Why I Am Now Convinced McCain is God

Last Friday, when eCrush realized that I really had morphed our private debate party into Handy People ‘R’ Us, he asked what he could contribute to Operation Shelf Hang. I wasn’t sure if “contribution” meant bringing chips and dip or if eCrush actually wanted to play with a power tool. But I wasn’t about to let him clarify. He volunteered; it was his funeral.

The Place Where Sexy Republicans Work is about ten feet from a hardware store. I suggested eCrush run over after work and make his first toolish purchase: a 3/8ths drill bit. In my dad-approved bit collection, it was the one size I was missing and without it, I could not hang my new shelves. I explained to eCrush that this was a vital component to the shelf hanging. Essentially the lynch pin. eCrush repeatedly assured me he could deal with the responsibility. While I knew eCrush could probably count the number of times he’s been to a hardware store on one hand (and still have fingers left over), I figured a drill bit was still something he could tackle. Locating the appropriate store section, finding one that says 3/8ths and purchasing is not nuclear physics. But just to make sure eCrush got the correct bit size, I sent an email and text to his brain iPhone.

That night, as eCrush opened the door to my apartment, he used his best five-year-old-after-too-many-pixie-sticks-voice, “I got it! I got it! And I did it all by myself!” It felt like I was living in a Pull-Ups commercial. But it was also sort of cute. Over the course of the night, eCrush told me about purchasing the bit. Over. And. Over. Again. In great and excruciating detail. The way he described it, the ten minute errand turned into a Saga. Eventually, I was able to shut eCrush up long enough to install him on the couch. I broke out the measuring tape, turned on the debate, and commenced Operation Shelf Hang.

Just as Jim Lehrer asked McCain about his feelings on the Bail Out, I was ready to drill. I turned to eCrush and let him know it was The Moment. I’d never seen him so excited. He was acting like somebody just told him the Republicans would be in power for the next twenty years. eCrush practically danced over to his purchase. If I had a red velvet pillow, I swear he would have lovingly laid that drill bit out and carefully walked it over to me. Instead, he had to settle for handing me a plastic hardware store bag. But even with this second rate presentation, his body oozed pride and accomplishment.

Working myself up to be appropriately impressed, I pulled out the drill bit.

4/5ths.

Yes, I did say 4/5ths.

(Seven Loyal Readers, I am going to pause to impart some Great Wisdom. It goes like this: Sometimes Life just fracks you over so badly that time stands still. Basically, it’s so you can wallow in how screwed you are. In case you weren’t clear, this was one of those moments. That is all.)

I didn’t know what to do. eCrush had purchased the wrong drill bit and there was no way I could use it. 4/5ths is no no way, shape, or form compatible with 3/8ths. But I didn’t want to tell him. It would be like kicking a puppy. And I was pretty sure that imparting the truth would crush my boyfriend’s new found Man Ego. An eternity passed as I tried and tried to figure out a solution. But I had nothing. I was going to have to break out the Big Girl Panties and tell eCrush. With a sigh, I screwed up my courage, opened my mouth and then, in that precise moment, the Universe did me a solid.

Yep, John McCain suggested a spending freeze. My Rabid Republican boyfriend acted just like he’d seen the Messiah resurrect. Hark! McCain had delivered a Message. The disciple had to listen in order to properly impart the teaching. Shelves, bits, all else was forgotten.

I was saved.

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6 Responses to “Why I Am Now Convinced McCain is God”

  1. Sarah Says:

    Only you….it is only you that can get this lucky!

  2. vvk Says:

    While I knew eCrush could probably count the number of times he’s been to a hardware store on one hand…

    I grew up in the same sort of neighborhood eCrush did… but really, that still amazes me. Trips to the hardware store are so much fun! Your first tool box is a right of passage into manhood.

    How did he manage to skip over all of this?!?! confusing… strange…

    Good luck training / teaching him.

  3. sofarleft Says:

    Hilarious! I can’t wait to meet him. I would suggest, though, keeping him away from your cool new drill. And your kitchen. Mixing up fractions can be extremely detrimental to even the most basic of chocolate chip cookie recipes.

    If you want, I can always send my VHH (Very Handy Husband) over for an Intro to Tools Tutorial for eCrush while you & I go out for wine and cupcakes 🙂

  4. Lyssabits Says:

    I’m less concerned with his inexperience with tools than with his apparent inability to read. 😉

  5. Melissa Says:

    I run into this same situation all the time. Like when I asked my hubby to stop and get me my Diet Dr. Pepper after work because I couldn’t function without caffeine. (I live in the country so the grocery store is not close.) He proudly showed off his two cases of Caffeine-Free Diet Dr. Pepper when he came home. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he screwed up, so I waited until he went to work the next day and then drove to the store. He was so cute, I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

  6. Lola Famous Says:

    Okay, so like, I really think that Sarah Palin has a good sense of fashion and really works her best elements (loved her shoes last night!) but like most of my BFF’s in Hollywood I support Barack Obama. So your title of the blog really scared me! You know, I’ve met Paris a few times when I’m out clubbing and thought she’d support McCain since her parents are super into him. I was surprised to find out she supports Barack Obama. Must be the Madden bro’s influence. She’s a perfect example of why us paparazzi babes must not be dismissed has not having a brain! Issues are important, like the environment, which is why I traded in my Land Rover (17th b-day present) for a Lexus Hybrid SUV.

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