The Best of Intentions

Little Brother and Sister-In-Law-To-Be’s wedding is in six months and I have no desire to be immortalized in the pictures looking like a bloated Jersey Cow. It’s a pretty sure bet my mother is going to prominently display a super sized family wedding photo over the mantel, sort of like her personal altar of hope dedicated to the new baby makers. I’m going to have to look at that picture until my mother is able to replace it with a life-sized glossy of her first grandchild. And that ETA? At least five years, unless Little Sister pulls out a surprise finish in the Reproduction Race or human cloning is legalized. Frankly, that’s way too long to stare at my extra wide bedonkadonk encased in peony.

Thus, I recently developed My Personal Two Step Guide To Eradicating My Front Butt. Step one: eat less chocolate/fried stuff/cheese/bread/cupcakes/chocolate/Twix. Step two: exercise more. And by that I mean actually start exercising. Plus, stop taking cabs for all transportation ventures under a mile and a half. The plan went into effect last night.

For about five minutes, it went well. My Skinny Resolve held strong and I convinced myself that I wouldn’t die a slow, grueling death if I walked home from The Second Job That Keeps Me Sane; that a walk would make an ideal first step on my cardiovascular journey. I ambled the one point one miles home, only mildly cursing about the rain and my lack of proper foot wear. Despite a few pink Crocs/puddles mishaps, the Thinner Quest was off to a good start and I was so proud of me, I attempted a self-butt slap. Except when I got back to Chez Apartment, I decided to cook dinner. Keep in mind, my kitchen skills basically consistent of microwave, dial Papa Johns, and make deluxe ice cream sundaes. I should have known better than to attempt a veggie pizza from scratch. After an hour, when I finally battled the smoke alarm into submission, I was exhausted and gave into the easy allure of French Fries. Just French Fries. On a plate. With a glass of cherry Kool-Aid. For dinner. Sigh. While technically oven-baked and therefore, not actually forbidden under the “fried stuff” category, I’m pretty sure the meal went against the spirit of the Look Good In Peony Plan.

Also, I meant to go to the gym and reintroduce myself to the treadmill before watching True Blood yesterday evening. Problem was I reintroduced myself to the crazy kids of The O.C. instead. For seven hours, I drooled over Benjamin McKenzie and hated on Mischa Barton’s super strength will power, which enables her to turn down everything but macrobiotic foods. At 2 a.m., after I accepted that Mischa would always have visible collarbones and Benjamin‘s only facial expression was the Poor Man’s James Dean, I went to bed, promising myself I’d wake up and go to the gym. Yeah, right. That so did not happen.

And now it’s lunchtime. Chiptole beckons. But I will be strong, damn it. Because peony? It’s not my friend.


6 Responses to “The Best of Intentions”

  1. Jocelyn Says:

    It’s actually somewhat good that your diet isn’t great, because it will make the weight come off faster when you eat better. Salads and green veggies! Fruit! Water!

    And I probably should cut back on the Ranch dressing, too…

  2. Brett Says:

    What if you watch TV while on the treadmill? I find that keeps me going even when I just don’t feel like it.

    Also? French fries? Alone? not your friend. At least add some protein. You, my dear, need to go food shopping for some produce. And no sugary drinks!!!

    Trying to sound encouraging, hoping not to sound condescending. But think how great you felt when you could pat yourself on the back. Find more ways to be proud of yourself every day.

    Also, I need to learn to cook. And I’m proud of myself 98% of the time. Just not when peony is staring me down…

  3. suz Says:

    Invest in salad. No cooking required. Plus you can just heat up a chicken breast and toss it on there. What helped me was protein + veggies + exercise. And I went to Curves, not a scary gym. One of my friends has lost like…140 pounds or something crazy over the past year or so and it’s because she’s cut out fried foods completely as well as fatty/sugary foods for the most part. She doesn’t exercise but does babysit every day so it’s probably the same thing. You know also helps? Not boozin it up! Good luck with that. ; p

    I have vision of you in peony sans front butt. But even if you have a front butt you’ll still look hot.


  4. J.M. Tewkesbury Says:

    I have the same problem: good intentions, no follow through. At least in your case, you have peony staring you down. I have… Well… Nothing. Except felling older, more tired, and breathless. (And not in a good way, mind you.) That said, though, I’ve dropped 15 pounds just by cutting out soda, drinking more water, eating smaller portions, and going for walks every once in a blue moon. My goal for 2009? Jettison the car and get a bike. (Bwahahahahahaha. Yeah, right. Like that’s gonna happen.)

    For what it’s worth, I think you have a lovely figure, front butt and all.

    Can I hug you? Please?

  5. sofarleft Says:

    I have played the “I’ll be skinny in time for (fill in with upcoming public spectacle involving shiny dress and skinny women standing next to me clad in same)” game before. Many times. I have failed miserably every time – and I hate doing things that doom me to failure (bowling and mini-golf, I’m looking at you). So, I don’t do those things any more. EVER.

    But here’s the good news – you can still enjoy the peony-shiny dress event because there will be liquor (even if you have to sneak it in. Totally worth it.), and bridesmaids always get laid. ALWAYS. Especially hot, curvy bridesmaids with ample “ladies” that can barely be contained by peony-shiny fabric.

    So call me when you settle in for your next plate of fries – I’ll bring the wine and cupcakes 🙂

    Yeah, I’m not sure how long this phase will last, but when it does, you’re my first call.

  6. AnonaEsq Says:


    No one ever looks good in peony no matter what size they are.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: