El Boom! Or I resolve to learn Spanish

I was in the Lawyerly Place bathroom, having just started the bladder relieving process, when I heard the main door open and a voice say, “Hi-lo? Hiiiii-looooooo?” It was the nice cleaning lady who looks after my floor. I called back, letting her know I was using the facilities. Almost instantly, she launched into an onslaught of agitated Spanish. “I no el hableeo el spaniel and I definitely no comprehendo,” I yelled back, hoping that was close enough to convey my complete lack of understanding.

About two seconds later, there was pounding on the door of my stall. Then more frantic Spanish. Sighing, I said, “I don’t speak Spanish, but I am trying to pee. Please leave me alone. I’ve got performance anxiety.” There was more pounding and Spanish, but this time much louder. It was getting ridiculous. “I don’t freaking comprehend no el spaniel. Go Away.” The pounding went on for a few more seconds, and then abruptly stopped. I figured the cleaning lady got the gist and left me in bathroom peace.

Except, no. I heard a grunting sound, looked down, and saw the head of the cleaning lady appear under the stall door. Obviously, this was Vastly Disturbing and I started to freak out. “What the hell do you think you are doing? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF MY BATHROOM STALL!” She kept coming under the door, sort of twisting and squirming around on the floor. I just sat there, hunched over on the toilet, hiding my private bits, yelling at an ever increasing volume, pants around my ankles. Somehow, she managed to get herself into my stall, stand up, and open the door. Then, she turned to me, reached for my arms and attempted to yank me off the toilet, jabbering in Spanish the entire time. I was not about to get off the throne in front of the crazy lady. No way, no freakin’ how. Not even if she offered me gold plated toilet paper.

We struggled for a few minutes. She kept trying to pull me up, off the toilet. I valiantly tried to stay hunched over, protecting my girly stuff from view. When she realized that my desire for modesty was trumping her best efforts to get me off the John, she looked at me and started waiving her arms around. “Boom! Boom! Constructioni! Boom!” She looked rather panicked.

I might not know what exactly it portends to the Spanish speaking populace, but I was pretty sure Boom signals something bad in any language. After about two seconds of deliberation, I decided it was time to forgo my potty break and get out of the bathroom. Worst case, it would get me away from the nutso cleaning lady. Best case, I could figure out what the hell was going on. Believing bathroom etiquette should never be compromised more than is absolutely necessary, I waived my hand to indicate the cleaning lady should turn around. As she did, I suited up and promptly left the bathroom of craziness. She was hot on my heels, still yapping away in a language I couldn’t undertstand.

As I walked back to my office, I noticed the Place of Lawyerly Things was strangely empty. I rounded the corner by my admin’s desk, saw her grabbing her purse, and started to tell her about the bathroom loony. “Super Admin, you will not believe what God’s green Earth just hap –“ Super Admin interrupted me. “The building, um, just got a bomb threat. They are evacuating people and for some reason the fire alarm isn’t working, so they have to tell people to get out. I had to help clear out this floor, so I sent Juana into the bathroom to get you. Why aren’t you going downstairs?”

Oh. Ok then.

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5 Responses to “El Boom! Or I resolve to learn Spanish”

  1. Stella Says:

    OK seriously. How in the hell does this stuff happen to you with such comically greater frequency than the rest of us?

  2. kjohnsonesq Says:

    Did you not see fate’s target on my back at brunch? Could have sworn it was there…

  3. Suz Says:

    Dear KJ,

    Why do you have such a hilariously amusing life? It makes me miss you! I feel a yearning to drive you to work. I’m glad you are still alive!

    Love,

    Suz

  4. Melissa Says:

    Too funny! I hope you get as much enjoyment out of this stuff as I do.

  5. Herb Says:

    I’m totally in love with Juana!

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