Today’s Metro Lesson: If The Escalator Doesn’t Kill Ya, The Germs Will

Yesterday. Somewhere between Foggy Bottom and Farragut West: Gash the hell out of my thumb on mysteriously sharp ad holder thing by the Metro train door. Bleed profusely. Briefly consider sucking on cut as form of self-triage. Reject idea based on potential oral acquisition of Metro Death Germs.

Escalator at Farragut West: Hold rail as stand on right. Notice hand is consequently black and grimy. Realize attainment of Metro Dirt near wound does not portend good things. As walk to office, forswear lady like behavior and spit numerous times on thumb injury. Hope this will delay onset of gangrene.

At Place of Lawyerly Things: Wash hand and employ liberal amounts of anti-bacterial gel. Definition of liberal: the approximately 1.8 ounces remaining in bottle.

At Place of Lawyerly Things, ten minutes later: Question Metro Germ conquering abilities of generic anti-bacterial gel. Seek out Lawyerly First Aid Kit.

At Place of Lawyerly Things, having located First Aid Kit: No Neosporin or alcohol (for rubbing or for courage). Ditto, no band-aids. Apparently, the office administrator thinks lawyers really don’t bleed. Determine life saving trip to CVS is required. Now.

At CVS: Spend $8.91 on germinator supplies.

At Place of Lawyerly Things bathroom: Call on all nuggets of medical wisdom garnered from ten seasons of ER fandom. Also recall some bits from Scrubs and Grey’s Anatomy. Reject Grey’s knowledge because bathroom is not sufficiently hygienic operating theater when Phone Sex Operation shares the facilities. Begin medical intervention.

At Place of Lawyerly Things, later that afternoon: Thumb status check. No visible signs of improvement. This does not look good.

At Place of Lawyerly Things, even later: Nope. Not good at all. Re-administer remedies.

After work: Determine that vodka kills everything. Mass consumption is only sure way to ensure survival and still possibly keep all my digits. Proceed accordingly.

Chez Apartment, in the wee hours: Remove bandage for evaluation of injury. Must squint to see clearly due to Vodka Eyes. Notice red streak from epicenter of gash to where thumb joins hand. Decide this must be monitored. Drunkenly decide it’s a swell idea to mark where infection is located. This will allow proper a.m. evaluation of aggressiveness of infection. Draw big lines around thumb with red marker. Apply more Neosporin.

Ches Apartment, in the even wee-er horus: Awake to Bionic Kitty licking Neosporin. Gross. Try to make her go away but too drunk to fight 20 pounds of determined cat.

Next morning: Thumb angry red color. Decide I will send Metro a helpful suggestion type email, advising they install Purell misters on all train cars and in high-traffic areas.

Next morning, a few minutes later, contemplating options after realizing redness of thumb indicates situation is grave: Amputate? Call 911? Protracted soak in vat of penicillin?

Still the next morning, but now two minutes later: Decide drastic measures can wait until after shower. Hopefully this will also encourage the return of sobriety.

While engaging in cleanliness: Red mysteriously disappearing. In fact, realize there is no cause for alarm over state of thumb. Hmmm. Water cure? Or has an inexplicable image of the Virgin Mary appeared in the soap scum?

Upon further reflection: From depths of vodka haze, vaguely recall liberal application of a red marker to entire general thumb area. That must account for red color.

And also: Remember Bionic Kitty licked thumb in dead of night. Perhaps her saliva holds Bionic disease fighting properties? Does this mean Bionic Kitty has triumphed over Metro Ebola? Yes! It’s a miracle! All hail!

Finally: Return to bed. Too drunk lucid thought.

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10 Responses to “Today’s Metro Lesson: If The Escalator Doesn’t Kill Ya, The Germs Will”

  1. restaurantrefugee Says:

    Lawyers bleed?

    Allegedly.

  2. Doug Says:

    I only thought lawyers sucked blood.

    Great post… glad you will end up keeping all digits attached to your hand 😉

    Lawyers and Twilighters. Guess which one I am?

  3. lacochran Says:

    I’m headed to Farragut West tonight. And now I’m frightened. *eyes dart left and right*

    Bring hand sanitizer.

  4. LiLu Says:

    20 pounds of determined cat? Might as well be the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters. You made the right choice.

    She’s much softer than the marshmallow man, but more destructive.

  5. suz Says:

    Have you considered submitting your life to Big Brother? I kind of think you should have a camera following you around most of the time.

    Wait for the book! Or maybe I should get a web cam and live stream?

  6. Herb Says:

    Next time just stick your thumb in the vodka.

    And then drink it!

  7. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    Is it wrong that I laughed?

    And darn Mr. Refugee. He stole my question!

    No, you can laugh. Because if it weren’t me, I’d laugh.

  8. f.B Says:

    ugh. last time i saw someone bleeding profusely on the metro it was a nosebleed. and the guy wiped it all over a pole. i haven’t grabbed a metro pole since.

    Ew.Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

  9. Fiery Nuggets Says:

    You are HILARIOUS!

    Why, thank you.

  10. Complete&reg Antibacterial Foaming Hand Wash 7 1/2 Oz. Pump Bottle 8/carton Says:

    […] Todays Metro Lesson If The Escalator Doesnt Kill Ya, The Germs ltbgt…ltbgt(01 January 2009) Apparently, the ltbgtofficeltbgt administrator thinks lawyers really dont bleed. Determine life saving trip to CVS is required. Now. At CVS Spend 8.9… […]

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