Weddings: Misery Dressed Up In Tulle

It seems Little Brother is engaged. And to a real woman; not the blow-up doll I always secretly expected. Naturally, I’m tickled pink about the situation. Little Brother’s fiancé is a sweetheart with a promising shoe collection and a strange willingness to join the insanity that defines my family. Also, this addition to the Thanksgiving Attendance Roster surely means that I will be bumped to the Big Kids Table at long, long last. But the real icing this engagement puts on my Cake of Life: Little Brother is the new target of my mother’s constant “how long ‘til you give me some freaking grandkids” cross-examinations. I can practically hear her setting the Nine Month Stop Watch all the way from Ohio. So, yeah, generally this engagement news makes me see gum drops and unicorns. Except for one small, itty bitty detail: I actually have to attend
this wedding. And being there is spirit doesn’t count. (I asked.)

Apparently, everybody in my family likes attending weddings. Crack smokers. And they seem particularly pumped for this one. It’s the first family wedding in my generation and there’s the bonus that my parents aren’t paying for it. But my family has never been to a wedding without an open bar or had Official Bridesmaid Duties like holding 50 pounds of tulle and lace above their head while crammed into a two foot by two foot, hygienically questionable bathroom stall with a bride breaking the seal. And I don’t think they’ve sat at the singles table, where their sorority sister’s thrice-divorced and bitchy-even-when-not-intoxicated second cousin asked them if they’re sure they’re not a lesbian because they are almost 30 and never been married. And if not a lesbian, then maybe just sexually frigid? Yeah, weddings are oodles of fun and I love them.

After the lesbian incident, I finally wised up and instituted a Personal Wedding Attendance Policy. The thought being, I if I have to shell out money for presents/travel/dress/Valium, then I should find some aspect of the wedding amusing, and preferably due to the personal humiliation of others. Or at the very least, that I be able to pound enough free drinks to dull the attendance related pain.

So now I will not go to any wedding which does not include at last two of the following:

  • An open bar
  • That awesome chair moshing thing the Jews do and/or The Chicken Dance
  • A blood relation taking vows
  • A celebrity in attendance
  • Butt bows, hats and/or parasols for the bridesmaids (the exception is, of course, when I am a bridesmaid; then the required outfit cannot be the least bit taste questionable)
  • An obnoxious theme, bonus if it requires the wedding party to dress up in tights (again, not applicable if I am in the one wearing themed clothing)
  • Kilts (this is especially appealing if it’s a fall wedding and outside, thus increasing the possibility of a strong breeze/kilt disaster)
  • Possible bride pregnancy and viciously speculating relatives
  • A budget of over $100,000 or other indicators of excessive and/or tacky ostentation (i.e. a Cinderella Princess carriage or doves)
  • A tropical destination, but only if it’s not hurricane season and the terrorist alert color is under Yellow
  • Me giving a toast or me in a white dress
  • Vegas

So the other day, when Mother gave me a tentative Save The Date, I informed her of my Attendance Policy and asked which two qualifications this wedding would meet. She explained that short of the total annihilation of the human race, there is no way I’m getting out of attending this wedding. Based on her choice words, I’m pretty sure that even if I did get mauled to death by lipstick wearing Republican pit bulls between now and June, come ceremony time, my mom would just prop my coffin up beside her and be all, “See, your little brother did it. He found somebody to reproduce with. I’m getting my grandbabies, no thanks to you. This means Little Brother’s getting the good china when I die. And you? Well, all you get is a life of barren misery and the Corelle.”

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8 Responses to “Weddings: Misery Dressed Up In Tulle”

  1. vvk Says:

    hmm… has the “Homeland Security Advisory System” ever been below yellow?…

    Just looked it up… it hasn’t. So no tropical weddings for you.

  2. LiLu Says:

    Oh, butt bows! What a great idea! Can we also do crimped side ponytails and homemade puffed sleeves??

  3. Laina Says:

    Just so you know…

    1) I have worn a butt bow. Twice. In my uncle’s two weddings. I think if he has a third, it’s assumed that I’m bad luck and I won’t have to participate, thank god.

    2) IF I have a wedding when I get married again, there will be chicken dancing.

    3) Matt owns a kilt. He would love an excuse to wear it at our wedding.

    4) I AM a celebrity. Locally. Okay…in my own mind. 😉

    I’m thinking Spring/Summer ’09. You in?

  4. kjohnsonesq Says:

    vvk: zactly!

    LiLu: It’s a natural part of the aesthetic.

    Laina: Get a ring first, then we’ll negotiate terms. The Chicken Dance is a big draw.

  5. freckledk Says:

    My little brother is also recently engaged. He and his bride are having a *gasp* DRY WEDDING.

    I’m not going. Not without a flask and a bottle of valium.

  6. Laina Says:

    I’ve been to two dry weddings. Hit the groomsmen up–a lot of grooms give a flask as a gift, and of course they want to try it out. 😉

  7. Laina Says:

    Oh, and be patient, my precious. Probably around the holidays. 😀

  8. Maxie Says:

    I’m kind of loving your list…and I may start using it as my own. I can put up with just about anything if there is an open bar though. I’d even wear a butt bow for one.

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