well…

  4. Zandria Says:

    That is freakin’ excessive. Especially if it’s not a HEALTHY relationship? Oh, no, no, no…

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