Official Notice of Cat Adoption

(Edited to say: If I didn’t love the stupid animal so much, I might actually be serious. But I’m not, so lay off the hate email, please.)

NOTICE IS HEREBY officially given that the FELINE ANIMAL currently known by the alias Bionic Kitty (hereinafter CAT) and whose date of birth is approximately October 1, 2004 and whose current place of residence is Big Woman’s House, Rosslyn, Virginia, is now made available for PRIVATE ADOPTION.

ANY PERSON(S) crazy enough to actually want to ADOPT said CAT (hereinafter APPLICANT) are hereby requested to contact the current CUSTODIAL PARENT known by the alias Big Woman (hereinafter CUSTODIAL PARENT) via email, certified letter, or smoke signal no later than 9:00 a.m. EST on September 30, 2008. All applications received thereafter will be summarily dismissed. All applications must be made and submitted in GOOD FAITH.

ALL APPLICANTS shall be expected to DEMONSTRATE a working knowledge of proper CAT care giving abilities including, but not limited to:

  1. Overfeeding
  2. Frequent litter changing
  3. Yelling in outrage after finding CAT’s latest attempt at Mass Destruction and Mayhem
  4. Ability to sleep through squeaky toy noises

IN THE EVENT OF Hell freezing over and multiple APPLICANTS coming forward, the interested parties will be asked to submit an ESSAY of no less than 500 words, detailing the motivation(s) behind said application for custody. If the ESSAY is accompanied by a BRIBE, preference will be given to the application with the best BRIBE, as determined by monetary value and/or CUSTODIAL PARENT’s preference.

FAIR AND FULL WARNING is hereby given that all APPLICANTS must possess:

  1. A sound mind
  2. Sainthood
  3. Vast financial resources for vet bills, replacement purses and large quantities of Friskies
  4. A death wish

IN THE EVENT that this August and Official Body determine APPLICANT does NOT possess the items enumerated above, and knowing this CUSTODIAL PARENT still desires to relinquish custodial responsibility, and assuming CAT is still driving CUSTODIAL PARENT bonkers, the ADOPTION will proceed. CUSTODIAL PARENT will be under no obligation to resume care of CAT post-ADOPTION, regardless of MISTAKE, INSANTIY, or INEBRIATION at the time of application submission, ADOPTION, or otherwise.

CAT IS ADOPTED in “as is” condition. NO WARRANTY, GURANANTEE, or SURETY will be offered by CUSTODIAL PARENT. APPLICANT is also advised there is a NO Exchange Policy irrespective of CAT’s behavior or health. CUSTODIAL PARENT will NOT accept LIABILITY for any INSANITY, LOSS OF INCOME, DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY, etc. which may result from ADOPTION.

AT ALL TIMES, FULL RESPONSIBILITY for the CAT will reside solely with the APPLICANT. At no time in the future will the CAT or APPLICANT be deemed to possess any right to meet, contact, or otherwise HARASS the CUSTODIAL PARENT under any circumstances.

IT IS ADVISED that all APPLICANTS think twice before proceeding.

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4 Responses to “Official Notice of Cat Adoption”

  1. laura Says:

    Look at those mad lawyerly, contract writing skilz.

    Want to draw one of these up for one of my cats? I found poo nuggets on the basement carpet today, FAR away from the litter box. NOT amused…

  2. CeliaSue Says:

    Very very funny, I have taken the liberty to edit your post and substituted DOG for Cat … check it out at celiasue.wordpress.com … hee hee hee… my Cici the wonder dog thinks it is hilarious but then she does not like cats… and now Her Highness is requesting my attention for the 400th time this morning… it is now 8:30… 🙂

  3. CeliaSue Says:

    barking did not work, so now she is resorting to licking my leg… ah the joys and wonders of being a dog parent…

  4. Lola Famous Says:

    How about a Cat Swap? If you’d like to trade in the above mentioned item for a cat who climbs on your face at night and tries to pry your eyelides open with his claws, who likes to hide in dishwashers, dryers, and ovens, who smacks his gums incessantly at every ladybug in sight, who watches TV upside-down, and uses a mattress for a scratching pad, then I think we have a match.

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