TMI Thursday: Where I Over Share For Your Pleasure, Vol. 4

This one’s about eCrush. Just too good not to share…

eCrush loves to shower together. He thinks it’s cute and coupley, but I pretty much hate his constant desire to achieve synchronized cleanliness. I subscribe to the Shower Time Is Solitary school. Otherwise, it’s like Gilbert and Sullivan Make A Porno. You know, topsy-turvy bathroom absurdity. Yet, despite my misgivings, I often get suckered into platonic showering. This morning was no different. When eCrush suggested we freshen up ala deux, I figured what the heck? We were both running late so it would save time, keep us from the who-gets-all-the-hot-water debate and I could stop him from dulling up my Venus Mach 87 Triple Action Gold Plated Razor on his face.

Everything was as god awful comfortable as double showering could be until I denied eCrush the water stream for too long. He started to hop in place, trying to stave off hypothermia while I took my sweet time with the loofah. I happened to glance down while he was in mid-jump. Seven Loyal Readers Who Are Male, spare yourself the indignity. Don’t jump in the shower. It does not portray your man bits in the best light. In fact, it sorta looks like a three-year-old wiggling a withered hot dog. Appalled, I promptly switched shower spots. In the process I got elbowed about 97 times. I swear, eCrush steps into the tub and he mutates into Doc Ock. Its elbows for everyone! But the best part was when I realized the light, filtered through the shower curtain, made my cellulite glow. It was horrifying; like seeing J.Lo’s junk in a bedazzled tube dress. By the time I shampooed my hair, there was a serious personal pep talk going on. “Yes, eCrush will still want to sleep with you after this. No, eCrush does not have a problem with your shiny Jell-o ass. He probably thinks it’s luminous. eCrush likes, no, loves, Jell-o. Plus he once said he’d pay you ten dollars to jump on a trampoline naked. So the butt is probably not a big deal. And dear God, please say eCrush’s man bits did not permanently shrink to the size of craisins. Ha! craisins!” Just as my ego was regaining its foothold at eCrush’s expense, he blew it all to pieces by helpfully pointing out the single stray hair that’s evaded my razor for the last six months.

eCrush (hunkering down for a better look at my upper leg): That one is long enough for a game of Double Dutch.

Me (ready to kick him in the face. Accidentally.): I think they should sell shock collars for boyfriends; like they do for dogs. The guy says something they shouldn’t and zap! Silence!

eCrush (with puppy dog eyes): Well, if it helps, your ass looks great right now. It sparkles. Like the vampires in Twilight.

Me (incredulous does not begin to describe it): WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT THE TWILIGHT MOVIE?

eCrush (realizing his mistake): Or so I hear.

And that’s when I knew MY BOYFRIEND HAD GONE TO SEE TWILIGHT.

Ego? Restored.

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13 Responses to “TMI Thursday: Where I Over Share For Your Pleasure, Vol. 4”

  1. Lyssabits Says:

    What the hell is it with guys and sharing the shower? My husband has been trying to unsuccessfully talk me into this for the 6 years I’ve been with him. It’s not as sexy as they think, it’s just cold, crowded, and stressful. My hair always ends up only half-rinsed coz he wants the water. I hate showering with another person!

    Amen!

  2. LiLu Says:

    You totally, TOTALLY win on that one.

    I don’t get the guys-and-showering thing either. You really wanna see me hoist one leg up on the side of the tub and go at it with a razor? Be my guest, I suppose.

    What was that movie with Brendan Fraser? Harvard something? Where he says he wants to the girl’s razor? Never understood.

  3. lacochran Says:

    Men. *shakes head*

    Oh, and according to the commercials: there’s always room for Jello.

    Only if it’s orange.

  4. Gilahi Says:

    What? What’s so hard to understand? Nudity. Slick, soapy bodies. Togetherness. What’s not to like? I will say, though, that if a guy is lucky enough to entice his partner into the shower, then the very least he can do is not whine about not getting the hot water. If your partner is going to give in to one of your little whims, the least you can do is be a little gallant about it.

    Can I send him to you for boyfriend lessons?

  5. suz Says:

    I, too, am with the laydeez on this one. I do not get couples showers (unless they’re into those, you know, other kinds of showers). It only works if you’re still in the “I want to be naked with you all the time” part of the relationship. Otherwise its just a pain in the friggin jell-o ass.

    PS: The movie is called With Honors and I totally own it.

    Reason 3,691 why I adore you.

  6. Lyssabits Says:

    Only time I’ve been satisfied with the dual-showering experience was the first shower we took after returning home from our 36-hour-plane-trip-from-hell back from a friend’s wedding in India. But in that instance, the dual-showering arose from the fact that neither of us would cede the First Shower rights to the other. That shower was probably the most pleasurable experience of my life, but sadly, that pleasure had very little to do with the fact that there was a slick, soapy male body in there with me and lot more to do with the fact that my hair and clothing still smelled like India and I’d been in them for way, way too long.

    First Shower Rights. Loves. Adding it to my vocabulary.

  7. lifebreathedeasier Says:

    This was hilarious; thank you so much for sharing! The Twilight ending killed me!

    It almost killed me when I was living it…

  8. E Says:

    re: “Appalled, I promptly switched shower spots.” He was using strategy there. Possibly.

    eCrush? Don’t know if he’s that wily.

    Also, he could have just heard about Twilight from a zillion other people but think it he saw it stealthily is more amusing.

    No, he later admitted he’d taken his cousin as a favor to his aunt when he was recently out of town. Why he failed to mention it to me, I have no idea.

    And, ok, so we’ve seen the tights, we’ve seen the bionic kitty, and we’ve seen the tights. When do we see you and eCrush?

    He and I have a deal. He’s forever anonymous and I can write (almost) whatever I want. I’m attempting renegotiation but it’s not going well since I keep writing stuff comparing him to craisins.

  9. Laina Says:

    I heart showering together. If you’d stop worrying about getting yourselves clean and start worrying about getting EACH OTHER clean, it’s much more fun. 😉 Oh, and shave after he gets out.

    May I remind you of my limited hot water supply…

  10. Me Says:

    To continue the conversation from last night, I am never coming out of the cyber closet now. Not after this one.

    Sigh. What if I change craisins to tennis balls?

    Also, if you write about what I think you’re going to write about, there is no way. This is your notice.

    I told you that I’d give you prior review…

    Other than that, I love you.

    Wedgies!

    Wet Willies! XO

  11. - Are You Riled Up? - » Blog Archive » Tmi Thursday: Where I Over Share For Your Pleasure, Vol. 4 « Who … Says:

    […] Like the vampires in Twilight . Me (incredulous does not begin to describe it): WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT THE TWILIGHT MOVIE? eCrush (realizing his mistake): Or so I hear. And that’s when I knew MY BOYFRIEND HAD GONE TO SEE TWILIGHT . …[Continue Reading] […]

  12. Daniel Says:

    I would like to note that the only time I showered with a woman it was her decision…. I was happily soaping and cleaning away and all of a sudden I hear the door open/close and then boom she was in there.
    I am with y’all… its too darn crowded in there and except for some making out potential all it means is that I am not going to get as clean as I wanted….

  13. Lyssabits Says:

    Oh c’mon eCrush, each crazy entry just makes the girls love you a little bit more. 😉 Well, maybe that’s just me. I have a soft spot for teh crazy.

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