How I Ensure Job Security In A Tough Economic Climate

Office morale in a Lawyerly Place can sometimes be touch and go. But with a constant influx of alcohol and cheese on toothpicks, the grumbles can be kept to a minimum. Because attorneys? They heart vodka. My current Place of Lawyerly Things has realized this and engages in preventive mood boosting. Around the end of each quarter, there is a highly recommended if you value your job mid-day social hour. It’s generally themed, painful, and light on munchies but heavy on wine. This experience is not to be confused with the annual Holiday Party, which is Thursday, or other required socializing like client events, woe-is-me-meals with the fresh meat new associate lunches and sucker summer associate events. Anyhoodles, today is one of those special social hour days.

Since I like a regular paycheck, and because year-end bonuses loom, I figured it would be good to make an appearance at this afternoon’s event. Plus, give me few drinks and I’d be doing some afternoon drunk lawyering. What’s not to love about that? Dutifully, I went to the office atrium, grabbed some cubed cheddar and a plastic wine glass.

It is also important to know that I am wearing my Sweet-Baby-Jesus-you’re-really-bloated-and-possibly-gestating-a-whale-pants. These slacks are about a size and a half too big. I bought them after a night of debauchery, when my dignity required I go to work in a different outfit but I didn’t have enough time to go home and grab clothes. This was the only option Ann Taylor had that was short enough and well, wide enough, to not raise every workplace eyebrow. I generally only break these pants out after the holidays but before I reintroduce myself to the elliptical machine. When I wear them, I constantly walk around with one hand holding up the extra fabric and when I stand, if I take a hand off my hip, I must ensure I’m in a low gravity zone or else they gently slide down to my ankles. And that’s on fat days. These pants are only seeing daylight today because I really, really need to pick up from the dry cleaners and everything else is past the point of a good Febreezing.

OK, so back to today’s social hour: I had sampled the Harris Teeter hors d’oeuvres, had my attendance noted by Big Boss and was gossiping discussing pressing client matters with Pregnant Colleague. My hands were full. Literally. One was hitching up my oversized pants. The other was in charge of maintaining sanity, which meant grabbing at all nearby bottles of wine and transporting them directly to my mouth. That’s when Pregnant Colleague dropped a napkin and without thinking, without recalling why I’ve had one hand anchored at my waist all day, I let go of my pants and reached down to get it. It took about two seconds for my pants to reach my ankles and my Wonder Woman undies to be seen by half the Lawyerly Litigation Team.

As I was bent over, ass up, I thought maybe just this one time, in the spirit of the holiday season, the Universe would spare me total public humiliation. I prayed my Lawyerly Colleagues would be so deep into their plastic cups they wouldn’t notice. Or that my ass would be blocked by seven months of preggers belly and that my mortification would be kept between Pregnant Colleague and me. But no such luck. Half the Lawyerly Place Personnel saw my adult Underoos and seconds later, the other half got an email about it thanks to the wonders of the Crackberry. Walking to the elevator bank was arguably the most embarrassing professional moment of my life. And for me, that’s saying a lot.

I’ve spent the last two hours hunkered down in my office, trying to compose a mature and sensible resignation letter that does not include phrases like “sorry for flashing the Managing Partner with my lard ass.” Except just now, there was a knock on my door and Wonder Admin brought in a bottle of Settle Ponti Toscano Oreno wine. Google says this is stuff. But the best part was the note attached:

If you didn’t work so hard, we’d keep you around just for the laughs.

Big Boss

My year-end bonus? Totally going to be spent on grown up underwear.


20 Responses to “How I Ensure Job Security In A Tough Economic Climate”

  1. Brett Says:

    Just be glad it wasn’t a thong. Though that’s more “grown up” it’s also far more embarassing for a room of men to get a full view of your ass.

    Or that I wasn’t going commando.

  2. restaurantrefugee Says:

    Underoos are hot and totally grown-up in the right context.

    Yeah, like playing Wonder Woman and the Invisible Plane in my bedroom.

