The Puker

I admit I didn’t have high hopes for my Saturday night eHarmony date. Not much excites me about a 5’3” guy who writes emails in instant message speak and lists decoupage among his hobbies. But in the interest of Getting Back Out There (and – I never claimed to be a good person – partially to recoup the cost of my eHarmony membership via free food), I accepted his invitation.

We met at Whitlows, the first date location of choice for all Arlington-based males. ( I should know; I’ve had five first date dinners there in the last year.) As usual with on-line dating, there was the Reassessment Period. You know, when you mutually take inventory of all the things different from the circa 2001 pictures. In this instance, Date was actually more like 5’ even, he had a Trumponian comb-over and was wearing pleated khakis. For the Two Loyal Readers Who Are Males: if you wear pleated khakis, women won’t have sex with you. Just sayin’.

Eventually, Date and I were shown to a table. But before I had manged to shrug off my coat, he launched into frenzied conversation. Within seconds, he was describing his Watchmen collection, his love of Celtic music and his attempts to play the lute. Now, I will admit I have an Enya album on my iPod. It’s a holdover from my overalls-wearing, Birkenstock lovin’ college days. But the lute? Who plays the lute? I mean, do you just wake up one day and think, “Gosh, I’d really like to learn Greensleeves. Guess I’ll take up the lute!” With nothing polite to say about my date’s lute-playing aspirations, I fell back on the Smile And Nod. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the meal. When Date talked about how he lost six low-level Orcs during the Corrupted Blood Plague on World of Warcraft, I’d smile and nod. There were his stories about college summers spent selling friendship bracelets on the Ren Fair Circuit. More smile and nod. By the time Date brought up his collection of finished and framed jigsaw puzzles, I’d become the human bobble head.

After an hour and a half, we left the restaurant. I was on Smile and Nod autopilot.

Date: I’m having a walloping good time.

Me: (smile and nod)

Date: Would you like to go grab ale at Kitty O’Sheas?

Me: (smile and nod)

Date: That’s spectacular!

My Mind: Wait, pay attention. What did you just agree to? Oh my God. Did you just accidentally prolong this torture? I think you did. Crap… And wait, did he say walloping? You’re in public with a guy who used walloping as an adjective. Double crap.

At the bar, Date ordered his version of a round: one ale beer for me, two for him. (I wasn’t about to ask.) Before the bartender had totally let go, I grabbed my drink. The plan was to chug, plead the sudden onset of Ebola and make my escape. But fifteen minutes later, I hadn’t taken a sip. Instead, I’d sat fascinated as Date progressed through six beers. Yup, six in just about fifteen minutes. I suspect he would have had more, but the bartender’s pouring didn’t keep pace with Date’s rate of consumption. This drinking rapidity was wholly unexpected. Here was my WOW-loving, friendship bracelet-weaving uber-dork date, putting beers back at Frat Boy speed. The situation reeked of train wreck. With nothing better to do that night (and maybe because I’m slightly evil), I stuck around to watch the inevitable fireworks. Thankfully I didn’t have to wait too long.

As Date was reaching for number seven, he paused. Sensing something was amiss, I leaned forward on my stool, eyes all squinty, looking for any changes in his demeanor. The anticipation was killing me. Was he going to try to down this beer? Would he need to break his pace? How many could he pound before it all came back up? Slowly, Date turned to me with panic-stricken eyes and an after-dinner-mint-green tinge. Not good. Precautionary measures were clearly in order; I inched away. About two seconds later, Date dropped number seven, sort of shook all over and proceeded to vomit on the bar. That was my cue to skedaddle.

Yeah, I know I probably should have stuck around and gotten The Puker into a cab. But after two hours of listening him debate if Magneto and his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants could take the Justice League, I felt I’d put in my time, irrespective of sobriety level. Instead, I opted for home, a bottle of white and my pajamas. Plus, of course, another notch under the eHarmony Losers Tally.

