Bionic Bouncy Glitter Ball

The Second Job That Keeps Me Sane is currently selling bouncy balls laced with crack. Well, I’m pretty sure they’re not actually drug infested, but the darn things are bizarrely addictive. In fact, they’ve joined pizza wheels, pink highlighters and Go-gurt in the Pantheon of Stuff I Unexplainably Love and Am Compelled to Buy at Every Possible Opportunity. Now, Seven Loyal Readers, before you get all judgey about a near-30-year-old with a bouncy ball fetish, keep in mind these bouncy balls are filled with… wait for it…GLITTER! Swirly, whirly globs of green and pink and iridescent sparkle! Pretty! Like a snow globe, but with oomph and no pesky NYC skylines to ruin the snow-fun.

And did I mention the things have the perfect amount of bounce? I know because I’ve spent several shifts ignoring avoiding being highly attentive to customers while bouncing a ball up and down the aisles. I am secretly convinced these are NASA-developed bouncy balls. Because they seem to have some insidious microchip that rebounds the ball specifically to arm level and straight into your hand, thus making you believe that after 30 years, you really do have eye/hand coordination and all those years suffering through gym class dodge ball were just leading up to these moments of bouncing ability glory.

Being totally infatuated with the darn balls, I bought one two five and I finally got around to letting them loose in Chez Apartment yesterday afternoon. In case you were wondering, there is nothing as entertaining on a blahish Sunday afternoon as watching cats and bouncy balls. Bionic Kitty and Number Two chased those things for HOURS.

Seven Loyal Readers, how about we fast forward to the part where my cats rain down havoc and general horribleness into my life via glitter bouncy ball? Because you know it’s coming and that’s the entire point of this post. Ready? OK!

So, I leave the kitchen in the middle of making dinner, step in something wet and look down to see my foot swimming in a glob of green sparkle. Glitter is Ev. Re. Where. It looked like Liberace exploded magic fairy glitter over the entire place. Paw print glitter tracks speckled the carpet. Streaks of green were on the couch, chair and windows. A glitter sheen covered the coffee table and remote control. It was on the walls, the bookshelves, the plant leaves, even the TV screen. I now know glitter is one of those things that has the amazing ability to reproduce itself quickly and spontaneously. Like rabbits, but to the zillionth degree. There is no other explanation for the amount of glitter that covered my apartment. Not all that glitter could come from one bouncy ball without rapid regeneration and cats spreading it around like Taiwanese whores. And the cats…Oh, the cats…

As I stood surveying my new Kingdom of Sparkle, Bionic Kitty rolled in the glitter epicenter. She looked at me like, “Where have you been hiding this stuff all these years? This is SO MUCH BETTER than catnip! I’m all twinkly! I’m dazzling! Hell, I’m EFFERVESCENT! ” And of course, that was the exact moment Number Two burst another bouncy ball. As the mushroom cloud of pink glitter began to settle, I mentally crossed bouncy balls from my Obsessions List and headed for the cleaning supplies. Hoo freaking Ray.


11 Responses to “Bionic Bouncy Glitter Ball”

  1. LiLu Says:

    I am still jealous of your kittehs, no matter what they destroy.

  2. Stella Says:

    I plan to reference this story next time you plead your case for why I should allow you and your Psycho Cats to move into my fab apartment.

  3. Herb Says:

    You do know that there will be glitter in your place for years now. Perhaps you should consider subletting to a drag queen. I could get you a couple of names if you are interested.

  4. Cindy Says:

    I so want one of these bouncy balls! I keep a stash of toys in my office for play… scratch that… for enhancing my creativity. A sparkly bouncy ball is exactly what I need.

    How big is it? And where can I get one?

  5. Cindy Says:

    Never mind… I just clicked the link. I am ordering one! Pink and sparkly… love it.

  6. kjohnsonesq Says:

    LiLu: You want ’em so I can move in with Stella?

    Stella: Come on, glitter is FUN! And I’m really good at cleaning up. Never underestimate the power of a neurotically A-type girl with a Dyson to rectify all cat-related disasters!

    Herb: We might be talking soon…

    Cindy: Might I also recommend this:

    and this:

  7. Laina Says:

    Can I just tell you how interesting it is to me that you and my four-year old have the same obsessions? Gogurt and bouncy balls, LMAO.

  8. suz Says:

    Remind me not to let my dog have this when I go buy one to replace my totally drab (but handmade) rubber band ball.

    Hello, Kodak moment.

  9. laura Says:

    I’ll vouch for her borderline neurotic cleaning capabilities. She’s a machine, I tell you! Our college apartment was always nice and clean….and it wasn’t because I went out of my way to make it that way. And that was with a cheap, old, vacuum. I can only imagine what she could accomplish with a Dyson. : )

  10. kjohnsonesq Says:

    Laina: Maturity is overrated.

    Suz: Could you imagine what my cats would do with a rubber band ball? I’m flashing to the vet talking about the ingestion of 200 rubber bands and the consequent intestinal block, which I will of course shell out $5K to fix.

    Laura: I’m using you as a roommate reference. Please don’t mention that one time…

  11. Leon Says:

    What link? I really REALLY want that bouncy ball. It sounds fun.

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