When Super Spy Pixie Magic Doesn’t Pay Off

eCrush Boy left for the Convention of Evil this weekend and on his way out the door, he turned around, asked me to water his plants, and tossed me his keys. I thought he was ten kinds of stupid.

At work yesterday, I decided eCrush’s beloved plants were probably due for some TLC. Plus, I thought it was an opportune time to turn on my inner Super Spy and engage in Snoopage. I am a girl and therefore biologically programmed to Want To Know Things. After a weekend of thinking about it, I had convinced myself that eCrush should have known better. Keys and absence is clearly an open invitation to look in drawers and open closets. If he didn’t want me poking around, he should have let the plants wilt. Further, I reasoned that my behavior was not a violation of trust. It was instinct. I could not be faulted for following Mother Nature’s Decree.

While I was totally psyching myself up to poke around eCrush Boy’s apartment, the reality is this is new territory for me. I’ve never actually done this and am pretty unclear about proper Snooping Etiquette. Do I fess up? Can I ask him about anything I find which I feel is disturbing? Or does it just fester inside because it’s inappropriate to tell him? Finally, I realized those were all concerns I could deal with later. The reality is I wanted to find the Dirt, and all other considerations were mentally being regulated to secondary status. And who can blame me? As much as I don’t want to admit it, I secretly really like this guy. If there was anything Worrisome hidden in the depths of his sock drawer, I wanted to know now, while it was early enough to bail with my personal dignity intact.

So, all day yesterday I contemplated Covert Snooping Tactics. Obviously, I decided to skip the kitchen. Nothing worth knowing about is ever in the kitchen. Plus, I have opened most of the drawers and cabinets in there between searching for cups and my laughable attempts at helping eCrush Boy cook. The bathroom almost won out as The Place To Start, but really, my Evil Side knew that was a cop out. I needed to commence Operation Nosy Butt in the Bedroom. That’s where any Stuff I Need To Be Aware Of was most likely to be. After that, I figured I would try the hall closet area and then the bathroom. I had plan and I had justification for something I usually wouldn’t do, so off I went to eCrush Boy’s apartment.

After watering can duties, I rummaged. First, I went through the closet and opened up his dresser drawers. Ok, yes, there was maybe some slight pushing around and/or lifting up of objects. The upside is that I realized the eCrush Boy is as A-type as I am and I was impressed with his folding abilities. It was like the Gap Girls had organized his t-shirts. Anyway, after about five minutes, I realized the only semi-interesting thing I’d found was silk boxers. (And really, silk boxers, eCrush Boy?) I was completely let down. Where was the mushy love notes from old girlfriends or the super secret porn stash? That was the juicy (and potentially disturbing) stuff I wanted to find. eCrush Boy had to have something worth hiding and I was determined to know about it before I left his place.

On a Mission of Determination, I looked around. There had to be some spot I’d missed. The bedroom is where The Good Stuff is. At least according to the movies. Then it hit me. It was so obvious. Nightstand. Duh. Aren’t nightstands otherwise known as Universal Home of the Goody Drawer? I just knew there had to be something in there. Sort of excited, sort of semi-panicked, I opened the top drawer. Nothing. Next drawer. Still nothing. Third drawer. Jackpot! Goody drawer, come to mama! Except it was totally predictable. Well, aside from the envelope with my name on the outside.

Crap.

Katherine –

Thought I’d give you a chance to poke around while I was gone. Let you see I am pretty much “what you see is what you get.” And all the good stuff? It’s in the bathroom.

Don’t forget to water my plants.

And are you going to write about this on the blog I don’t know about?

Kisses, eCrush Boy

Fuck.

Fuckityfuckfuckfuck.

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6 Responses to “When Super Spy Pixie Magic Doesn’t Pay Off”

  1. laura Says:

    That is hilarious!

    ecrush boy….if you are reading this, I must meet you. And congrats on busting the not-so-sneaky Katherine. Well done!

    Kate….what else can I say. Busted!

  2. Laina Says:

    LMAO, he’s a keeper. He thinks just like you.

  3. michelle Says:

    LOL! I was thinking he had a nanny-cam setup !

  4. pithycomments Says:

    awesome. Now, the for the important question: since you had access to the closet, were you able to arrange a tragic accident for those pants??

  5. E Says:

    He won my vote!(I’m sure you made an awesome super spy though!)

  6. Me Says:

    HA!!

    p.s. you might check the DVD player that’s where i leave my good stuff.

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