Maybe I Should Consider Wearing More Pants

Spanx make the top ten on my personal list of Best Inventions Ever. They’re somewhere after TiVo and above clumping cat litter. Thanks to Lycra and the wonders of structural engineering, they somehow manage to redistribute my fat rolls. When I’ve shoehorned myself into a pair of power panties, I look less like a mountain range and more like the Great Plains. Sure, getting them back on in the confines of a bathroom stall is challenging and breathing after a large meal can be touch and go, but it’s a small price to pay for hip to thigh fat realignment.

There is one other major problem with Spanx: they aren’t always hosiery compatible. I haven’t figured out what particular type of nylon is allergic to Spanx’s Lycra/magic blend, but something sure is. When I combine certain legwear and Spanx, I can’t keep the stupid things up. Take today for example. Wonder Admin invited me out for lunch. As we walked down L Street, I felt my red tights slowly inch their way down. Eventually I told Wonder Admin I had a situation and we needed to stop. Backed up against a store front, shielded by a homeless guy on the left and Wonder Admin on the right, I grabbed the back of my pantyhose and gave a good tug. Problem solved. But two blocks later, I was once again free falling like a teenage sk8er boy. Wonder Admin waited patiently while I yanked. Around CVS, I needed another pull-up. This time Wonder Admin pretended not to know me while I self-corrected. At wit’s end, I wrenched those things until I had a big ol’ wedgie. With any luck, I reasoned, it would take awhile for the Spanx/tights slide to occur if they had to travel all the way from inside my butt crack.

Wonder Admin and I continued to COSI. Eventually I quit asking her to stop and wait while I readjusted. It was too much effort and I could tell she was becoming increasingly annoyed. Instead, I would just hike up the back of my coat, grab a hold through my sweater dress and enact a pull-jump thing for a few steps. Occasionally, I’d hear sniggering behind us, but whatever. These things happen to me so they don’t happen to YOU, Seven Loyal Readers.

On the way back to The Place of Lawyerly Things, I was mid-tug when a voice yelled:

Nice ass, Katherine!

Why, why, WHY do I always run into eCrush when I am engaged in idiotic behavior?

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