Things I’ve Recently Learned From My Spam Email

  • Only my confirmation is needed.
  • My penis size is average. And it wants to be better.
  • I can fix my male pattern baldness.
  • My earning potential is unlimited. Especially if I invest in black market stock derivatives.
  • I am constipated.
  • I have a love weapon!
  • And a stick of pleasure!
  • I want to start a home business selling goldfish. This will lead to real money and early retirement.
  • My true love is the 350 pound mullet-sporting theater nerd from high school.
  • My secret life as a Goth Swinger is actually not-so-secret.
  • Approval is always guaranteed.
  • If I break the chain, I will incur 83 years of bad luck. But that can be avoided for a mere $19.95 plus shipping and handling.
  • Big Things are going on. Big, big Things.
  • I too can become a Real Man.
  • My previously unknown friend Sharon loved the results.
  • Lagos Nig is the newest state admitted to the Union and I can get the commemorative coin and plate to prove it.
  • My shooting volume is inadequate.
  • I dig Russian mail order brides.
  • This breakthrough formula is only available for a limited time. Which means forever.
  • My future happiness lies in penal enlargement.
  • The best things in life – shoes and sundry electronics – are actually free when I click this button.
  • I’ve won awards I didn’t even know existed. And yes, they can be put on my resume.
  • This last chance will in fact be followed by another last chance. Probably on Tuesday.
  • Shipping costs will be waived exclusively for me.
  • Bill Gates wants to share.

7 Responses to “Things I’ve Recently Learned From My Spam Email”

  1. Laina Says:

    About that “stick of pleasure”…can that be purchased, or are you expected to provide it? LOL

  2. suz Says:

    I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain.

  3. laura Says:

    Yeah yeah, but do you have a long-lost, rich Nigerian relative who left you millions? Because I do!

  4. Thomas Says:

    I wonder if Bill Gates will help me out with my student loans.

  5. Maxie Says:

    I’m going to give serious consideration to that goldfish idea.

  6. lacochran Says:

    If you had mentioned winning the UK lottery, too, I’d have thought you were secretly me.

    So close.

  7. Janet Says:

    Hey! Have you been hacking my email?!

    P.S. I figured out which blog entry I left a comment on: the one about your recent driving experience and towing the ZipCar. That was a priceless piece of writing! As in, MasterCard priceless. I’m sorry we both couldn’t remember that the other evening. I would have liked to have conveyed that compliment in person.

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