Two Sentences Are All You’re Getting Considering My Level Of Functionality

I have developed an unexplainable case of insomnia. Really, really bad, somebody-please-give-me-a-horse-tranquilizer-so-I-can-sleep level insomnia. My winks count is currently up to 12 hours in the last eight days. Walking Dead does not begin to cover how I feel. During the last week, I’ve remained semi-functional thanks to a near continuous intake of Diet Coke and sheer will power. But today I’ve hit a wall. My current priorities include not drooling on myself and figuring out how much Tylenol PM I can take tonight without ODing.

And just so we are all clear about what insomnia does to me, I refer you to this morning: on my way to the Place of Lawyerly Things, I passed a homeless person curled up, sleeping. I stopped and very seriously thought about giving him $50 in exchange for his blanket and alcove.


12 Responses to “Two Sentences Are All You’re Getting Considering My Level Of Functionality”

  1. restaurantrefugee Says:

    Forget about Tylenol PM, bourbon is much more effective.

    Isn’t bourbon is for minor league insomnia? I’m in the majors right now.

  2. suz Says:

    Maybe you should lay off the booze, alkie.

    Also, shouldn’t insomnia equal more blog posts?

    I kid, I kid. I hope you can get some sleep soon.

    This alkie had zero beverages of that nature this weekend. Maybe the insomnia is withdrawal? Or is that the shakes?

  3. LiLu Says:

    We are two of the same, my lady. Now at least I know who to call at 4am…

    We can watch Britney Spears together!

  4. charlotteharris Says:

    oh no girl, insomnia is an awful feeling. i dunno, maybe lay off the diet coke too so there’s no caffeine keeping you up tonight?

    I stopped the intake an hour and 54 minutes ago. Not that I’m counting or anything…

  5. Malnurtured Snay Says:

    Ram your head ten times into a brick of plaster wall. You’ll have a headache when you wake up, but you’ll be out for at least a day. Guaranteed!

    If I’m still awake at 2 a.m. tonight, I very well might.

  6. Brett Says:

    go lie on your bed and do yoga breaths. until you fall asleep. or into a deeeeep meditative trance.

    or have a few drinks after work, and pass out.

    I think I need Buddha to come teach me because my deep breathing isn’t doing it.

  7. Gilahi Says:

    Apparently you’re so tired that you can’t tell the difference between a sentence and a paragraph. You should sleep. I agree with Restaurant Refugee, bourbon’s the trick. Or a good single-malt.

    Upon reflection, I might not be able to tell even when fully rested.

  8. Laina Says:

    Watch golf. It’s like watching paint dry.

    Must locate ESPN on my TV.

  9. sofarleft Says:

    Good news! It’s the holidays, and many stores are open 24 hours. If you can’t sleep, SHOP!

    It’s my contribution to the economy!

  10. laura Says:

    Since I’m now a mom, I’m exercising my right to enter “bossy mom mode:”
    1. No caffeine after 3-4 pm.
    2. A drink (or four) can help you fall asleep, but, but BUT…it will not necessarily help you stay asleep. And the sleep you do get isn’t restful sleep. There’s science behind this. Just go with it.
    3. Exercise. I’ve heard this can, in fact, make you sleep better. All it does for me is make me unable to move/want to die the next day, but apparently if you push past the initial pain, it can be a good thing. Disclaimer: I have never experienced this phenomenon in the last, oh, 10 or so years….
    4. If exercise isn’t your thing, maybe try yoga? I’m sure netflix has a yoga dvd
    you can trial-run.
    5. The Weather Channel is a close second to watching golf on tv on the boredom scale, (except when its hurricane season). AND, every 10 minutes is the Local Forecast, so it’s like falling into a slow, hypnotic trance on a 10 minute cycle.
    6. Journal or make a list. I’m sure you probably already journal, but if stress is keeping you up, maybe writing it all out (ala stream of consciousness…screw syntax and proper grammar) will ease your mind a bit. I’m a list maker. I run through things I have to do for the next week, or even the grocery list, in my head, and if i don’t write it down, I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m going to forget something on my list.
    7. Could you just get on the metro and start riding? Like how babies fall asleep in cars, could you just hunker down in a corner and pass out?

    /end “bossy-mom-mode,” and longest comment ever

    Hope you can sleep soon!

    I can’t wait ’til you have more kids!

  11. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    Some of my best (or, at least, I think it’s my best) blogging happens in the wee small hours of the morning when I’m WIDE awake. Why can’t I be that brilliant (or, at least, I think I’m brilliant) during regular hours?

    I have no advice for you. I hear sex works for some people. Or maybe a glass of warm milk? Or a hot shower?

    The obvious answer is therapy. If you’re up, my guess is, the gerbils in your head are running at 90 mph on their little wheels and keeping you up. Nothing like a little time on the couch to exorcise those little demons.

    See? I’m no help. Next time you’re up at 3:00 a.m., come over to my place. We’ll watch Barbara Stanwyck and Kirk Douglas on TCM. (Can you guess what I was doing the other night? Uh. Yeah.)

    How do you know about my secret obsession with TCM? How?

  12. Jennifer Says:

    Quoting Laura: “7. Could you just get on the metro and start riding? Like how babies fall asleep in cars, could you just hunker down in a corner and pass out?”

    Somehow, with the other Metro stories you’ve told here, I don’t think this would be safe. Besides getting the black plague, you may end up being the one drooled upon, instead of the droolee.

    I actually considered it, because it happens. There are Sleepers all the time. But it’s still not on the Mom-approved Mass Transit Safety List.

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