Anatomy of a Break Up

Sunday:
Previously documented strange behavior by eCrush. Nearly 24 hours of radio silence ensues.

Monday:
Receive text message during late afternoon.
Him: Arrived in Paris.
Me: Paris? As in France?
Him: Yep.
Me: Um, did I know about this?

No reply. But eCrush does manage to update his blog from Europe. So clearly, he has some sort of communication ability. In keeping with long-standing female tradition, I go out with a friend to analyze this strange turn of events over dinner and pie. I consider drinking but decide to turn to chocolate instead. During the course of the day, I have sent two follow up emails and texts. Oh, and leave one message. When no response is forthcoming by bedtime, I start to panic. I begin to go to raid Super Secret Emergency Chocolate Stash, only to remember eCrush had previously discovered it and eaten everything. It has not been restocked. Grrr.

Tuesday:
Boy Silence continues. I am now a Very Worried Girlfriend. I stew all day. Also, I engage in extensive over analysis with girlfriends via gChat, email and phone. Thanks to my Google Stalking ability and eCrush’s shameless sense of self-promotion, I find out he is in Europe for business and probably has known about this trip for awhile. I am angered. One friend points out I have eCrush’s apartment key. She suggests I engage in devious concerned acts. As one inclined to evil worry, I agree. Post-work, I go try to locate an itinerary at his apartment to water his plants. Instead I find a bra and undies set which is not mine. eCrush better have a damn good explanation and/or be a cross dresser. Until I can get to the bottom of this new development, I start to practice saying, “You Bastard!” in French. I again email eCrush, asking when he’s coming back so we can talk.

Wednesday:
I have cycled from concern to confusion to outrage. Shock sets in when I receive a text message.
Him: I am dumping you.

The Earth moves, but not in a good way. eCrush broke up with me? In a God Damned TEXT MESSAGE? Not even a courtesy email, let alone an actual conversation? A four word text is only one tiny step up from a Twitter. Oh. My. God. I think I’ve reached a new dating low. I vow to become a lesbian, but only after I make eCrush a eunuch.

Lay on couch for hours. Then lay in bed for hours.

So this is what heartbreak feels like. Interesting.

4 a.m. Get up to potty and then start to cry on toilet. Progress to full, body shaking, heaving sobs, curled up in ball on the floor. No tissue is available so I wipe my nose on my t-shirt. Decide I hate eCrush for reducing me to snotty t-shirt and bathroom floor pityfest. Remain fetal until my alarm goes off for work. Eventually, drag myself to bed and hit snooze for an hour.

Thursday:
Somehow get to work.
It’s now late morning and I log in to my personal email account. It appears eCrush has decided to man-up and communicate. I promptly throw up as I contemplate opening email. Nerves are a bitch.

eCrush would like to talk when he returns this weekend. Apparently, he wants to explain his behavior. I imagine gouging his eyes out with a spork. I’ve yet to respond; I’m too busy plotting his demise.

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25 Responses to “Anatomy of a Break Up”

  1. Laina Says:

    Son of a bitch!!! Who does that in a text? And when he’s out of the country instead of doing it in a meaningful, communicative way? I have many weapons at my disposal, just email.

  2. pithycomments Says:

    The texting is bad enough, but that wording??? Hijueputa! Desgraciado!! Pendejo!!!

    The machete’s all yours should you want it.

  3. Terri S. Says:

    OMG – I don’t even know what else to say!

  4. michelle Says:

    wow! this example 657 of why i have 0 interest in a “serious relationship”. if he left any stuff at your place i would seriously consider dumping it on the street, taking a picture, and posting it to twitter!

  5. Jilly Bean Says:

    I would be very tempted to go back to his appartment and take the ugly pants to make voodoo doll.

  6. Lyssabits Says:

    ?!?!

    Worst break up form in history! There is no explanation for behavior of this sort other than alien abduction. Wow.

  7. Zandria Says:

    There’s just no explanation for that behavior. It makes me sick.

  8. suz Says:

    w.t.f.

  9. Laina Says:

    I like Jill’s idea. I bet you can find some hair in his brush to make it a real voodoo doll, too.

  10. Jessica Says:

    WOW. You DEFINITELY just topped mine, where I was dumped via aim. With the, “I don’t ever see myself with you again.”

    Sweet.
    Love guys. So awesome. NOT.

  11. laura Says:

    ecrush, if you’re reading this, I’d like to take the opportunity to tell you that:

    1. You suck.
    2. Only 14 year olds and a-holes break up via text. You may choose for yourself which category best suits you.
    3. You shall henceforth be known to me as edouche. That’s even quasi-French. Fitting, oui?

  12. vvk Says:

    Ugh… people / guys are stupid…
    *hugs*

  13. Aileen Says:

    I know you haven’t asked for advice, but I can’t help but pass on what I’ve learned in this department…

    This will be EXTREMELY difficult to do, but you need to:

    1. Ignore his request for a face to face
    2. Never see him or talk to him again

    Seriously. If he’s the one for you, then at some point in the future he will do something BIG to earn you back. If he’s not the one for you, don’t waste your time, nothing he may say or do in person this weekend will make you feel better.

  14. kjohnsonesq Says:

    Thanks, everybody. Really. Thank you.

  15. E Says:

    Classy child he.

  16. LivitLuvit Says:

    OH MY GOD… the saddest thing is, I am TOTALLY going to be stalking your blog from Costa Rica for the update.

    I am so, so sorry. You really hope that you eventually get to an age where men, I mean boys, are a little more mature, but apparently… nope. They just don’t.

    ARGH. Please document all eCrush ass-kickings in painful detail. VIDEO WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED.

  17. Stella Says:

    As I’ve said many times this week, I’m at a total loss for even the most generous of excuses. This is like the husband who has a whole separate family stashed somewhere. I mean trips you didn’t know about, undies not belonging to you and an unceremonious break up after he’s practically dragged you down Intimacy Lane for six months? Don’t even get me started on the last time I heard the word “dumping” (Rocky Argobright, sixth grade). You should’ve trusted your instincts re: the madras pants.

  18. sofarleft Says:

    Stupid, stupid, stupid boy. He should stay in Paris, because DC is quickly becoming a dangerous place for him to show his face.

    When is the commiseration & plotting gathering? I’ll bring the cupcakes & alcohol.

  19. Columbus Travel Gal Says:

    Wha- wha- WHAT?!?!?! He broke up with you:

    a.) via a text message?
    AND
    b.) while he is out of the country?
    AND
    c.) while you have keys to his apartment?
    AND
    d.) in such a cowardly manner knowing that you have a blog?

    Obviously, he has know idea what kind of an idiot he is (see points a & b) and what kind of trouble he is destined for (see points c & d).

    Go for the jugular, Ms. Katherine!!!!

  20. AnonaEsq Says:

    Sending you a sharpened spork forthwith. Damned Republican bastard.

  21. Thomas Says:

    I just started a break-up blog this week. I was dumped a few days ago. But I promise I will lighten up in a few days.

  22. ArchaicD Says:

    I might be the only guy to repsond to this, but I’m sorry. I’ve been disappointed by my fellow male actions involving relationships before, but this truly has me aghast with disgust and utter embarassment to say that I am a conservitive heterosexual man. I could never conceive that such a spineless whale-shit-low action could be done by someone over the age of 25 who has an education and claims to be republican. I am beside myself with outrage but yet I know I can’t fix it. I can offer words of encouragement like we’re not assholes and that there are plent of fish in the sea, these are all true but are not going to help in the short term. I can only offer my deepest expression of sympathy and a willingness to make a call or two so that on his return trip he is met at the gate and throughly searched. Every nook-and-cavity will be examined and he will truly understand what “violated” means, and maybe understand what a violation of trust he has commited.
    So again, on behalf of much better men out here. Don’t give up, we’re not all scum sucking cowardly asses with the fashion sense of vagrant wannabes.

  23. Sarah Says:

    OMG —- Hugs and more hugs!!!!

  24. Thomas Says:

    Is there anything we can do to help?

  25. A Pretty Mess » Blog Archive » How can I ditch thee? Let me count the ways Says:

    […] Who Invented Roses: Anatomy of a Breakup“Silence continues. I am now a Very Worried Girlfriend. I stew all day. Also, I engage in extensive over analysis with girlfriends via gChat, email and phone. Thanks to my Google Stalking ability and eCrush’s shameless sense of self-promotion, I find out he is in Europe for business and probably has known about this trip for awhile.” […]

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