Bionic Chase, or Free Cat to a Good Home

Among her many talents, Bionic Kitty is a bit of an Escapist. It’s annoying and if she doesn’t stop the suicide attempts and jail breaks, there might come a day when I no longer chase her down or use cat treats to lure her home. Instead, she’ll have to fend for herself in the Great Big World. It’ll be payback for all the seemingly-endless times I’ve cleaned up kitty puke. But last night was not the moment to just let her roam free. It was tempting, but ultimately, I didn’t want to be kicked out of my apartment just yet.

It was past midnight when I came home from Sanity Restoring Second Job and post-work drinks. After opening the front door of Chez Apartment and dumping my honkin’ big purse, I grabbed the bag of trash I left in the entrance way that morning, and shut the door. Off I went, down the hall that vaguely resembles something from The Shining, to the trash room. On the way back to my apartment, in the distance, I saw a black lump in the middle of the hall. As I got closer, I realized it was Bionic Kitty. Seems she somehow got out in the two nano seconds I had the door open. At that moment, I think I felt my soul groan.

Bionic Kitty’s recapture was going to be a delicate operation. Generally, she does not like to be held/touched/have a person within five feet of her. If she senses an iota of Pick Up Intent, she scrams. I knew there was a good chance she’d bolt if she thought I was about to grab her. After mentally reviewing my options, I decided on the nonchalant approach. The plan was to fake indifference until I was inches away and then throw myself bodily on top of the darn cat. I reasoned that full body contact was my best chance of cat containment. It was all very Steve Irwin meets WrestleMania.

After a minute or two of review, looking for any potential flaws, I set the plan in motion. I did my best La Di Da I’m Ignoring You walk. Bionic Kitty was buying the whole “Whatever” routine and within seconds, I was about three feet away. Predictably, that’s the moment my neighbor emerged from the elevator with her slobbery Great Dane in tow. Just to be clear, I hate that dog with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. It’s got a brain the size of a pea, it’s stinky, and it barks incessantly during Saturday Morning Sleep In Time. I am sure Great Danes are nice creatures as a collective, but my neighbor’s Great Dane? It’s the devil’s intellectually-challenged minion.

When Bionic Kitty realized the Great Dane was approaching, I swear the space-time continuum became warped. Everything played in slow mo and the air suddenly contained a general feeling of Badness. In disbelief, I watched as Bionic Kitty became five times her usual size, hissed, and charged the monstrous dog. The Great Dane dashed from the elevator towards my defenseless kitty, woofing hysterically and pulling my neighbor in its wake. It was totally David versus a really stupid Goliath. Bionic Kitty jumped on the back of the Great Dane and sort of straddled it. I’m not sure what her objective was, but I am pretty sure it involved giving the dog a heart attack. Within moments, there was a dog/cat Rodeo going down in my little corner of Rosslyn. My neighbor and I tried to pull them apart, but every time we got near, there was an injury. I was scratched, my foot got smooshed by Massive Dog Feet, and I was victim of General Mental Trauma. My neighbor was bleeding from the elbow.

At some point, Bionic Kitty must have realized she could not best an opponent the size of a small country, even if it was dumb as rocks. No claws and her protracted dedication to laziness meant the odds were simply stacked against her. Or maybe she just got bored. Whatever the reason, she suddenly hauled ass off the Great Dane, flew past my neighbor, and landed in the elevator just as the doors closed. By that time, several people from my hall had heard the people screams and animal yowls and come out to watch the fun. I have a feeling my neighbor and I are going to be pretty popular at the building pool party next week.

Anyhoo, I clearly had to go pursue my Errant Cat. There are two elevators in that bank, but no stairs (hello, fire hazard). For what felt like eternity, I frantically pushed the call button and kept an eye on the floor indicator thing, praying Bionic Kitty’s elevator didn’t stop at the parking garage. If it did, I knew I would never find her amongst the three floors of cars. Luckily, the elevator she was on stopped at the main level. Eventually, the slowest elevator in creation arrived on my floor and my panicked self rode down to One.

As the elevators opened, I saw Bionic Kitty. She was sitting on the concierge desk, lording it up as Jamal the Hot Concierge pet her and cooed sweet nothings in her ear. I swear that cat mocks me on a regular basis. Being all Stealth Machine, I grabbed her before she could realize that the Big Woman was present, babbling to Jamal about how sorry I was for the Great Escape. Just as I was at the elevator, Jamal asked, “Hey, is your cat registered?” Groan.

According to the Holy Rules of the Condo Association, animals are allowed in Chez Apartment Building. They just have to be registered and because Compliance is such a big priority in my life, the registration paper for Bionic Kitty and Number Two is still buried somewhere in my “to do” desk pile. Non-registration is frowned upon by the High and Mighties of Condo Land. They do things like yell and fine and shove nasty grams under doors if a person is caught with an un-registered animal. Also, they give people Strikes. Four strikes, and apparently the Condo Association can sorta maybe forcibly remove a person from their domicile. The legalities are murky and my limited recall of property law leads me to believe they are unenforceable. Regardless, the headaches are real. As a result, I have a general Don’t Incur Strikes Policy. Also, there is also a Very Stringent Condo Association Rule banning all pets from the building lobby. Ignoring this one can obviously result in fine and/or strike. And the other pet-related rule is a leash law. The punishment for violation is again fine and/or strike.

So, when Jamal asked about registration, I knew I needed to get out of there. Inadvertently, I had violated every Pet Law in Condo World. As I made my escape with Bionic Kitty, I mumbled something at Jamal about how much I appreciated him getting my Run Away and what an honor it was that Bionic Kitty let him pet her and blah blah blah. Thankfully the elevator was still there, so I hopped on and rode away into the night.

When I woke up this morning, I found a letter slipped under my front door. Seems the Condo Association never sleeps. I am being assessed fines for:

1. Having an unregistered animal on the premises ($50 plus a strike);

2. Failure to comply with the building Leash Requirement ($25) ;

3. Allowing an animal to enter into a designated no-animal common area (aka: the lobby) ($50 and a strike).

So, I might just have a cat free to a good home. Because if she does anything else, I’m outta my good home.

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3 Responses to “Bionic Chase, or Free Cat to a Good Home”

  1. Laina Says:

    Hon, please be careful with that damn cat. My dad just spent a WEEK in the hospital due to a cat bite, I kid you not. Better to let Bionic Kitty out into the world than to incur serious wounds and then serious medical bills.

    That Association is a bunch of assholes. Like you DELIBERATELY let her run free. Three charges out of the same completely inadvertant incident? Bullshit. Seriously, can’t you have one free escape?

  2. sofarleft Says:

    If you get kicked out, you & Bionic Kitty can come live with us. We can have cage matches featuring Bionic Kitty vs Devil Dog Dexter the Jack Russell. Then, if she bests him, she can take on The Nigelator! I think it would be good for her to take on dogs in her own weight class, and move up to the Great Dane category only after a proper training regimen 🙂

  3. laura Says:

    You can SO fight #2 and #3. It was an unintentional escape, obviously. Use the neighbor w/ the Great Dane as your “witness.” I say a sweet, apologetic, pleading letter to the association is in order.

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