Bionic Cereal Consumption

Frosted flakes one

Nothing is sacred. Not even my breakfast.

Bionic Kitty will eat anything. In the past, her dietary adventrues have encompassed various power cords, four raw eggs, Iams bags, several used tampons (yeah, I know, right?), my pet fish, cupcakes, an entire package of lavender post-its including the cellophane, one poinsettia and on multiple occasions, her own poop. If it’s in the house, she considers it nutritional fair game. Yet, she’s not deprived. The vet’s had repeated talks with me about diets, limiting treats and the diminished life expectancy of overweight felines. When the vet mentioned that last one, I know she meant it to be serious and dire, like a personalized PSA meant to scare me into watching Bionic’s caloric intake. I could almost hear the ominous James Earl Jones voiceover proclaiming, “Your Cat, Kibble… And YOU!” But it had the opposite effect. It was more like when I saw a STD commercial around age ten. I was all, “Herpes! That sounds fun! I bet Madonna has that. How do I get one?” So, when the vet mentioned life expectancy, I secretly resolved to up Bionic Kitty’s daily allotment of Friskies Crunchy Hairball Remedy Cat Treats. I love her and all, but if I can end this Pet Ownership Hell a few years early, who would really judge me? Especially after I recently caught Bionic Kitty ravaging a brand spankin’ new box of Frosted Flakes, which I consequently had to throw it out. It was totally contaminated by cat slobber.

BK head in box

Bionic Kitty determines the best method of attack. Sun Tzu ain't got nothing on her.

really in the box

Bionic Kitty's Ostrich Mentality: If I can't see you, you can't see me. And therefore, you don't know I am being a pain in the ass.

playing iwth food

Ha! Got one!

nom nom nom

Nom nom nom.

ummmmm

Yes, Virgina, Frosted Flakes are good.

lick lips

Must. Get. All. Remnants.

share damn it

Number Two: Share, damn it!

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9 Responses to “Bionic Cereal Consumption”

  1. LiLu Says:

    “Yes, Virgina, Frosted Flakes are good.”

    I freakin HATE that commercial. It’s makes me want to pull of Donald’s hair piece and beat Martha over the head with it. After drowning Virginia in the mall fountain.

    Whoops, that got dark. I need some Frosted Flakes.

    You’ll have to arm wrastle the cat for ’em.

  2. Lemmonex Says:

    I kind of hate cats. Sorry.

    This just gives me more reason.

    So, I should cross you off my list of possible adoptive cat parents?

  3. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    And I thought Bee’s cat was weird for eating Doritos and pineapple, but this takes the cake! Or cereal, as the case may be.

    She’d be in the Doritos, too, if I didn’t bash her head in every time she gets near people food. (PETA, I am KIDDING. Love pat. Love pat only.)

  4. TL Says:

    My cat likes fruit roll-ups. That’s the most exotic he’ll get, thankfully.

    Ummmmm…. Fruit Roll-Ups….

  5. Jennifer Says:

    “My” first cat (we’d had dozens of family cats before this) was a 3 week old kitten I had to bottle feed every three hours. We took him to the vet when his belly kept getting bigger and bigger, and found out we had to teach him to poop! *eewww*

    He survived this indignity of kittenhood (and my lack of parenting skills) and grew up to get his revenge by sleeping under my bed, just out of reach, and snoring all night long. I swear that I can sleep through my husband’s snoring thanks to that cat.

    Also, you could not leave fresh fruit or veggies out around him. He not only ate the ripening tomatoes on the windowsill, but he ate through the rind of a cantelope to get to the fruit inside.

    Oh, yeah, the best part… He was quite a gassy kitten – due to the bloating and not pooping – so when my mom went to get his license, she put his name down as “Fuzzy Fart”.

    Our cats are very possibly related. I am not kidding.

  6. deutlich Says:

    Oh. My goodness. That made me laugh much harder than I think you may have intended.

    Just as long as you didn’t snort Diet Coke through your nose and onto the monitor…

  7. Kevin Says:

    “I love her and all, but if I can end this Pet Ownership Hell a few years early, who would really judge me?”

    Certainly not me.

    Wanna cat? Free to a good home…

  8. suz Says:

    Oh, you know you love it! She gives you so much amusing blog fodder after all…

    I do love her. But then she pukes/eats what she shouldn’t/causes general mayhem/other.

  9. suz Says:

    Also, I just remembered the time my cat came tromping into my room chewing on my former roommate’s used condom…confirming my suspicion that Spencer is, in fact, a swallower. Cats are so sick.

    HAHAHHAHA!

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