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22 Responses to “The Puker”

  1. restaurantrefugee Says:

    When your loved ones gather around you in a surprise meeting, you should know two things:
    1 – the intervention is long overdue
    2 – this post is the first piece of evidence

  2. kjohnsonesq Says:

    RR: As long as there is wine, I won’t care…

  3. The Puker Says:

    […] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptI admit I didn’t have high hopes for my Saturday night eHarmony date. Not much excites me about a 5’3” guy who writes emails in instant message speak and lists decoupage among his hobbies. But in the interest of Getting Back Out There (and – I never claimed to be a good person – partially to recoup the cost of my eHarmony membership via free food), I accepted his invitation. We met at Whitlows, the first date location of choice for all Arlington-based males. ( I should know; I’ve had five fir […]

  4. Kat Says:

    I love reading your blog because it lets me get close to the crazies out there without having to let them near me. Thank you for providing the public service. Also, re:puking guy – I’m so, so sorry.

  5. LiLu Says:

    YOU MADE THIS UP. I don’t believe a freaking word of it.

    Oh wait. You’re dating in DC. YES I DO.

    I am (snort) so (giggle) so (snarf) very sorry!!!

  6. Lemmonex Says:

    I would do the exact same thing–sit back and see what the hell is going to happen.

  7. sofarleft Says:

    Oh my. Too bad there isn’t a place on eHa where you can post comments about your experiences to prevent other unsuspecting women from wasting their time on this guy. Hope you remained outside the line of fire!

  8. Ally Says:

    this can’t be real. please tell me this is stolen from some ben stiller comedy or something…

  9. Ally Says:

    ps, not everyone who plays WoW is an uberdweeb.

    (case: me?) 😉

  10. kjohnsonesq Says:

    Kat: I attract crazy. It’s like I’m their lodestone. But glad to help out the Greater Good.

    LiLu: Say it like you mean it. *wink*

    Lem: Can we be friends?

    Sofar: Let’s make our own eHarm where you can rate post-date! We’ll be rich!

    Ally: Real as I am. Unfortunately. And I know all WoW players are ubernerds. I’ve met some scrumptious ones (case: you). But I have to draw the line somewhere. Until further notice, that’s where it’s at.

  11. DCBlogs » DC Blogs Noted Says:

    […] Who Invented Roses describes her eHarmony date. The title of the post is, unfortunately, the spoiler: The Puker. […]

  12. Stella Says:

    Since I know you well enough to know this is absolutely a typical Saturday night for you, I’ll move on to the more pressing issue: just how many Ren Fair alums are there in this town??? Lord help us.

  13. AnonaEsq Says:

    So when is the second date?

  14. Herb Says:

    I’m so sorry. Maybe you should start bringing Sandra Day O’Clobber with you on first dates.

  15. Patrick Says:

    Wow I read stories like this and wonder how can anyone really think that was a good idea to drink 7 beers on a first date- and thanks for the note never to take a girl out to Whitow’s.

  16. Daniel Says:

    Oh dear lord….
    I would say he shouldn’t date outside his own kind… but… since there is something like a 3:1 ratio of men to women in that pool they have to date outside it.

  17. Arjewtino Says:

    “When Date talked about how he lost six low-level Orcs during the Corrupted Blood Plague on World of Warcraft…”

    Did you talk about how you were going to blog about the date?

  18. kjohnsonesq Says:

    Stella: They need to come with some sort of distinguishing mark so we can spot them at thirty paces.

    Anona: Ha! Wanna come?

    Herb: And maybe Mel Fesance.

    Patrick: Yeah, Witlow’s is overdone. Ditto Cafe Asia.

    Daniel: You know, they seem to be popping up everywhere…

    Arjewtino: Dating me is fair game for blog fodder. And I would have told him that if he let me get in a word. Instead, I was left smiling and nodding.

  19. Anonsky Says:

    I do the Incredulous Smile And Nod as well, thinking of life in general as a vehicle for entertainment in which it’s fine to just ride in the back seat.

    Similarly, it’s cool to actually be the fly on the wall, especially when you can successfully avoid the spatter.

    I think he must have been making up for height or something, seemingly showing off his beer capacity. There’s something Napoleonic in there.

  20. Doug Says:

    I’m so sorry I missed this. I wish you had it on video… *sigh* Welcome to DC dating, eh?

  21. dc_publius Says:

    You expose yourself in this thread. You actually knew what he was talking about since you are able to link to the random things he mentioned. So… in a sense, it sounds like the two of you are not as far apart as you describe.

  22. kjohnsonesq Says:

    DC: I actually have a previous post about being a closet geek. I embrace my inner geek, but at the same time, he was a bit too geektacular for me. Plus, never underestimate the power of Google to find links!

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