  3. lacochran Says:

    Flashing Wonder Woman panties is better than showing everybody granny panties. Just sayin…

    Consider a belt or suspenders (a la 1970s Robin Williams) if you’re going to insist on wearing way big pants.

    Pants, meet trash. As soon as I get home.

  4. Lemmonex Says:

    Yeah, I go commando from time to time. I was thinking that as I read this.

    At least you keep them laughing, hun.

    Sigh…I’m never going to wear these pants again.

  5. Laina Says:

    Oh honey. You’re a sitcom waiting to happen. You’d have it already if they hadn’t already had that show with the Midwestern Sexy redhead, what was that called?

    Anyway, WW underoos are totally awesome, I’m jealous. Matt would think they’re hot.

    Wonder what Matt would think of My Little Pony panties?

  6. Angela Says:

    Seriously, yeah, um, glad about the wine and note though. At least you know they plan on keeping you around. For one reason or another.

    Yeah, I’ll take what I can get. However I can get it.

  7. Maxie Says:

    At least you were wearing underwear.

    At least it didn’t happen today…

  8. Doug Says:

    I find adult underoos on a woman hot. Seriously. Sorry about the office flashing, thats definitely more embarrassing than crapping your pants.

    From the number of guys who are pro-underoos, I think I’m going to go order the Princess Leia ones…

  9. Stella Says:

    I’m taking notes. Real estate is tough these days…

    Should you ever lose your job, you can just give Fabulous Lessons to the less fortunate.

  10. DCBlogs » DC Blogs Noted Says:

    […] of Who Invented Roses? explores alternate approaches to displaying loyalty to one’s employer in How I Ensure Job Security in a Tough Economic Climate. No need to adjust your calendar, though, it’s not TMI Thursday already; she’s just […]

    And I’ve not even slept with anybody over there… Yet you keep linking me… Kisses!

  11. bethie Says:

    Considering I have fallen down the stairs at work sober, I can only imagine what would happen to me at quarterly afternoon winefest (something I am TOTALLY going to suggest to my bosses after the first of the year). I just discovered your blog and, um, you’re my hero. WTG.

    Ohhh, Wonder Woman underoos make me a hero? Must buy Supergirl as well!

  12. Herb Says:

    I can’t wait to hear what happens at the annual Holiday party…and it takes place on TMI Thursday!

    There will be far more booze. Thus, more frivolity and possibly flashing. Stay tuned.

  13. Gilahi Says:

    You may get more of a bonus than you were anticipating.

    Big girl panties and shoes? Christmas done come early!

  14. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    Wonder Woman underoos? I’m in love.

    Seriously. Had I know this was the way to attract attention, I would have talked my underoos a lot earlier.

  15. suz Says:

    Why weren’t you this entertaining at the place of stafferly things? ; )

    Sorry to hear that you flahsed your office. At least you got a bottle of wine out of it.

    I was this entertaining. I just chose to keep it to myself.

  16. Sarah Says:

    I walk around every single day of my life expecting something like this to happen.

    Daily. It happens to me daily.

  17. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    Nothing like this ever happens to me. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing… That said, though, you handled this with absolute class.

    P.S. Now I suppose this means you won’t be flashing your boobies at the big office party? I mean, that might seem like showing off–or worse yet, desperation–after mooning everyone, don’t you think?

    Or it could be sort of like an “in for a pound” type statement?

  18. LiLu Says:

    Wait, I’m confused… is it Thursday?!?

    P.S. I think it was LESS embarrassing because you were wearing Wonder Woman. They could have been the skanky granny panties every girl has…

    Those granny panties are just one step lower on the Gotta Do Laundry ladder.

  19. Posts about Social Media as of December 18, 2008 | The Lessnau Lounge Says:

    […] crap. And not just slightly crap, really pretty awful. To quote from the research summary: How I Ensure Job Security In A Tough Economic Climate – 12/16/2008 Office morale in a Lawyerly Place can sometimes be touch and go […]

    Thanks for the linkie link!

  20. Zandria Says:

    That is a fantastic story! (Embarrassing, but fantastic.)

    Have a great weekend!

    You too. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t. Which is apparently leaving the barn doors open.

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