I Will Now Be Communicating By Smoke Signal

My phone has been a trooper. Over several years, it survived three toilet incidents, Bionic Kitty’s attempt at consumption, an accidental drop down Chez Apartment’s garbage chute, and my crazed fan girl text messaging during Gossip Girl. But on Monday night, it stopped working. This has occurred before and I’ve learned the fix is a new battery. So on Tuesday morning, I dutifully went to Verizon and requested a replacement. The fine sales folks took a look at my phone, shook it a bit and said there might be bigger issues this time. Feeling a bit uneasy, I went to the Service Counter. The Service guy played with it for awhile, pushing buttons and shaking his head. Eventually, he told me told the phone itself was the problem. Basically, it had gone to Electronics Heaven and nothing, not even a new battery, was going to make it better. The Servicer compared it to the “blue screen of death,” but for phones.

So, I left the store, headed to The Place of Lawyerly Things, and started researching. After some serious interneting, I narrowed my options to two: a pink Blackberry or the LG Voyager. Over lunch, I went back to Verizon to actually hold the phones and push the buttons. For twenty minutes, I simulated texting, answering calls, and I even stretched the security cords as long as they would go so I could “lose” the phone in my purse and see how long it took to fish from the vortex. Eventually, I went with the Voyager. The Blackberry just had too many overtones of “Lawyerly,” even if it was pink and shiny. Plus, the Voyager call plan was cheaper.

I’ve had way over 48 hours with my new phone and I still can’t make it work. Every time I try to answer the phone, I somehow don’t. It rings, I push the touch screen and ask, “Can you hear me? Hello? Hellllooo? Hellloooooooohhhh?” By the third time they call back, I usually manage to pick up. But even then, I’m still not hitting the answer area on the touch screen. In desperation, my approach has become a bit more “complete coverage.” I just put my whole hand on the phone’s touch screen and sort of swirl it around, like rubbing a genie’s bottle. Seems all that contact confuses the phone and it just sends the call through. Yep, that’s me, outsmarting technology.

It also took several hours to recreate most of my phonebook. I was working from the 2003-2005 phone and my Outlook, and eventually I got most of it. But even with a contact list in place, that darn touch screen is still having its way with me. When I try to select a name from the list, it’s like jabbing at a possessed rolodex. The screen keeps moving and my finger keeps missing. I even broke out the Tips and Hints Book to walk me through recalibration, but um, if I can’t hit the screen in the right place to start with, how am supposed to hit the screen to select the calibrate option?

I also can’t figure out how to get on the internet, how to retrieve my email, the GPS function, or the alarm clock. Frankly, I am about two steps away from just throwing the thing in the toilet. It seemed to work the bugs out of my last phone just fine.


6 Responses to “I Will Now Be Communicating By Smoke Signal”

  1. pithycomments Says:

    a friend of mine has that phone and I can’t get that damn touch screen to play nice. And I have dainty lil fingers. His big grease paws have no trouble navigating it.

    Stupid misogynist phone.

  2. Herb Says:

    give me a call and I’ll see if I can help you out.

  3. vvk Says:

    You should have a few days to exchange the phone… don’t you? I tried the Voyager, and couldn’t get the touchscreen to work well enough, so I exchanged it.

    I’m happy with my LG Chocolate… but it doesn’t do all the fancy stuff the Voyager does.

  4. Stella Says:

    Touch screens = misery. My tank of an antiquated BlackBerry (complete with side scroll wheel!) will go with me to the grave.

  5. laura Says:

    If you’d like, I can send you my original cell phone (named Zach Morris) circa 2001. Then you’d have a phone that’s easy to use, AND a phone named Zach Morris.

  6. Sarah Says:

    your blog is the best part of my morning…that must say something

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: