What’s In a Name?

Let me start of by saying:

Mom, I am not knocked up.

Dad, as far as you are concerned, I am still a virgin.

Now that the formalities are out of the way…

For reasons unknown, eCrush and I recently discussed hypothetical children. My only take-away from the two hour conversation: eCrush wants to name his daughter Meadow. At first, I thought he was joking. I mean, really. Meadow? Would we name her brother Hedgerow? Sort of like our personal tribute to England? But no, eCrush was serious. He likes the name and thinks it’s “strong yet filled with an undertone of peace.” Yeah, those words actually came out of my sexy Republican’s mouth. After I got done picking my jaw up off the floor, I pointed out the name is one microscopic step away from tattooing “My Parents ❤ Tony Soprano” across the poor kid’s head.

The Sopranos aside, there are certain rules about naming kids. First, nothing with “Jo.” Bobbi Jo, Mary Jo, Amy Jo. Bad. Don’t even think about it unless you live in a state which allows the marriage of first cousins. And even then, it’s not acceptable. Well, unless you did in fact marry a first cousin, in which case the kid’s name is the least of your problems. Second, no rhyming or repetitive syllables. Anytime I hear something like Robert Robertson, I can’t understand why the guy’s parents didn’t spend ten bucks on a baby name book. It’s the worst form of naming laziness. Also, no attempts at cutesy. Everybody knows they really just set the kid up for a lifetime of torture. No Justin Case or Crystal Ball. Candance Barr will forever be known as Candy Barr. Cruel. Go that route and start the therapy fund the same day you open the kid’s college savings account. Another thing: the initials can’t combine in a questionable manner. I once had a friend with the initials KKK. Not a winner. My friend’s aunt tired to name her kid Adam Scott Shriver. Real smart, that one. But the biggest rule in naming a kid is the “could a stripper use this as a stage name” test. Any form of yes, even just a pause to think about it, precludes the use of the name. And Meadow? It fails the Stripper Test. Plus, screams new agey and I don’t like new agey names. Or the use of months, gemstones, objects and verbs as names.

I’m a little unclear where eCrush’s naming impulse comes from. He should be all about names like Charlotte or Helen. Good, solid Grandma-sounding names. Apparently his uppity patrician brainwashing missed a spot because his strange name thing applies to both sexes. eCrush’s first choice boy name is Vail. As in Colorado. Thing is, eCrush doesn’t like snow-related activities. I’m not even sure he’s been to the state. What gives? After mulling it over for a few days, the only explanation I’ve reached is that eCrush has jumped on the Republicans Masquerading as Hippies Bandwagon. Or he’s taken a look at the Sarah Palin Big Book of Baby Names. Whatever the reason, this is my public declaration:

There is absolutely, positively no freaking way I would ever name my kid Meadow.


14 Responses to “What’s In a Name?”

  1. Laina Says:

    LMAO, as soon as I saw Meadow, I thought, only if he gets his dream of laynig the pipe with Sarah Palin.

  2. Laina Says:

    laying. Damn, I’m sick, forget about my typing.

  3. Lyssabits Says:

    Additional rules as provided by my incredibly picky husband:

    No ambiguously gendered names, which I didn’t think were so bad until he brought up the point that telemarketers/cold-callers will invariably guess wrong.

    Our other rules are little more specific to our situation, the most constrictive of which is that I’m not allowed to pick names his English-as-a-second-language relatives can’t pronounce. One of his cousins named their daughter Chloe and they all get it wrong each and every time they say it in new and exciting ways. None of them can pronounce my name correctly either, but that doesn’t bother me.

  4. sofarleft Says:

    This is great! Clearly eCrush is a raging liberal hiding behind a scary Republican facade. Next thing you know, he’ll start looking at ways to build his own straw bale house powered by windmills and solar panels, and the two of you will be raising goats and chickens & tending to your organic garden while little Vail and Meadow run around in the…meadow 😉

    (Luckily building a straw bale house only requires minimal tool usage…)

  5. Lemmonex Says:

    I think Vail may be worse than Meadow. EEK.

  6. Stella Says:

    I agree with your conjecture that he’s one of those Yuppies-in-Hippies-clothing. I mean the names coming out of Suburbia these days have nothing on Hollywood.

    The Girl Dating Jeff Jeffrey

  7. Dom Says:

    My girlfriend’s nephew is named Ocean Wynn Do.

    I $#!t you not.

  8. sofarleft Says:

    I know a girl named Cinnamon Steck. C’mon, parents…have a little foresight. They really left her no professional options other than stripper or porn star with that name. Although, she could have been a character on Strawberry Shortcake…

  9. Jennifer Says:

    A friend of mine named his son Jusin Zhane. Of course, I personally thinkit was a subconscience thing, as he was crazy for getting a stripper pregnant.

    At least the single dad thing is working out for him. *sigh*

  10. Melissa Says:

    I actually like the names Meadow and Vail. Although honestly, I probably wouldn’t name my kid either one. I just think it is probably better in the long run to stick with tried and true names. That way, there is no chance of them being asked about it over and over and over when they get to be 40.

  11. Lola Famous Says:

    It’s clearly the influence of Sarah Palin and her choice of names (Willow, Piper, etc.).

    No trendy surnames for first names, please!

    And don’t do the worst of the worst: don’t give your kid a name like Zuma, Apple, Moxy Crimefighter, or Pilot Inspektor.

  12. Drunken E-mailing « Who Invented Roses Says:

    […] October 10, 2008 in Bionic Kitty, Me and Myself and I Written in the wee hours to Stella. Regarding her comment on a previous post… […]

  13. AnonaEsq Says:

    Iffin ya’ll name yur girl baby Meadow, aren’z ya gonna give her the middlin name of Lark. Ya’ll know, like that basketball playin’ fella?

  14. E Says:

    So he’s a closet hippie?

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