eCrush Killed My Angry Feminist Self, or Commence PityFest ’08

Let’s get this out of the way: eCrush Boy cheated on me. Funny how several multi-hour conversations can be boiled down to a few words. But that distillation leaves out so much: how eCrush looked when he told me, his misguided but sincere attempts to make it better, how much he hates himself right now. It ignores that eCrush talked to me straight after an international flight from Paris, suitcase still in hand, and kind of smelly. And most importantly, it forgets that Life is defined by infinite shades of gray.

For a long time, I’ve thought faithfulness was a black and white issue. I viewed it as an extension of love and the mutual respect that is built between two people. Over and over again, I said if a guy ever damaged that specific form of trust, then our relationship was dead by default. Finito love. Plus, I’d have his balls on a platter; sorta my version of Sampson and Delilah.

By that logic, I should be a Lorena Bobbit-like Fury right now. My Inner Angry-Feminist should be on a take no prisoners rampage. But it’s not. As I sat listening to eCrush say the words, actually enunciating that he cheated on me, it was like having a Feelings Grenade strapped to my heart. At that moment I blew up into eighty cajillion little pieces of heartbreak, with my Inner Angry-Feminist buried under the rubble.

Two days later, I still have no energy for anger. All I want is for somebody to explain how to put Me back together. Realistically, I know that the only thing that will fix Me is time. But time won’t freaking hurry up and until it passes, I’m looking for emotional morphine. I’ve tried everything: chocolate, exercise, avoidance, various levels of alcohol consumption, angry break-up sex, listening to country music, shopping, a haircut, marathon phone time with friends. Nothing brings oblivion. Instead, I’m left going through the motions.

The only thing that breaks me out of my stupor is eCrush himself. Seeing him, talking to him or any form of contact suddenly fills the empty place inside. I love this guy. He’s more precious to me than my shoe collection or my friends or losing ten pounds. Having that love returned transcends dignity or my self-righteousness. Yet, eCrush screwed up in a Royal Way. He rocked the very foundations of Us, not to mention the machete he used on my heart. So I’m left, all Humpty Dumptyish, desperately trying to put Me back together and deciding what my love is worth.

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7 Responses to “eCrush Killed My Angry Feminist Self, or Commence PityFest ’08”

  1. suz Says:

    Sorry to hear about it. I know what you mean. For all the talk of revenge and ball busting and making him suffer, there’s still going to be something holding you back, something telling you that it’s not as easy as a “peace the fuck out dude.” I should probably tell you to stay strong and do whatever you can to avoid giving him another chance, but part of love is flaws…even the big, horribly fucked up ones. Doesn’t make it any easier though, so I hope you can find a way to make it through the days and find a way to make peace with yourself. Whatever you end up with will be well-deserved.

  2. Lemmonex Says:

    You always think “I will do this” or “I will do that” and then it happens…and it ain’t so simple.

    I am sorry.

  3. Stella Says:

    I say as long as he is suffering as much as you are, there is hope. And if he is truly sorry and truly loves you, he’ll just have to wait for you to heal. No matter how long it takes. Don’t put that pressure on yourself.

  4. Herb Says:

    I am very sorry that you are having to go through this. I won’t offer advice but you do have our virtual shoulders if you need to put your head on it.

  5. Lyssabits Says:

    Oh I’m so sorry, that’s such a tough spot to be in.

    I think the circumstances of the cheating mean a lot. If you can accept that he’s sorry and begin to rebuild the trust that it won’t happen again.. angry internal feminist will have to suck it up and deal. No one’s perfect. However his handling of the situation was pretty damn shitty, very immature. I’m surprisingly a lot more willing to forgive cheating than I am really crappy handling of said cheating. There’d better be some serious grovelling going on.

  6. Laina Says:

    I agree that it’s never as simple as you think before you’re in the situation. And only you can decide whether or not it’s worth it to forgive him. I used to be the same way about fidelity, but after the last year, I’m not nearly as judgmental as I used to be.

    As a mom of two boys, here’s how I look at it. Boys are not like girls. You tell a girl something is a bad idea, and she usually goes, okay, this is a bad idea and stays away from it. You tell a boy it’s a bad idea…and about half the time, HE DOES IT ANYWAY, just to test the theory. Sam touched a light bulb twice in two days once, after we told him it’d burn, just to be sure. But now when I tell him something is hot, he gets it.

    The moral of the story is that there’s a good chance he’s not a big man whore. Now that he’s figured out what an incredibly bad idea it was and how bad it made him feel, and that he wanted to be with YOU, he’s learned his lesson. But I’d still expect some grovelling over the piss poor handling of the situation. 😉

  7. laura Says:

    what Laina said. x 100.

    Hang in there!

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