Publicly Addressing eCrush’s Clothing: A Cyber Outing

I sometimes think eCrush is my manicorn. You know, the elusive and fabled perfect guy. It’s as if he were specifically designed by Jerry Maguire to complete me. Except then eCrush does something to bring me back to reality. Like eat my super secret stash of emergency chocolate and not replace it, thereby leaving me to suffer during times of severe chocolate need. Or he’ll violate my Biggest Pet Peeve Ever and not refill the Brita. When this happens, my frustrated screams can be heard all the way to Ballston. And I particularly hate when eCrush employs the environmentally friendly but none-the-less disgusting “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” toilet rule. Gross. Just gross. But all these Highly Annoying Things can all be filed under General Guy Stupidity or Personal Quirks and thus, overlooked. eCrush’s semimonthly fashion cataclysm is an entirely different issue.

Generally, eCrush is a well dressed, conservative, soon-to-be-30-something. His wardrobe is heavy on the Izod, Pink, Theory and Versace. He has a Ferragamo fetish and an obsession with 7 Diamonds. Once or twice, I’ve caught eCrush on the Nordstrom website, checking out the Men’s Contemporary section. I always know when he’s logged on, because he acts all 007 secretive and studies each page intently. It’s similar to when he checks out on-line porn, except then he clicks through at warp speed and wants to immediately adjourn to the bedroom versus Pentagon City.

But randomly, eCrush will wear something which negates his previous fashion street cred and causes extreme bafflement. Like when he broke out the madras pants. Or the other day, when he sported a Lilly Pulitzer shirt complete with popped collar. (This, of course, is a look only fabulous gay men in Miami can successfully pull off.) Then there was the time eCrush wore a silver belt. And being match inclined, silver shoes. I made him change before we left Chez Apartment. There was no way I was going to defend his honor when he was wearing shoes Dorothy’s Oklahoma cousin would be proud of.

Last night was another Fashion Suicide. eCrush showed up wearing acceptable clothing from neck to ankle. Including a coat appropriate to the weather, which was cold enough to freeze the balls off a Saint Bernard. He walked into Chez Apartment, took off his coat, and stepped into the kitchen. Which is when I heard the whoosing sound unique to flip flops. Apparently, eCrush was wearing “dress flops.” That would be the flip flop you can wear with a nice outfit because they are expensive and/or clean and/or formal appropriate. When eCrush explained this to me, my response was something along the lines of, “If you say so, Frodo Feet.” Yes, I am winning Girlfriend Points.

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8 Responses to “Publicly Addressing eCrush’s Clothing: A Cyber Outing”

  1. lacochran Says:

    I’m picturing flip-flops with blue toes. Nononono. No.

    He’s lucky his toesies didn’t fall off.

  2. Lemmonex Says:

    The madras kinda fits in with the whole preppy thing, no?

    Preppy, yes. Socially acceptable, no.

  3. Herb Says:

    I’ve defended eCrush’s stylings in the past but there is no excuse for flip-flops anywhere except the beach.

    I wonder what I’d have said if he’d shown up in Crocs…

  4. j.m. tewkesbury Says:

    Oh dear. Despite all the efforts of the Queer Eye guys, some metrosexuals are still gonna fall short. He obviously missed the entire episode on how inappropriate flip flops are in all settings except at the beach and at the gym and in the privacy of your own home when no one is looking. Good thing he has you!

    Note to Self: Track down DVD…

  5. laura Says:

    As someone who recently went into public wearing 10 year old brown birkenstok clogs, I feel I have forfeited right to judge his footwear. However, in my defense, I didn’t realize I was wearing them (I usually only wear them around the house), and was focusing on getting out the door with a baby. And my feet were insanely comfy. Hmph.

    Sigh…

  6. LiLu Says:

    It could have been worse… they could have been Crocs.

    OMG. Now it’s out in the universe and you know it’s going to happen. And it’s all your fault!

  7. Laina Says:

    Silver shoes?! WTF? The flip flops were definitely an improvement. Besides, my flip flop rule is March-November, so he’s still within the confines of appropriate behavior.

    As a March-November adherent, in theory I agree. Except that he wore them to work. You know, like real work. In DC. The Capital of Conservative. And in 30 degree weather.

  8. Zandria Says:

    “Frodo feet!” Love it. 🙂

    LOL, at least until you have to look at ’em.

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