Today’s Metro Lesson: How Many Metro Employees Does It Take?

Monday night, after I had made my escape from the Place of Lawyerly Things and arrived at the Metro, I noticed three Metro Employees huddled around an out of service escalator. They were engaged in a Big Discussion. After a lot of hand waving and pointing, one Metro Employee, the Super Skinny Woman, walked around the corner and began to stop commuters leaving the fare gate area and approaching the defunked up escalator. Anybody headed to the kaput escalator was sternly warned, “It’s broken. Wait right here. Line up until I say you can go.” It was like fifth grade and she was on a line leader power trip. Another Employee, the Twitchy Woman, was Super Skinny’s wingman. Any stealthy commuter who made it by Skinny was intercepted by Twitchy as she circled the five foot perimeter at the base of the escalator. It quickly became clear why she’d been assigned to this particular part of the mission: Twitchy was a master of the Evil Stare Down. One look from Twitchy and commuters scuttled towards Skinny’s holding pen.

While all this was going on, the final Metro Employee, Honking Big Woman, camped out at the base of the escalator. For a few minutes, she just stood there, eyes staring into the wee distance. Then, from nowhere, she spread her arms, thrust out her chest, and did jazz hands. It was a rather good Crucified Jesus As Played By Bob Fosse impression. She stood, all Martyr faced, while the last escalator walkers made their way up the stairs. A particularly slow Grandma was severely holding up the climbing progress.

One irritated commuter, corralled by Super Skinny, was not amused by the forced wait. He got out of line and approached Twitchy.

Irritated: I want to walk up.

Twitchy: No.

Irritated: You can’t make me wait.

Twitchy: Oh, yes I can, sir.

Irritated (as he sprinted past her towards Honking Big Woman): Pfft!

Honking Big Woman (not even turning around but still managing to be all Charlton Heston does Moses): Sir, you shalt not pass.

Irritated, who was a wiry little guy, must have realized Honking Big not only had 150 pounds on him, but also the support of the Metro Gods. He realized he wasn’t gonna make it up the escalator just then and slunk back to his spot in line. There he waited, scowling, as the Grandma finished climbing the Everest Escalator. Once Grandma was off the stairs, Honking Big Woman slowly lowered her arms and turned towards the On Button. I swear it sorta glowed and the faint echo of a Hallelujah Chorus could be heard as she pushed it. The escalator began to rumble to life. Skinny nodded at the 50 or so waiting commuters, who promptly bum rushed the escalator. Just as she was about to be trampled, Honking Big nimbly jumped out of the way. Clearly, she’d done this before and was prepared for the Commuter Tsunami.

Shaking my head, I headed towards the broken escalator that would take me drown from the fare gates to the train platform. Seriously, it takes three Metro Employees to turn on an escalator?


One Response to “Today’s Metro Lesson: How Many Metro Employees Does It Take?”

  1. Sarah Says:

    How long have you lived in the district again??? I am suprised they were able to do it with only three!

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